two days ago

two days ago chris had asked if i'd like to attend his camp's "family day" - when i say "camp" i mean "the army" and when i say "family day" i quote chris: "meant for wives or if they're not married their girlfriends".

why this, now?


what, after all of this he realises that he loves me? nearly a month ago i wrote that i'd let him go, and i did.

as far as i'm concerned, we are no longer together.

i feel for him, yes. i loved him, true.


i think i'd very much rather be single than to have to be on the road of "unscrewing oneself" with him, as a partner. i'll be there as a friend. i just don't think i should be there as a love interest.

because it's too late chris. you didn't know what you had when you had it. that is the price for not recognising what you want when you have it, right there in the palm of your hand.

All About My Dog - Marimo

work

i had a bad day at work, simply because i don't have all the answers.

i don't know everything, and i expected myself to, sorta.


someone was asking me about indonesia's geography - and indonesia is a place where i lived in when i was a child, i wasn't even born there. i don't know indonesia well, if at all.

i felt like an idiot. but it's alright. reminds me that i don't know everything. so i learn. and tomorrow, i scour the atlas.

when it goes

when it goes, it goes like flypaper stuck onto your hair.

sometimes it takes a few strands of hair with it, sometimes more. and if you're unlucky that flypaper has conveniently stuck on to your cheek and eyebrow and eyelashes. heh

but as flypapers go, it has to be rid of, and then you continue to live your life.


well sometimes you get flypaper. sometimes you get gum. and sometimes, just sometimes, you get a nice bit of candy that you will enjoy and then finish.

so what do you look for?

a kite? a pet bird? a fish in a bowl?


..i know what i got. i had a proud little pigeon. not a hawk, not a sparrow. a pigeon that thought itself a hawk.

suffice to say, i've seen hawks, i've seen sparrows, and by george i've seen pigeons. those are the ones that act like hawks.

and it cut itself loose.. only i still have a feather of this bird.


and it is so.

bravely, briefly

Dear God, today i'd let chris go.

i would do nothing to hold him back from his ambition and happiness and i had attempted to, bravely (however briefly) told him that he should chase his dream and that i completely support his ambition even when i know that will probably take him away from me.

i've been brave these few months, i think this will probably be the part that needs the greatest bit of courage. (please help me here, Lord >_<)

i ask that You, oh Lord, bless him in his endeavors, may his path be smooth because You are there to pave the way, Lord.

in Jesus' Name, i pray. amen.

My Slump (Madtv)

for when shit happens

"sad"

you know what's sad?

being sad is being insecure about someone, something. regardless of the potential or fulfilled potential that you have you will continue to feel "not good enough" and full of suspicion and fear. that's sad.

it's like naomi campbell's bad behaviour (thrashed ex-boyfriend's yacht, for one), a certain friend's need to surround herself with company, a certain student's fear of failing, an employee's daily struggle with whether or not he's going to get fired, yelled at, thrown darts at that day...

isn't that sad?

living a life like this, i mean?


and how do you walk out of it? leave the job? stay single? bang your head against the wall and hope the blackout lasts till your next reprieve?

i think in this case what sharon stone has said is true: know what you are afraid of. then do it. at this stage, it is important to know what you fear, and why you fear.

it really doesn't matter, reaaally doesn't matter at aaaall

so sing the corrs. and it's true. so what if one has waited for another for hours?

so what if he or she or i then say "i'm tired, see you another day"?


poor is the one who feels affront - after all, it's all about "who're you to me", no?

heng i'm not the one who's feeling stood up.


whatever it is, i shall be rich. abundantly rich. because i asked and He loves me. Amen.

smokin' gun

another one bites the dust!
cause i'm done
with indecisive someones
i'm not who i was, back then in the past


post script: it seems that i cannot shake this fella. he's just... wow. first time in my life that i cannot shake someone.

love, it pursues me

love, it pursues me, relentlessly, charmingly.

fish

i realise that there are this many fish out there, geebus. and all great big fantastic fishies! i'm swimming in big fishes' pool! wooo

and then...!

and then the butterflies suddenly meet the insecticide and die.

amen.*



* postscript: wow. it took all of four days.

in love

okay, so i'm in love. butterflies in my stomach and suchlike.

thus?

love

methinks i'm in love.

met a man who made my insides flutter, one who's strong and quietly charming. chinese, thank heavens. he excites me just by being there, with his grin, with his oh-so-wonderful quiet charm. good heavens

i wonder if it were someone i'm compatible with. meanwhile, i am not pushing, not pulling. letting it all come.


amen.

FEAR

SHERA FLEXY BOARD

DISCRIMINATION (or is it?)

Yer Goin' Ta (Hell Hell) Prison

Which Love Language Do You Speak?

Turns out, there are five... very interesting read, this. I wish I knew this earlier.

read more | digg story

emo style

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Acts of Service

My Detailed Results:
Acts of Service:	11
Receiving Gifts:	7
Words of Affirmation:	5
Quality Time:	5
Physical Touch:	2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

the search

it seems that at twenty-five, i am still searching for bits of myself. bits and the understanding on how people work, how charisma works on people and how it works on me.

right now, i'm pretty glad that hey, i've this bunch of friends who offer "peer support" as this friend calls it.

i wonder what "peer support" means... haven't i got peer support already? hm. perhaps we only feel understood when we talk to someone who is in a similar position...? has that ever worked for me? will i feel better, perversely, telling people "oh, the woes of being [whatever it is that is causing you the woe]", because i might "feel special"? because of my "unique problem"?

haha what hogwash!

peer support. i wonder what it is. this perhaps might be a very very good thing indeed.


miraculously, i suddenly understand that i need not be shy about being affectionate. i don't have to apologise, nor explain. -chuckle-

thank You, God, for telling me so. i love You, too.


let me grow into a better, better, better version of Loren Lord, and soon, please. i want to be in time for Your plans, which i'm guessing are happening within this year. in You i trust and surrender to, Lord. Amen.

uncommon sense

had been speaking with a certain chap today - and gained some wisdom over some late-night chat.

it was nice.


lesson learnt? it's not as complicated as it seems most of the time.

MadTv Internet! - longer version

i need to sell those.

thus

and thus i refrain.*

* postscript: correction. it should be, thus i relinquish all responsibility. this is the time when i simply rely on Christ.

pattern?

it seems to start out like this.

i meet chap (or chap meets me, depending on how you want to look at it), we go hang out, chap falls headoverheels in love, i step in it, i resist, i get charmed then we get together -

all is rosy for a while, then somehow something happens along the way and we break up.


so many examples of that happening, even when i thought i've found the perfect person for me. i am wary.

i am so very wary now that i know i can be fooled. thus i resist.

he made my face burn

gosh. this is the first time in a long time that someone's made my face burn.

i was recounting via sms how my day squeaked by on my wheel of limited spokes (referring to how little i realise i know about the nature of my job) while having a headache at the same time as a result of running around like a headless chicken in places that were positively crawling with police and dignitaries alike. same thing with CIDs in suits.

but i digress.

so yes, he made my face burn. possibly because my guard was down, because i was tired and stressed when the sms popped in - but whatever it was it made my face burn.

simply by saying ”好想你哦“*


"i miss you so" in chinese

love?

i... think i'm in love. no, no relationship, still single - though i think i might be falling in love and i'm resisting it.

natural reaction to every love affair i've been in; resisting it right now. commitment phobia setting in: wanting it but not having any of it.


july. and i meet someone who brings me joy in july.

