Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
thus
and thus i refrain.*
* postscript: correction. it should be, thus i relinquish all responsibility. this is the time when i simply rely on Christ.
* postscript: correction. it should be, thus i relinquish all responsibility. this is the time when i simply rely on Christ.
Monday, July 21, 2008
pattern?
it seems to start out like this.
i meet chap (or chap meets me, depending on how you want to look at it), we go hang out, chap falls headoverheels in love, i step in it, i resist, i get charmed then we get together -
all is rosy for a while, then somehow something happens along the way and we break up.
so many examples of that happening, even when i thought i've found the perfect person for me. i am wary.
i am so very wary now that i know i can be fooled. thus i resist.
i meet chap (or chap meets me, depending on how you want to look at it), we go hang out, chap falls headoverheels in love, i step in it, i resist, i get charmed then we get together -
all is rosy for a while, then somehow something happens along the way and we break up.
so many examples of that happening, even when i thought i've found the perfect person for me. i am wary.
i am so very wary now that i know i can be fooled. thus i resist.
he made my face burn
gosh. this is the first time in a long time that someone's made my face burn.
i was recounting via sms how my day squeaked by on my wheel of limited spokes (referring to how little i realise i know about the nature of my job) while having a headache at the same time as a result of running around like a headless chicken in places that were positively crawling with police and dignitaries alike. same thing with CIDs in suits.
but i digress.
so yes, he made my face burn. possibly because my guard was down, because i was tired and stressed when the sms popped in - but whatever it was it made my face burn.
simply by saying ”好想你哦“*
"i miss you so" in chinese
i was recounting via sms how my day squeaked by on my wheel of limited spokes (referring to how little i realise i know about the nature of my job) while having a headache at the same time as a result of running around like a headless chicken in places that were positively crawling with police and dignitaries alike. same thing with CIDs in suits.
but i digress.
so yes, he made my face burn. possibly because my guard was down, because i was tired and stressed when the sms popped in - but whatever it was it made my face burn.
simply by saying ”好想你哦“*
"i miss you so" in chinese
Sunday, July 20, 2008
love?
i... think i'm in love. no, no relationship, still single - though i think i might be falling in love and i'm resisting it.
natural reaction to every love affair i've been in; resisting it right now. commitment phobia setting in: wanting it but not having any of it.
july. and i meet someone who brings me joy in july.
natural reaction to every love affair i've been in; resisting it right now. commitment phobia setting in: wanting it but not having any of it.
july. and i meet someone who brings me joy in july.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
sing
and i know that this is the life i wanted.
i sang. on stage. impromptu. and loved it. loved them.
this is the life i want. the life i wanted, the life i still want.
and that's it. amen.
i sang. on stage. impromptu. and loved it. loved them.
this is the life i want. the life i wanted, the life i still want.
and that's it. amen.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
church
i went to church today, and had myself prayed over by the pastor... i wept.
again, not much reason to weep other than having to spend time sweating it out in the heat then not being able to tell stinky people off during church - because i might be smelling just like them.
the poor pastor got concerned and told me to "don't keep it all inside".. ^^'
i wanted to tell him i'm alright but he probably wouldn't have believed me, as i... er, really wept. hm.
i felt cleansed though, after service. emotionally and spiritually cleansed, if you will, and i felt better. cleaner, even - so it's all good. :)))
praise be to Lord. happy.
again, not much reason to weep other than having to spend time sweating it out in the heat then not being able to tell stinky people off during church - because i might be smelling just like them.
the poor pastor got concerned and told me to "don't keep it all inside".. ^^'
i wanted to tell him i'm alright but he probably wouldn't have believed me, as i... er, really wept. hm.
i felt cleansed though, after service. emotionally and spiritually cleansed, if you will, and i felt better. cleaner, even - so it's all good. :)))
praise be to Lord. happy.
two gentlemen
it seems that i had been in the company of two gentlemen this evening - one of whom is chivalrous enough to open car doors for me. that, i'm glad to announce, is proof that chivalry is very much alive and that youth is not always an indication of maturity.
most of the time yes, but not all of the time i'm glad to report. for now at least, i hope he can keep that statement with him. :)
good, good. there is hope for womenkind. haha
most of the time yes, but not all of the time i'm glad to report. for now at least, i hope he can keep that statement with him. :)
good, good. there is hope for womenkind. haha
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
end of part one
well, the pageant's over - i was a finalist - and i slept till 8:30pm the next day. i've never felt so roundly satisfied, so pleased.
i didn't win any crowns, but boy was i glad that jenn and jas were there that day. the whole world could've been missing, but their presence made it all alright. i realise that these two people are still two of the most important people in my life. :)
i love you, babes. i feel very very blessed by God that i should have you two in my life. thank you, for being with me.
thank You, for giving me these two lovely friends.
i didn't win any crowns, but boy was i glad that jenn and jas were there that day. the whole world could've been missing, but their presence made it all alright. i realise that these two people are still two of the most important people in my life. :)
i love you, babes. i feel very very blessed by God that i should have you two in my life. thank you, for being with me.