Sad Panda

dating

i guess this is what they call dating.

it be casual fun.

sing

and i know that this is the life i wanted.

i sang. on stage. impromptu. and loved it. loved them.



this is the life i want. the life i wanted, the life i still want.

and that's it. amen.

church

i went to church today, and had myself prayed over by the pastor... i wept.

again, not much reason to weep other than having to spend time sweating it out in the heat then not being able to tell stinky people off during church - because i might be smelling just like them.

the poor pastor got concerned and told me to "don't keep it all inside".. ^^'


i wanted to tell him i'm alright but he probably wouldn't have believed me, as i... er, really wept. hm.

i felt cleansed though, after service. emotionally and spiritually cleansed, if you will, and i felt better. cleaner, even - so it's all good. :)))


praise be to Lord. happy.

two gentlemen

it seems that i had been in the company of two gentlemen this evening - one of whom is chivalrous enough to open car doors for me. that, i'm glad to announce, is proof that chivalry is very much alive and that youth is not always an indication of maturity.

most of the time yes, but not all of the time i'm glad to report. for now at least, i hope he can keep that statement with him. :)


good, good. there is hope for womenkind. haha

something to make you laugh

really!

end of part one

well, the pageant's over - i was a finalist - and i slept till 8:30pm the next day. i've never felt so roundly satisfied, so pleased.

i didn't win any crowns, but boy was i glad that jenn and jas were there that day. the whole world could've been missing, but their presence made it all alright. i realise that these two people are still two of the most important people in my life. :)


i love you, babes. i feel very very blessed by God that i should have you two in my life. thank you, for being with me.

thank You, for giving me these two lovely friends.

gladness

at times like this i am so very glad that i have friends whom i call, sincerely, friends. jenn, jas, tammie et al.

the indescribable connection and well-being that i feel right now is... wow. if i were there with you, each one of you, i will hold your hand and squeeze it and tell you that i'm glad i'm there with you.

the heart, the heart!

the heart doesn't race for that someone anymore, to which i'm glad. basically that means i'm pretty much cool about most things, even when it comes to being on stage right now.

a certain clarissa is right: the stage fright wears off and suddenly, i shine. this i one of the best times of my life! rehearsals, friends, learning, laughs. i love it!

lone

at times like this, when i'm back in my own room to some hours of solitude and quietness, i sit before the computer and start to type. at the end of the day, i start to type.

then i find out how tough it is to do so with false nails. nabeh.


ahem.

well, suffice to say, this is a beautiful period, with tammie. she's a ray of sunshine and she's someone i am growing to love, though she gets the heebie-jeebies when i tell her that in person lol! come to think of it, she's turned up for my ms earth pageant just to support me today at chinatown point, even when she's not involved.

yeah, she's sweet-tempered and smiley. she's assertive in the charming way as well. i've lots to learn from her.

..she is what i look for in a friend, can talk, we can chat, share make-up, clothes, support. with her i feel like she really cares for me, and that makes me want to care for her.

no, not turning lesbian on anyone - i'm too homophobic personally to go anywhere near that. no offense to gays out there, it's just that i personally cannot stomach the idea of me being attracted to another girl "in that way". so yes, rest assured that i'm still very straight, very very normal.

uhm. okay, i'll settle for very straight, since i foresee that quite a few of you will dispute the "normal" tag. heh. bitches. that includes you, osala! hahahaa!

but seriously, if i were ever to have a sister, i'd want that sister to be like her.


well, i guess i feel a little lonesome right now, living alone... though i'm willing to bet that the source of this slight bluesy-wuesy feeling is the actual result of hunger... : P

yeah, been hitting the calculator hard recently with the pageants going on. loving every moment of it, the excitement, the make-up, the limelight, the whole "being beautiful" thing. knowing that i am loved. : )

this limelight, make-up and pageantry's all new to me! rest assured though, i remain very much in tune with who i am, as today's sermon warns: what you have is not yours. you are steward of everything you possess, your smarts, your voice, your ability to walk, run, jump - money, house, heck, even yer dog.

thus.

i know i can sing and i'm going to get groomed. i will ace this, i know. i will be joyous and prosperous and fit in to the very idea of "wildly successful".

i also know that i will still be me when i find riches and fame. i would have grown even more then, and most of it will be good. having said that, i will continue to have that humility with me, because of the foundations that are being set right now, with iglamour. they teach well.

yes, i have come to the right place. yes, yes, yes and yes. praise be to God.

Cockpuncher Steven Segal

ooooh that's gotta hurt!

reason?

my well-meaning maid has washed and ironed my clothes today - and in the process burnt a patch in my white ruffled dress.

i liked that dress. because it was ruffled and in a strangely delectable way, makes me look like i'm wearing a hershey's layer of icing. it also has a good flounce factor when i walk; i almost always feel like the human version of a peacock when i wear that dress. and it's a luxurious cream in colour.

i liked that dress.

in fact, it is the same one i'm wearing in that picture on the right. see how soft it seems to be? well it is.

so... well, there's now a patch of über shiny patch on the left-back-top side of it and i really don't want to risk blinding anyone by walking under the sun and then getting sued for being a partial mirror ball -

no, it's not really that shiny. and no i'm probably not going to wear it unless i cover it up with a jacket, which means it'd defeat the purpose of having ruffles in the first place.

i'm probably not going to wear it again. hum.


reason to go pick up some more stuff? <: +

tired

man... i'm tired out. it's 11:21 and i'm tired, like, bone-tired.

i need sleep. >_<

misinterpretation?

i was just recalling my conversation with someone earlier today - at this illogical hour - that i mentioned "seems like we're drifting further and further apart" when he mentioned he wanted to do his masters and whatnot.

then he said that settling down is not part of his priorities right now. it didn't hit me just then but it's getting me now: does "drifting further and further apart" mean "i want to settle down with you now"? did he take it as a hint from me to "MARRY ME, RIGHT NOW"?

the last time i checked the two were unrelated, even in my odd dictionary. is it a case of male over-sensitivity to commitment? i don't know, but i sure know that i'd been misunderstood. pity i didn't catch that just now.

i know i'd like to have him in my life, but if he's not it then alright. moving on, laughing while at it. marriage - doesn't quite matter whom it's with - not until i'm very much older, please. i feel i need to develop me personality some more; i feel like i hadn't grown fully yet. if i were to get married now it'd probably end up in divorce, and i only want to marry once and stick with that one.

don't mistake me: i like romance. marriage, however, is something different altogether, something i want to be slow about. i still haven't seen the world. i still haven't made my mark. i still want to roam, lead my life, have fun, laugh. i want to be glad to leave my past behind when i get married, that's when i know i've had my fun.

i think marriage's something that happens naturally. like how a seed must sprout when given the right conditions.


and no, no kids.

not yet. not until i'm stable in my own career and can pull my own weight, even after i'm pregnant and/or with kids running about the house. that might translate to what, 35 and above?

lol i don't know.


and there it is again. how i dislike being misunderstood like that. can i be understood nicely, appropriately? i hesitate to call each time that happens. i hesitate to try.

hardness

i think it's hard to love someone you can't talk to.


the end. regrettably.

suddenly

eh. how come suddenly so many bees.

tammie! your luck with the opposite sex is rubbing off on me!

anxious, anxious!

so many things are happening! so many things all at once!

here goes, grace under fire. keeping my grace and wits about me. amen.

..or so i thought

or so i thought the bullet did.

'cause today we went back to playing (ie: me bothering him and him being indulgently tolerant). and it's back to numa-time! >: D

the bullet bites deep

it has hit me. it's finally hit me that he's leaving. it's real, it's sinking in.

>_<

nearing the end of the line

i found out yesterday morning, that my adorable, humourous, humble, likeable boss is leaving singapore for his hometown end of july.

i still cannot believe that he is leaving, strangely. one thing is for sure, is that we're easier around each other, more cheerful, more open. there was a distinct shift in position and perspective and we're taking it all a little easier...

i still cannot believe that he's leaving. maybe it hasn't hit me yet. he's such a great boss, working for him is like playing. every day i've been playing and reading and playing and playing and playing.

..i know that this period for me is incubatory, i just didn't know when it'll end. i had wondered about that during when i first joined the company, when i'll feel better, when this stint will end, when i'll be ready to start another phase of my life - there's got to be a "signal" somewhere and when i thought well, alright - and before i can come to a conclusive thought there the signal is.

end of july. i'll probably stick around till end of august, then i'll move on. that is for the new person taking over fujimoto-san. that is so i know that he will have better footing in singapore, that loose ends will have been tied up already, and he will be able to handle it.

another door with open, probably before then, and the path for me will carry on will be apparent.


...through the years that my boss has worked in singapore, he hadn't quite expected the HQ to be calling him back to japan now. according to him he was a little distraught when he heard the news himself... perhaps it's because he is an untidy person? haha

unfunny jokes aside... i know i'm going to spend the following weeks and days in the office remembering each and every moment, the kind of practical jokes we play on each other, the nonsensical things we try to teach each other... it's a great thing to be here, fujimoto-san.

yeah, i want to tell him that. i want to tell him that it's been a great time spent here with him, that it will be one of the best times i've ever had in my life; i will always - i promise, always - remember it. i have the newspaper cutouts to document the time when i am here, in sankei shimbun. january, and counting. still counting.


i'm sorry he had to leave; i probably won't see him again. i do hope, though, that he will be well, that our paths hopefully may cross another time in our lives.

so i can tell him, hello fujimoto-san, i am back! tadaima! - and grin at him, like i usually do.

bliss

bliss is finding a set of clothes for $50.40 that is exactly what you're looking for.*



*never mind that you're looking for a lot of things.

heh heh hehh

i thought i'd have to suffer through an episode of having to kill and get rid of a cockroach by myself the next time it happens but as it turns out, there was one scrambling about in my room - no idea how it got there but anyways - and i was in the same room with it!

...thankfully the air-con boys were still around and one of them had bravely stepped to the fore on this roach-extrication.


my hero. ^^

exams tomorrow

exam's tomorrow and i'm slacking off typing this online. >_<

two more chapters to go. a lot of fancy legal mumbo-jumbo to sift through. omggg jennn i need your braaainnnn

studying

well yeah, i'm studying. financial stuff.

exam's saturday. i am so sticking my nose into the book e-v-e-r-y day. >_<

easier

i don't know if it's the meds, or if it's the fact that the period has come, but the emotions are way much easier to manage. even if it were pms though, it must not interfere with me, so much so that i get so messed up.

so... yeah. i feel better. normal.

back then i couldn't quite feel bored, just a restlessness that i cannot quite get rid of. now, i can feel boredom, and i am more laid-back. : )

i feel good.

doc's

the doc gave me some medicine, we had a chat.

we both understand that problems don't go away with the popping of the pill, like how an amputee won't grow a new arm when he takes the medication that i take. or how i can't erase the self-indignities i'd rather not have done.

but i know that it will make emotions less harmful and more cooperative, instead of relying solely on knowledge.

like knowing how my heart won't make it out of my chest no matter how hard it tries.


this has gone on long enough. i'm going to be better. : )

note

dear all,

it is with a little trepidation that i type this note in the morning to you.

i think i'm depressed. some of you may know that something's not quite right with me and believe me, i believed the same when i had harmful thoughts some time ago. i've come to the decision to seek help; for i think i am not strong enough for this. i am not the sort to want to kill myself, i recognise that.

it is unfortunate that some things have ended and no doubt i have played a part in those situations. i do not mean for depression to be a miracle pill for my behaviour the past few months, and for all you know, i really do feel that way about certain things. like being sworn at.

but for things like moodswings, desperate calls when i did not know what to do anymore, i offer my sincerest apologies. if i had hurt you, or have had you worried, angry, unsettled, i am deeply sorry. i needed help, and i thought of you.

for the impulsive calls that i dial, please forgive me. i dare not say that i do not know what i am doing but it is close to that. i am trying to control it, and it is working.

i want to smile again. i have a pretty nice smile, too. look!

it may have been intolerable and un-understandable that i wanted to die. i hope none of you had had to live with depression, and if you must understand, it's like pms, only much more pervasive and it hits about seven times harder. there will also be times when your heart seems to be in a hurry to get out of your chest. then you cry for sheer relief that hey, you're alive and well and your heart's still where it's supposed to be, like you knew it would be but daren't believe so.


having said all of that, please wish me luck on this front, it is a difficult time for me.

right now, i don't quite know what else to say. perhaps not saying anything is the best speech ever.


today, i am taking a day off and am going to see the doctor. one thing for sure is that i would very much like your company during this. if you can give me a call, please do. or send me an sms if you are concerned, or are simply wondering how i am.

i will appreciate that very much.


thank you friend, in advance, for telling me that you care about me.

quit it!

eh quit calling him or wanting to call him.

quit hurting him, enough already. your calling him is silly and hurtful. stop it!

grow up k, woman? take his silence as a great big clue already, just let it drop, like he let it drop. let go of stones, remember? let go of stones, and reach for the peaches above.

carry on like this and he'll never love you again. keep on like this and NOBODY will love you ever again.

this moment

this moment i realise that i need love.

rather, i realise i need to love. whom is not the issue right now, it just so happens that the last person i loved was him. the earthquakes that used to shake my heart are now knocks on the door. i think i need to decide.

go on and forge forth. i need to love someone. and i will love someone. there is a void in me that i need to fill. smiling as i type this, knowing this is true. i will love, because it is my need. i am glad, now, that i have love. it's flowing, smooth.


at this moment, i'm happy. how cool's that? i'm happy. i'm scared but i'm happy. i'm scared that he won't love me nor return my call nor et cetera et cetera but i'm happy. by and by the fear will fade.

or i can look it in the eye and dig it right out. the important thing now, is that i'm happy. i know it will lead to gladness, joy, security. in actual fact, i have it. it's within me; i'm happy knowing this. i need only myself to be happy, actually.

i choose to be happy. i choose to love. i choose to love, me. : )



open my palms to let go of stones, to reach for the peaches above. and that's the way it should be!

logic? logic.

logic denotes that the best revenge is living well.

i will live well. i will look good. i will aim for success, and i will put in the efforts necessary for this.


i will... open my palm, let the stones drop, to reach for the peaches instead. : )

Crazy Loop (Mm ma ma)

now THIS is what i call being alive!

the way a friendship ends or lives

it's strange how it's coming all at once.

first about people i've known most of my life, second about a person who i've known for a long time. sometimes, if it does not work anymore, it's just better to say well, so long now, and wish them well.

too often, we wish that we could be more open and closer to people we are supposed to be friends with but somehow, just somehow, it doesn't work out that way.

perhaps it'll be different when we meet again, someday at some cafe, that we'll be able to find some topic of conversation instead of having to struggle to look for one. we all know we'd love to make our friendships work, and that we'd be there for each other if need be.

that is, if one would feel it natural and "alright" to communicate such and such a need to the other, of course. no-one can help right an issue if he/she does not know about it in the first place, no?


thus... i hope we meet in some cafe and smile genuine smiles and be really glad that hey, we meet again. then at least we'll have a reason to not feel too odd about making small talk then toy with the idea of "having lunch again, like we used to".