thank You, for giving me these two lovely friends.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
gladness
at times like this i am so very glad that i have friends whom i call, sincerely, friends. jenn, jas, tammie et al.
the indescribable connection and well-being that i feel right now is... wow. if i were there with you, each one of you, i will hold your hand and squeeze it and tell you that i'm glad i'm there with you.
the indescribable connection and well-being that i feel right now is... wow. if i were there with you, each one of you, i will hold your hand and squeeze it and tell you that i'm glad i'm there with you.
the heart, the heart!
the heart doesn't race for that someone anymore, to which i'm glad. basically that means i'm pretty much cool about most things, even when it comes to being on stage right now.
a certain clarissa is right: the stage fright wears off and suddenly, i shine. this i one of the best times of my life! rehearsals, friends, learning, laughs. i love it!
a certain clarissa is right: the stage fright wears off and suddenly, i shine. this i one of the best times of my life! rehearsals, friends, learning, laughs. i love it!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
lone
at times like this, when i'm back in my own room to some hours of solitude and quietness, i sit before the computer and start to type. at the end of the day, i start to type.
then i find out how tough it is to do so with false nails. nabeh.
ahem.
well, suffice to say, this is a beautiful period, with tammie. she's a ray of sunshine and she's someone i am growing to love, though she gets the heebie-jeebies when i tell her that in person lol! come to think of it, she's turned up for my ms earth pageant just to support me today at chinatown point, even when she's not involved.
yeah, she's sweet-tempered and smiley. she's assertive in the charming way as well. i've lots to learn from her.
..she is what i look for in a friend, can talk, we can chat, share make-up, clothes, support. with her i feel like she really cares for me, and that makes me want to care for her.
no, not turning lesbian on anyone - i'm too homophobic personally to go anywhere near that. no offense to gays out there, it's just that i personally cannot stomach the idea of me being attracted to another girl "in that way". so yes, rest assured that i'm still very straight, very very normal.
uhm. okay, i'll settle for very straight, since i foresee that quite a few of you will dispute the "normal" tag. heh. bitches. that includes you, osala! hahahaa!
but seriously, if i were ever to have a sister, i'd want that sister to be like her.
well, i guess i feel a little lonesome right now, living alone... though i'm willing to bet that the source of this slight bluesy-wuesy feeling is the actual result of hunger... : P
yeah, been hitting the calculator hard recently with the pageants going on. loving every moment of it, the excitement, the make-up, the limelight, the whole "being beautiful" thing. knowing that i am loved. : )
this limelight, make-up and pageantry's all new to me! rest assured though, i remain very much in tune with who i am, as today's sermon warns: what you have is not yours. you are steward of everything you possess, your smarts, your voice, your ability to walk, run, jump - money, house, heck, even yer dog.
thus.
i know i can sing and i'm going to get groomed. i will ace this, i know. i will be joyous and prosperous and fit in to the very idea of "wildly successful".
i also know that i will still be me when i find riches and fame. i would have grown even more then, and most of it will be good. having said that, i will continue to have that humility with me, because of the foundations that are being set right now, with iglamour. they teach well.
yes, i have come to the right place. yes, yes, yes and yes. praise be to God.
then i find out how tough it is to do so with false nails. nabeh.
ahem.
well, suffice to say, this is a beautiful period, with tammie. she's a ray of sunshine and she's someone i am growing to love, though she gets the heebie-jeebies when i tell her that in person lol! come to think of it, she's turned up for my ms earth pageant just to support me today at chinatown point, even when she's not involved.
yeah, she's sweet-tempered and smiley. she's assertive in the charming way as well. i've lots to learn from her.
..she is what i look for in a friend, can talk, we can chat, share make-up, clothes, support. with her i feel like she really cares for me, and that makes me want to care for her.
no, not turning lesbian on anyone - i'm too homophobic personally to go anywhere near that. no offense to gays out there, it's just that i personally cannot stomach the idea of me being attracted to another girl "in that way". so yes, rest assured that i'm still very straight, very very normal.
uhm. okay, i'll settle for very straight, since i foresee that quite a few of you will dispute the "normal" tag. heh. bitches. that includes you, osala! hahahaa!
but seriously, if i were ever to have a sister, i'd want that sister to be like her.
well, i guess i feel a little lonesome right now, living alone... though i'm willing to bet that the source of this slight bluesy-wuesy feeling is the actual result of hunger... : P
yeah, been hitting the calculator hard recently with the pageants going on. loving every moment of it, the excitement, the make-up, the limelight, the whole "being beautiful" thing. knowing that i am loved. : )
this limelight, make-up and pageantry's all new to me! rest assured though, i remain very much in tune with who i am, as today's sermon warns: what you have is not yours. you are steward of everything you possess, your smarts, your voice, your ability to walk, run, jump - money, house, heck, even yer dog.
thus.
i know i can sing and i'm going to get groomed. i will ace this, i know. i will be joyous and prosperous and fit in to the very idea of "wildly successful".