friends, et cetera

sometimes you get to a point wherein you realise that the people you've known for more than a decade are suddenly strangers, that, oh yeah, you had indeed known each other for more than ten years but had been acquaintances for the past seven and you'd grown so apart that unless you start liking yoga and watch teevee you're probably not going to get back to where you were with them.

that is when you understand that well, alright. wow. so that's that, then.


sometimes, you also realise that you never want to be without someone. the very idea of him saying hello the way he used to, the shy way he smiles at you when he sees you suddenly floats right before your eyes as though he were really there and all of a sudden, you lose your appetite, wanting his charming hello to be for you and you only.

then you understand that hey you'd been dating. so who's hurt who, really?


well, i think we both know that this is not our time. there. saying it doesn't make it feel better. but this might: while i felt alive that i was actually meeting someone up, i realise i'll never quite like them the way i like you.

and that's the way it is.

contemplation

i'm toying with the idea of not falling in love for the next two years. no relationships, no boys, no men, no getting-to-know-you period, no frogs no princes no third parties no online pint-sized distractions -

most of all, no heartaches.


it feels like i'll never love again.

for you, however. i wish you well. may the army help you find out more about yourself, may your job help you find your forte and love and bring you great joy and prosperity. may you become the man i think you'll become.

you'll be fine. don't worry, you'll be fine. life has a funny way of turning out alright. it'll all pass, eh? : )

sad songs

Kace: -smile-
Kace: I've been singing sad songs just now.
Kace: Guess someone upstairs heard then.
Kace: Good on you lar.
Kace: The moments where you smile don't always last long so treasure them.
Kace: And the moments you cry don't last long either, so treasure those to when you smile.
Kace: -hug-
Me: : ) you sang sad songs for me? -moved-
Me: thank you kace. : ) for telling me you care about me.
Me: agh
Me: darn crying again >_<
Me: <-- tear ducts very developed
Kace: Well, hearing that you were sad just made me sing sad songs.
Kace: Just happened.
Me: awww...
Kace: :)
Me: <: )
Me: thank you. sincerely.

call

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse - my mum called to say that she's going vegetarian tomorrow and thus is it possible to cancel our mother's day celebration then...


okay, time to lock the door, make friends with the box of tissue and be glad for the privacy afforded to me.

song

for some reason when i was crying in the office, this song came to me.


I read a note my Grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me
He said, "Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I love your Grandma so.

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said :

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray
I know I've never seen him cry in all my fifteen years
But as he said these words to her, his eyes fill up with tears

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."


then i thanked God for waterproof mascara.

contact

wah. contacting mr hew hurt. even when he doesn't reply - or perhaps it's precisely because i know he won't know how to reply and therefore he doesn't. i think i've been hurt quite a bit in this relationship.

army, tuuf, stone-walling.


i should simply stay away until i've truly healed. fall in love with someone else, possibly. cry my tears, let them dry, move on.

yeah it's been more than two months, but felt like i've lost him for longer than that. haha.. welp, i'll be alright. i'll be alright. may's a good month, i know it. i'll be alright.

everything'll be alright.

blast from the past

today, i met one of the ghosts of my past.

his name shall not be mentioned for fear of google searches, as forewarned by a certain mr hew. not that he's warned me about the power of google but because he has found my blogs by googling "apple strudel", back when my landlady used to steal my food.

on impulse, i called out to him, and he came by to say hi. he did not speak my name perhaps for fear that i had changed it, as i had a habit of doing back then. he asked for my namecard, which i had thankfully run out of due to a press conference at the japanese embassy earlier that evening - and i had refused to give him my mobile number. after all, i had almost caused the breakdown of his marriage.

that was a dramatic one, our history, with jealous confrontations (by wife), scandals and money (he's got it, i didn't take it but the wife thought i accepted it). throw in illicit liaisons and you pretty much get the idea of what we had back then. that's what taiwanese drama serials are made of, lol!

i had loved him so. then when i didn't love him, he loved me. that was basically what had almost caused the unfortunate crack in his marriage. i'm glad i left early enough for it to hold together.

at least i hope it's still being held together! i didn't ask, neither.


anyhoos. i made contact after i'd dallied for dinner and had been seen home by a rather "warm" acquaintance. i'd left no tracks, no rope to hold on to.

i'd been wanting to thank him, for the times we had, good and bad. hadn't seen him till today. and today, i finally did.

the end.

the kill

Same Chap: so have you done anything interesting?
Me: nothing i'd call exciting outright, no
Same Chap: lol, would you meet me again, or have i been tossed into the recycled bin?

bitter reminder

Me: hey
Me: i've a bit of time now, what's up? : )
Some Chap: nothing much
Some Chap: work as usual
Some Chap: how have you been these last few days?
Me: er. ok lor. the usual.
Me: yourself?
Some Chap: yeah i'm good, just quite tired
Me: i see...
Me: poor you.
Some Chap: tried to sleep early last night but i'm still tired
Me: i see
Me: might be the weather.
Some Chap: yeah it is pretty hot
Me: ^^


this kind of conversation reminds me of my conversations with my ex. he had nothing to say, and i tried to have something to say. right now, i could do without this kind of small talk.

conversations, please. small talk - stand aside unless you're planning to buy something from me. assuming i've something to sell, of course.

dinner

i stumbled back home today, having made it in one piece through the busride (seated beside a man with a charming natural smell – one so charming i got quite a headache from it >_<) - and got to my catered dinner quickly.

when i popped the compartmentalised carrier open, boy.


the surge in food prices must've hit them hard.

in one compartment was quite a bit of vegetables, which was good. then there were two BITS of chicken in the next, and two fishballs in the third. the soup had one slice of boiled melon and about five flecks of meat. to be fair though, it was quite enough for a small eater.

so... i'm not complaining, but i won't be surprised if they said, "oh by the way... our new price is...." -_-

O o

he called.

he called and he sms-ed.



what the heck's going on??

wait. relax. don't panic. it's just a call.

date

wow. i just went on a date.

a (one) drink at the brewerkz nearby – an impromptu, spontaneous decision – and there we were! it's quite exciting, meeting new people i mean, even if i weren't interested in that chap.

it brings new perspective, and it's a mind-broadening activity: being civil, watching the person find similarities with you, nodding; him being chivalrous – the likes. -grin-

yep, i definitely feel alive.

Slow Motion By Joey Boy

this is embedded spirit upliftness. "LOW IT DOWN LITTLE BIIIIT"

HAHAHHAHA

Tennis Ball

Jamie Foxx. Serena! Somebody save the ladayy!!

classes!

yes, i signed up for baptism class after service this morning!

i'm so so glad that i did it; so so glad that i finally felt hey, this is what i need to do, i'm finally sure, i'm finally so so sure that i want to be with Him.

here's waiting for the class of preparation!

prayer

Lord, I ask for a man who is expressive Lord; one who is strong and who will call, send word. I pray for someone who is proactive Lord, who will initiate contact like a man should, who is human, who will ask me gently, "what's wrong?" when I'm feeling down Lord. I pray that he will be the kind who is confident enough to be able to talk about the serious stuff as well as the funny stuff. May I simply find a sense of safety in him Lord, that I'll be even stronger when he's around.

I pray, Lord, that the man will be able to tell the difference between being a man and being a hardened chunk of clay. May I be the water that softens the clay, Lord; let him be willing to be softened, and let me be willing to soften him.

Father, I ask that there be a sense of peace when i make the right moves Lord, so I may find happiness and joy. Please uplift my spirits and give me peace.

In Lord Jesus' Name, I pray.


Amen.

sometimes

y'know, sometimes i feel stupid for wanting to make things easier for the other person. it would look like i'm the bad guy, making last-minute changes in plans when in fact those plans weren't even set up proper.

>_<

smile

all i can do is to smile and be gracious...

hope

i'm hoping against hope that he'd actually bade his fare-thee-wells after i called and had rushed to try to meet me. <: (

he mumbled something about having classified stuff that he can't tell me about.


what's that got to do with playing games online and failing to .. >_<

i'm too tired to contemplate this.


all i wanted was to hold him to sleep.

replacements

wow... when one somehow, just somehow (don't ask me how) just manages to miss the chance to make it all okay, another one actually sms-es me out of nowhere to ask if i'd like to meet.

"what, now?" i'd asked. "but i'm bleary-eyed."

"it's alright even if you're cock-eyed," he'd said.


and i wish i didn't have to compete with someone in a virtual world. i've lost him.

another shot

oh, goodness me, i'd been reading her story, THIS ONE.

and this is the best bit of it all:

31st May 2007

Post Script: Impromptu Interview With Marlboro Man
Date: Yesterday
Place: The Pioneer Living Room
Pioneer Woman: Honey, in ten words or less, what do you remember about the first meal I cooked for you?
Marlboro Man: I really hated it. But I really liked you.

from thepioneerwoman.com

this is a true story, chronicled by The Pioneer Woman (name's Ree), who's married to someone she calls The Marlboro Man - not that he smokes, but rather that he looks like the chap on marlboro cig boxes.

that's right, he's a real cowboy.

here, i've happily copied it right off HER WEBSITE. i promise you this is one great love story. and Marlboro Man - he is so macho.

Black Heels to Tractor Wheels: A Love Story. Part XXXIII
Apr. 25, 2008

We spent the morning driving, my Marlboro Man and me. We drove around the hidden places and the far reaches of his family’s ranch: through rippling creeks, across innumerable cattle guards, over this hill, past that thicket of trees. All of this in search of the ideal spot for us to start our lives together. Marlboro Man liked the house in which he’d been living, but it was far removed from the heart of the ranch and he’d always planned to set up a more permanent spot somewhere. That we were now engaged to be married made it the perfect time for him to make the transition. I always liked his house; it was rustic and unadorned, yet beautiful in its simplicity. I could live there. Or I could live in another house. Or I could live in his pickup, or in his barn, or in a tee-pee in a pasture…just as long as he was there. But he wanted to drive and look together, so we drove. And we looked. And we held hands. And we talked. And somewhere along the way, in the bright morning sunshine, Marlboro Man stopped his pickup under the shade of a tree, crossed the great divide between our leather bucket seats, and grabbed me in a sexy, warm embrace. And we sat there and kissed, like two teenagers parked at a drive-in. A drive-in in 1958, though. Before the sexual revolution. Before Cinemax, though my mind remained very much in the 1990’s. It was hard to practice restraint in the pickup that morning.

We did, though, ending our make-out fest within minutes instead of hours, which would have been my choice. But we had a lifetime ahead. Things to do. Cattle guards to cross, and we continued our drive, checking out some of the more obvious locations we might one day call our home. We started at the Home Place—the quaint, modest homestead where his grandfather used to live back when he was a newly married rancher just beginning to raise a family. The well-maintained road on which we drove wasn’t always there, Marlboro Man told me, and when any amount of rain would fall, his grandmother would find herself trapped at the Home Place for days because of the roaring, impassable creek. His grandmother had been a city girl much like me, Marlboro Man said, and had resisted living on the ranch at the beginning. But because she wanted to marry his grandfather, she’d bitten the bullet and made the move.

“How sweet,” I replied. “Did she eventually wind up liking it?”

“Well, she tried to,” he said. “But the first time she got on a horse my grandpa laughed at her.” Marlboro Man explained. “She got off and said that was the last time she was ever riding a horse.” Malrboro Man chuckled his signature chuckle.

“Oh…hmmm,” I said, smiling nervously. “Well, how long did it take her to get used to it?”

“Well, she never really did,” Marlboro Man said. “They eventually moved to town and bought a house.” He chuckled again.

I looked out the window, twirling my hair. Something about the Home Place didn’t seem like the best fit.

We continued our drive, not making any permanent decisions that day about where we’d live. We’d been engaged less than 24 hours, after all; there was no huge rush. When we finally returned to his house, we curled up on his couch and watched a movie. Gone With the Wind, of all things. He was a fan. And as I lay there that afternoon and watched the South crumble around Scarlett O’Hara’s knees for what had to have been the 304th time in my life, I touched the arms that held me so sweetly and securely…and I sighed contently, wondering how on earth I’d ever found this person.
______________________

Meanwhile, word of our engagement had begun to spread through my hometown of 35,000, thanks in no small part to My Retarded Brother, Mike, and his patented Bullhorn Approach to announcing our engagement at the mall the day before. My return to my hometown after living in Los Angeles had been somewhat noteworthy, since I’d always given off the air—sometimes obnoxiously so—of someone who thought she belonged in a larger, more cosmopolitan locale. The fact that I would now be hanging up my L.A.-acquired black pumps to move to an isolated ranch in the middle of nowhere was enough to raise a few eyebrows. I could almost hear the whispers through the grapevine.

“Ree? Is getting married?”

“Seriously? She’s marrying a rancher?”

“She’s going to live in the COUNTRY?”

“I can’t picture Ree…riding a horse.”

“She’s the last person I would ever imagine in the country.”

“Whatever happened to her California boyfriend..?”

________________________________

When he walked me to my car late that afternoon, minutes after Scarlett declared tomorrow another day. Marlboro Man backed me up against the driver side door and rested his hands lightly on my waist. He caressed my rib cage up and down, touching his forehead to mine and closing his eyes—as if he were recording the moment in his memory. And it tickled like crazy, his fingertips on my ribs, but I didn’t care; I was engaged to this man, I told myself, and there’ll likely be much rib caressing and forehead touching in the future. I needed to harden myself to its deathgrip, I told myself. I needed to toughen up, to be able to withstand such onslaughts of romance without my knees buckling beneath me and without my forgetting my mother’s maiden name and who my first grade teacher was. I needed to practice now, I told myself, to desensitize myself to its power. Otherwise I had lots of years of trouble—and decreased productivity—ahead. So I stood there and took it, closing my eyes as well and trying with all my might to will away the ticklish sensations. They had no place here. Begone, Satan! Ree, hold still.

My mind won, and we stood there and hugged and kissed and thumbed our nose at the reality that we were two separate bodies…and the western sun behind us changed from yellow to orange to pink to a brilliant, impossible red—the same color as the fire between us.
______________________

On the drive home, my whole torso felt warm, tingly, right. Like you’ve awakened from the most glorious dream you’ve ever had, when you’re still half-in, half-out and you still feel the dream and it’s still real. I forced myself to think, to look around me, to take it all in. One day, I told myself as I drove down that rural county road, I’m going to be driving down a road like this to run to the grocery store in town…or pick up the mail on the highway…or take my kids to cello lessons.

Cello lessons? That would be possible, right? Or ballet? Surely there was an academy nearby.

We’d casually thrown some wedding dates around: August? September? October? When the weather was cool again. When shipping was over. When we could relax and celebrate and enjoy a nice, long honeymoon without the pressures of cattle work. Our wedding would likely be months and months away, which was fine with me. It would take me that long to address enough invitations for his side of the family, what with the cousins and uncles and aunts and extended relatives, all who seemed to live within a fifty mile radius, all of whom would want to celebrate the first wedding in Marlboro Man’s immediately family—a family who’d been rocked by the tragic death of the oldest son some twenty years before. And it would take me that long to break away from my old life, to cut the cord between my former and future selves.