i also know that i will still be me when i find riches and fame. i would have grown even more then, and most of it will be good. having said that, i will continue to have that humility with me, because of the foundations that are being set right now, with iglamour. they teach well.
yes, i have come to the right place. yes, yes, yes and yes. praise be to God.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
reason?
my well-meaning maid has washed and ironed my clothes today - and in the process burnt a patch in my white ruffled dress.
i liked that dress. because it was ruffled and in a strangely delectable way, makes me look like i'm wearing a hershey's layer of icing. it also has a good flounce factor when i walk; i almost always feel like the human version of a peacock when i wear that dress. and it's a luxurious cream in colour.
i liked that dress.
in fact, it is the same one i'm wearing in that picture on the right. see how soft it seems to be? well it is.
so... well, there's now a patch of über shiny patch on the left-back-top side of it and i really don't want to risk blinding anyone by walking under the sun and then getting sued for being a partial mirror ball -
no, it's not really that shiny. and no i'm probably not going to wear it unless i cover it up with a jacket, which means it'd defeat the purpose of having ruffles in the first place.
i'm probably not going to wear it again. hum.
reason to go pick up some more stuff? <: +
i liked that dress. because it was ruffled and in a strangely delectable way, makes me look like i'm wearing a hershey's layer of icing. it also has a good flounce factor when i walk; i almost always feel like the human version of a peacock when i wear that dress. and it's a luxurious cream in colour.
i liked that dress.
in fact, it is the same one i'm wearing in that picture on the right. see how soft it seems to be? well it is.
so... well, there's now a patch of über shiny patch on the left-back-top side of it and i really don't want to risk blinding anyone by walking under the sun and then getting sued for being a partial mirror ball -
no, it's not really that shiny. and no i'm probably not going to wear it unless i cover it up with a jacket, which means it'd defeat the purpose of having ruffles in the first place.
i'm probably not going to wear it again. hum.
reason to go pick up some more stuff? <: +
Saturday, June 21, 2008
misinterpretation?
i was just recalling my conversation with someone earlier today - at this illogical hour - that i mentioned "seems like we're drifting further and further apart" when he mentioned he wanted to do his masters and whatnot.
then he said that settling down is not part of his priorities right now. it didn't hit me just then but it's getting me now: does "drifting further and further apart" mean "i want to settle down with you now"? did he take it as a hint from me to "MARRY ME, RIGHT NOW"?
the last time i checked the two were unrelated, even in my odd dictionary. is it a case of male over-sensitivity to commitment? i don't know, but i sure know that i'd been misunderstood. pity i didn't catch that just now.
i know i'd like to have him in my life, but if he's not it then alright. moving on, laughing while at it. marriage - doesn't quite matter whom it's with - not until i'm very much older, please. i feel i need to develop me personality some more; i feel like i hadn't grown fully yet. if i were to get married now it'd probably end up in divorce, and i only want to marry once and stick with that one.
don't mistake me: i like romance. marriage, however, is something different altogether, something i want to be slow about. i still haven't seen the world. i still haven't made my mark. i still want to roam, lead my life, have fun, laugh. i want to be glad to leave my past behind when i get married, that's when i know i've had my fun.
i think marriage's something that happens naturally. like how a seed must sprout when given the right conditions.
and no, no kids.
not yet. not until i'm stable in my own career and can pull my own weight, even after i'm pregnant and/or with kids running about the house. that might translate to what, 35 and above?
lol i don't know.
and there it is again. how i dislike being misunderstood like that. can i be understood nicely, appropriately? i hesitate to call each time that happens. i hesitate to try.
then he said that settling down is not part of his priorities right now. it didn't hit me just then but it's getting me now: does "drifting further and further apart" mean "i want to settle down with you now"? did he take it as a hint from me to "MARRY ME, RIGHT NOW"?
the last time i checked the two were unrelated, even in my odd dictionary. is it a case of male over-sensitivity to commitment? i don't know, but i sure know that i'd been misunderstood. pity i didn't catch that just now.
i know i'd like to have him in my life, but if he's not it then alright. moving on, laughing while at it. marriage - doesn't quite matter whom it's with - not until i'm very much older, please. i feel i need to develop me personality some more; i feel like i hadn't grown fully yet. if i were to get married now it'd probably end up in divorce, and i only want to marry once and stick with that one.
don't mistake me: i like romance. marriage, however, is something different altogether, something i want to be slow about. i still haven't seen the world. i still haven't made my mark. i still want to roam, lead my life, have fun, laugh. i want to be glad to leave my past behind when i get married, that's when i know i've had my fun.
i think marriage's something that happens naturally. like how a seed must sprout when given the right conditions.
and no, no kids.
not yet. not until i'm stable in my own career and can pull my own weight, even after i'm pregnant and/or with kids running about the house. that might translate to what, 35 and above?
lol i don't know.
and there it is again. how i dislike being misunderstood like that. can i be understood nicely, appropriately? i hesitate to call each time that happens. i hesitate to try.
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