Just then the phone in my car rang loudly. It was my sister, Betsy, who’d been visiting our parents’ house for the past 24 hours.

“Mom just saw Carolyn at the gift shop,” Betsy laughed. “She said she’d just heard about you getting engaged and she could not BELIEVE you were actually going to be living in the country…” We both laughed, knowing this was going to become a regular thing.

I couldn’t blame anyone for their judgments. And actually, I heartily agreed. I’d been the quintessential country club kid; Throughout my seventh-fairway childhood, I’d scampered across the golf course at will, jumping over rolling golf balls, just to take a dip in the pool. I’d used just about every sand trap on the golf course as my own personal sand box, sometimes even leaving my toys sticking through the surface for golfers to find. I’d been voted Best Dressed in seventh grade, and didn’t think it was the least bit strange that the junior high school I attended would even sanction such an award. (I won Class Clown, too, but tried to downplay it as much as I could.) And once I’d hit eighteen, I’d fled that place, my hometown of 35,000, at the earliest convenience, bailing on my lifelong friends in favor for Los Angeles, which seemed oh, so large—large enough for me to find what I was looking for.

So I couldn’t blame them for having their doubts. And the truth was, I still didn’t even know what it would all mean. Country life? It was still The Big Unknown to me. I closed my eyes and tried to reconcile my future—a future in an as yet unidentified house, likely at the end of an as yet unidentified dusty gravel road far away from restaurants and shops and makeup counters—with my citified, self-absorbed past. I just couldn’t see it; I had no idea what even to picture in my mind. What would I do every day? What time would I have to get out of bed? Would there be chickens involved? Though I’d dated Marlboro Man for some time, I’d never really spent the night with him…I’d never woken up to his schedule and watched how it all played out once his feet hit the floor. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do with him in the morning. Would I eat Grape Nuts in front of him, or wait ’til he left for the office? Wait—he didn’t even have an office. Would I go to work with him, or would I have to spend the day scrubbing clothes on the washboard…and hanging them on a clothesline? Where would Bounce come into play? If I sat still, my mind wandered and eventually, took over. And all the stereotypes I’d ever heard about country life swam around in my mind like a school of a million tiny fish. For some reason, I was completely powerless to shake them.

I finally arrived back home and entered my house. Betsy had gone out with friends from high school and when I walked into the kitchen I saw it—the elephant in the room: The door leading to the family room was closed; my parents were on the other side. The air was thick and suffocating and oppressive. I could actually see what normally would be intangible: tension, strife, conflict, pain. And just like that, I was split in two—giddy and fizzy and ecstatic about my future with Marlboro Man…and simultaneously, devastated and filled with doom and dread over the knowledge that the very fabric of my soul—my stable, normal, happy family life—was being ripped to shreds before my eyes. How could this perfect, shiny house have spiraled downward into such a den of death and destruction? That it happened to coincide with my finding the greatest love of my life had to be a joke.

Dragging up to my room, I kicked off my shoes and curled up on the soft chair next to my bed. I so wanted to leave, to avoid the whole godforsaken mess altogether. It was my parents’ problem, after all; I certainly had no power to reunite them. This should have liberating, but instead all I could think about was how on earth I’d be able to negotiate the next several months of my engagement. I could see it all in front of me—a never-ending, schizophrenic cycle of euphoric highs from being with my beloved…and abysmal lows the second I walked back into my parents’ house. I didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the contrast.

Suddenly, he called. He called as he always did after we’d spent the day together. He called to say Goodnight, I had a good time today, What are you doing tomorrow, I love you. His calls were a panacea; they instantly lifted me, reassured me, healed me, made me smile. Tonight’s call was no different.

“Hey, you,” he said, his gravelly voice reaching new heights of sexiness.

“Hey,” I said, quietly sighing. Feeling instantly better.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Sitting here,” I answered. “And thinking...”

“What about?” he said.

“I was thinking…” I began, hesitating for a moment. “I was thinking…that I want to elope.”

Marlboro Man chuckled at first. But when he realized I wasn’t laughing, he stopped. And for what seemed like an hour, we both sat on the phone in utter silence.


To be continued…

can anything be more beautiful? my heart aches just reading this, wanting this.

the rest of the chronicled story can be HERE.

ode to rice

y'know, during this period in which rice shortages are splashed across websites, newspapers and the wires i discover that i am in love with rice.

i have a sneaking suspicion that it's something to do with my lineage.


i find myself craving rice more. the way i actively seek out rice dishes near my workplace during lunchtime is... amusing, if you were to see the efforts i go to to get myself rice during then. i'd actually go to work dressed up in office wear so i can squirrel myself into upscale shopping malls' staff canteens to get myself some.

the reason of doing that is not really to satisfy my appetite for faux espionage (ie cheap thrills). on the contrary. i look at it as this is something i do in order to get desired results (rice for lunch) with least amount of trouble. imagine being looked over by the malls' sales staff due to my outfit of jeans shirt and jacket, deemed "highly suspicious", get hauled out by security without my rice. then being barred from that place for good.

so why do i go to all that trouble? i mean, it may well sound like putting on a spacesuit so you can go get cereal from the NASA canteen.

it may sound odd to you, but eating warm, cooked rice feels makes me feel loved. not just any kind of rice, neither.

it's got to be plain, white rice. and warm. cooked by a chinese woman. who speaks broken english. sorta.

then it has to be eaten indoors, at a private spot - "private spot" - like my office desk. or at home, in my own room, or at the dinner table at my aunt's. away from strangers, i suppose. i hardly eat around strangers and if i did, they'll soon realise that i do not have a tendency to speak at mealtimes and conversations will become stilted*. give me beer with potato wedges though, and you'll have a yakker on your hands, stranger or no.

not that i'm much of a beer drinker, but beer and wedges**... don't say i didn't warn you.

so. rice!

consumed in private = that luvvin' feelin'

(i must've been living by myself for too long.)


* unless with family. then there will be sparing conversation.

** the beer will probably be left virtually untouched, but it makes me happy to have beer right in front of me. it's a quirk that'll probably get me crucified by beer worshippers anywhere.

do's and don'ts

blues

i thought i knew a thing or two about the blues until i chanced upon this website (i was searching for online instruction on singing) - and realise there's more to singing the blues than just singing the blues.

can you believe it, the blues can only be sung if certain conditions are present.

here's one:
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

here's another one:
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brulee.


and the hilarious rest, can be found HERE.

facial

i went for a facial today.

finally! it felt good, the "extraction" (what they call SQUEEZE THINE PIMPLES) wasn't painful but they were effective - lovely. the mask made me feel alive, that one, because it was so cold! the air-conditioning made it even more so, and it was nice. it was almost like being kissed by snowflakes in winter while warmly dressed - or at least that's how i imagined it to be. :)

it was nice. i felt prettier, cleaner... fresher. less ..pocked. not that i was very pocked to start with, but you get my meaning.


it felt like i have now "a new face," to start anew with. yeahhh facials are good. just get it done by a lady if you want it thorough but get it done by a lad if you hope to get some freebie.

i got my freebie. -chuckle-

meh

i am putting together a plan...

to become the person i was and more, not the person i am afraid of becoming. i wonder how that'd work. :)

i'm so excited to see how it goes!

trade

i don't judge. i only speak of what i feel, how i feel about things.

rather, i'm trying hard not to judge and i think i'm succeeding, that's why i can be "not mad". discernment is different from judgement.. and no, i'm not trying to defend myself.

well, read this however you want to, but i'm tired out. i never knew fatigue can feel like this - so natural, a little healing cause somehow i know healing's on the way. i don't know from whom, or what, but i know i will feel better, have reason to be joyous.

those who read my blog and don't understand and think i'm trying to gain sympathy, please leave. even if you're a friend, a close friend. this is the time when i need your understanding most - if you're not going to encourage me, cheer me on - please leave. if you're going to be brusque or are going to be stony in silence, please leave.

i do not wish to alienate, my purpose is simply to recuperate, as quickly as i can. if you're not going to be of help, or want to be of help, then i suggest you go. cause that's not what friends are for.

being unhelpful and tough love - very different things. i hope you can discern which is which.

i don't like being like this, neither. everybody loves a ray of sunshine, but who catches the rain when it falls?


..thank you jasmine, for being unjudgemental about my weakness. i appreciate that, deeply.

addition

lol

no... i didn't stay long enough for the band to turn up. i actually turned tail and ran!

what, a man?? i know i've to have fun but a "brand new" man?? ^^'

there are too many who i don't know what to do with! let it be someone i know what to do with, please. heck, can't i have too many of those i KNOW what to do with, instead of those i just don't know what to do with??

pfft. terms and conditions apply.


(two days later, the blog reads: "ohkay, i eat my words... brand new men - goooode"... LOL)

cafe

today i went to the cafe, after a full day out. apparently the girls thought i'd be he first amongst us to be married, for some reason. i hope it was only because i seemed very in love.

anyways. the cafe owner thought "two months is too long!" - and decided i should stay to listen to the band. haha!

"you have to come out in order to meet the tall dark handsome," she said.


that woman makes me smile :)

my family

my family.. has often been a source of grief.

this time though, i hope it will be different. i hope, and i pray, that my father will come back. "come back".

be my father again. bring us joy again, instead of grief, anger, jealousy.


may The Lord bring us together again. amen.

music

listening to music helps. sometimes it is easier hearing the words i'd say but couldn't find. heh.

classical music, acid jazz, random pop songs and soft rock. having a radio built into one's mobile phone has never been a greater blessing. and i count the blessings in my life.

understanding

dear you,

i understand that i may have caused worry with my previous posts, and ..i'm sorry i caused you worry. maybe you can rest easier now: i have come to an understanding that... well, it takes two to tango. maybe i'll be doing a ballet solo, maybe i'll be dirty dancing.

i don't know.

i do know that whatever it is, i have found the courage to let go, live and let live. i'm scared shitless about having to dance alone; the weight of all that empty space on "stage" can be so frightening. but i also understand that i cannot force an unwilling party to dance.

thus. please be assured that i will continue to dance and not fall dead off the stage. however hard or easy it is, i will continue to dance, and i will make it graceful and joyous, the best ways i know how.

yours sincerely,
me

consolation from the radio

it's only pain, by katie melua

It's only pain
It only hurts
I am only down on the floor
Where I have been before
And I'll be here again
Though it hurts to lose you
It's only pain

We went so far
We flew so high
Now it's not easy
To watch it die
To just let go
And not ask the reason way
It won't matter anymore

It's only pain
It only hurts
I am only down on the floor
Where I have been before
And I'll be here again
Though it hurts to lose you
It's only pain

It's not my style
It's not my way
To see the future
In shades of grey
Though I still can't bring myself to say
That you don't matter anymore

It's only pain
It only hurts
I am only down on the floor
Where I have been before
And I'll be here again
Though it hurts to lose you
It's only pain
It's only pain

bad news

this is bad.

today, today i really really wanted to kill myself. i thought it was only during the pms that i would feel that bad. that was a few days ago.

i think that i might be spiralling out of control. now i know how britney feels, haha.


friends, please forgive me if i were to call you suddenly. i do not want to be like this, i will do my best to not harass anyone. and junwei, while it is true that it is mainly our currently-dysfunctional relationship that contributed to this - if i really do kill myself, please don't think of it as your fault.

you couldn't have helped me if you tried. i know, and i understand.

know that i've thought and still do think of you as my soulmate, that i love you loads.


meanwhile, this is an obstacle that i must cross. i hope to know myself even better after this.

reasons

i said i hate it because i missed your touch.

i miss you, still. i don't know if you still read this, but even if i were talking to thin air i'd still imagine you reading my thoughts, smiling as you read these words from me, telling you that i love you and am thinking of you.

i still cry sometimes, wishing we were the way we were before the army came along.

but then, we know more about each other at this point in time than back then. for that i am glad. while "the newer parts about you" aren't all good (neither are they all bad, for that matter) - i find myself accepting that these are all parts of you.

i know that you have your quirks/issues, i understand. i have mine, too.


i just wish i could hold you again and feel like i were holding you, like you're really here.

i love you darling, i do. with all my heart. because you move me.

frustration

okay, i admit it. i'm frustrated by the fact that you still don't know how to behave around me, despite still loving me!

how is that even possible????


it makes me not know how to behave around you. :((( i hate it.

can't you just love me??

emo wall

poor wall.

Wedding Dance

my wedding dance will be like this!

for a broken-hearted friend

at 4:30pm today

Friend says: back frm e doc
Me says: yah back from some time already
Friend says: wat did e doc say
Me says: nothing
Me says: lol
Me says: well he said soemthing but i was too distracted by his cute looks to actually remember
Me says: LOL
Friend says: diaoz

i feel...

like cheese. so i went and cut myself a sliver of cheese from the little slice of blue cheese i bought a few days ago. yumm :)

i wish there were someone to share it with but given as there is no one else, i'm happy to eat it myself. ^^

charlie

PLEASE BRACE YOURSELVES. you'll see why.

words

dear you,

i know there are times when i am not on my best behaviour; there are times when i didn't know how to better receive what you mean for me, to me. slowly, i see and i realise that. i'm sorry it took me so long.

there are a lot of things that i do not know about that goes on in your life, work and otherwise.

i just want you to know that, if ever you feel like you aren't "good enough", for work, for love, for etc etc etc -


i believe in you.



..i believe in you.

today, as i was walking towards the bus stop from my workplace i had to cross the road, there was this maid who was walking this dog - and they were walking in front of me.

the only thing i could notice was the dog's balls...

this is a person who will drive himself aground.

for you

asian

no, i cannot take "the asian way".

words unspoken are actions not fulfilled. sometimes, just sometimes, words equate action.

beautiful sad rock song

beautiful rock song.

by emiliana torrini. enjoy!

Dog Years

video that made me cry

eeyer

eeyer. so depressing.

change song change song! >_<

listening to music, sitting in my chair

i got back from wherever today, and now i'm sitting here, perched on my wooden chair in front of the computer, listening to bobby darin drawl the song "i'm beginning to see the light".. and i'm missing someone.

here, too is love

and this one, is done by someone who calls herself BD.

this is love.

aye, this is love. written by a pioneer woman.

back

Me says: (20:54:33) if you hadn't been scaring me then i wouldn't be scared
Me says: (20:54:38) like now
Someone says: (20:55:14) :/
Someone says: (20:56:06) okies, have to go for a bit now
Someone says: (20:56:18) ttyl~

-snip-

Me says: (21:39:32) : +
when're you coming back?

The following message could not be delivered:
Me says: (21:39:32) : +
when're you coming back?

chris

me: 你问我会不会怕。不会，因为我已经变成了洋葱：没心，也只会让人哭。
chris: 我知道。
me: 知道了还玩？
me: 你对我好其实只是因为你得不到...　你得到了就不对我好，不要我了。我不想这样。
chris: If this is how you think. I can't say any thing. Right?
me: 可能吧。我很痛，真的很痛。痛到不知道要跟谁说，要说什么。感觉就像被风一吹就吹倒的人。这样的我... 谁敢要？
me: 不好意思，我可能是累了，才说这么多傻话。我睡了；晚安！
chris: 我 lor.
chris: Good night n Sweet dreams.

next morning

chris: feeling better?

...okay, trying to look like the emo-wreck didn't work. -_-

日本の形−茶

this is what elegance looks like.

this is what fear looks like

oh, my, god.

look at this piece of writing, by bobbie johnson! the indignance! the cruel, sparkling wit!

he's lancing someone through with words and all i can think of when i read his entry is that this man is brilliant!

closely followed by i want to have his kids.


brr. wait. i should at least wait till i find out if he's gay.

HARRY POTTER IN THE HOOD with LYRICS

WAAAAHOOOOO!

damn nice. this is what JASMINE the ghetto queen will luuuurve!

conversation

Friend: anyway, it's an old problem... bad habit that i need to kick
Me: hmmm
Me: y'know, sometimes when you aren't the one with the problems
Me: the other person will have the problems. i'm just not sure if your wanting to let go of "baggage" - for lack of a less offensive term - is necessary
Me: cause i think the reason why you're doing this is because your guy's not around and you want attention, like any neglected woman wants attention
Me: and with different guys, there will be different baggages that come up
Me: it's just that sometimes a person is more prone to using the same "defence mechanism" to deal with it
Me: if it's become damaging to the relationship, then okay, have to drop. but that does not mean the source of the issue (his side also) has been resolved.
Me: "resolved"
Me: for this particular one (in your case) i think it might be a chicken and egg
Friend: yeah
Friend: agree
Me: ..does it.. yeah. i was about to ask if it makes sense when i put it like that
Friend: i dont deny that fact that this is chicken n egg prob
Friend: at same time, i believe one party has to initiate willingness for a change..
Friend: mayb this case, i hope i can b strong enough to do that for him
Friend: though i know it's really not easy.. im almost struggling here.. but i guess till now, im still willing to make effort for this change
Me: yeah. i just hope he's appreciative. i too am willing to make the change... but guess what... he didn't want that change.
Friend: ya.. i know.. that's why i didnt even attempt to 'talk' u out of ur decision...
Friend: if he doesnt even want it, n it's not worth it, fighting so hard for both of u.. n fighting it alone..
Me: haha
Me: tough, no?
Friend: tough for wanting to make things better?
Me: actually, yeah.

politely quiet

it would seem that the issue does not just come from me.

read: i'm not crazy! woo!

forced

today, i came home from a day of cross-border running around chasing anwar's shirttails, to remember that hey, i forgot to pay rent - so i went ahead and paid it.

then when the money was being carefully counted then folded by my landlady - like how an obvious trap unfolds in a horror movie because the scene is just too quiet - the house caretaker nonchalantly mentioned "the phone that i'd given ('given') to my maid is very hard to use."

i immediately knew something was up, considering i had intended to throw that phone away personally or burn it because it was 1) faulty and 2) holds digital mementos that will undoubtedly stir up memories.

- the house "care taker" (but the landlord's "buddy")continued, "also, there is the addressbook and other information inside it, you better clear!"

suffice to say, i was not happy. it is obvious that he'd gone through my phonebook, my sms-es, and of course, my photos in the phone. and i'm not being paranoid - this is the person who'd go through a person's BANK BOOK just because he (the previous tenant) accidentally left it behind. the house "care taker".

ahem, let me say that again. the house "care taker".

pui!


so i politely but grimly asked the maid for the phone, raced upstairs with it and deleted, one by painful one, the pictures that i'd taken from more than one year ago.

oh look, that's him before he got his hair shorn, on that island i'd rather not mention.

hey, that's me when i had longer, rebonded hair. how together we looked, how ha... how happy. despite him going into the army that day, we looked happy.


right.

there was no way to "select all" and there certainly was no "delete selected" options in the phone. so ...yes, i was forced.

one.

by.

painful.

one.


...then came the sms-es. i don't know which is worse. seeing us happy together, or reading the three words from very nearly 1 year ago.

"i love you," he wrote, on 13th march, 2007.


"i love you."

"i've decided that you're The One," i'd replied.



it's almost hilarious as i imagine watching myself from a short distance away, right now. i've my face mask on, a quick facial - the mask must have cracked but moisture would've muddied some parts of it. i must look a sight.

yeah, a greenish, cracked-up, muddied sight. almost hilarious.

心

心一被切半，就不叫心了。

只有全心全意，没一心半意，更没有三心两意。被切半的心，就不叫心了。


我的心，没了。

one love, one life

mmm, i think i'll wait.

without his asking, i will wait.


because what we had would have been a waste of time - if i were to let it go like that - especially when i know that he still cares for me. i care for him, too. he's not a bad person... in fact i think he's great. he'll grow up to be a magnificent man, that i know.

but.. meanwhile... i think this is it, world. this is the person i'm going to marry. sure, he's got his bad points and his personality's still forming... but i think we can make it work.

mmm. as for how i know it... it's strange, but i hadn't the heart to give to anyone else. it is not with me. so... as far as suitors and matchmaking goes... ^^'

心不在我这儿。

today, 4pm

i find my thoughts drifting back to him, for some reason. i wanted to sms him, tell him i miss him dearly, that i would want nothing more than to call him tonight, if no more than to hear him speak.

i wanted to tell him that i care for him in my sms, that i wish he were done with NS, that i know how getting through shit can be, but for the sake of knowing more about yourself, to learn more about yourself... to really become a man now, i think it is worth the two years. i wanted to tell him that yes, i see the boy-man in him now, no longer just a boy but more a man now, that the change is really happening, i can see it...

it was all i could do to hold it all in and force my mind down by the throat to concentrate on archiving.


i wanted to call him dear again.

that's a thought that made me sigh, for lack of a more indulgent expression at the given time.

"so what if i called him 'dear'," i argued internally. "he may ignore it like i ignored it, and choose to be polite, like i chose to be polite."

now, on an impulse, i sent him that question. i regretted it the very next moment, fearing a polite but cheerful answer.

well, to continue with my tale from the afternoon... and i didn't sms about those words i had in my mind. i daren't.


i tried to look for a reason as to why i should be feeling that way - could he be in trouble, was he missing me and therefore i by proxy am feeling shoddy? ..no, that's rubbish.

or is there a part of me that's not really "right", like say, i need to pee and i didn't realise it - and i'm therefore irritable/twitchy/whatnot? ...no i just had my loo break and lunch was just an hour ago...

and so i was like that for a while. i know how it can be to be in his position, i really do. i was like that and good heavens, it was all i could do to remember to breathe. it's never a good time to call. call me and you get shot. sms me and you'll get a quick response fired off in literal record time, assuming i have the time to respond, if i were to decide to trade that extra nanosecond's worth of breathing time to respond.


so yes, i do know how it feels and i want to be there for him. the same way he was there for me, i want to be there for him.

he'd endured my short-fused temper (due to serious stress) and he'd endured my boss's nastiness peripherally with me, when i needed him most. i also hurt him the most when he was there for me and i have never forgotten it. i have never forgotten those days when he very simply stayed with me. he was there, there and there again, for me.

i remember those, and i love him for it. and it is my turn, now. because i realise just how similar his situation was with mine, from that last email.

how that last email hurt!


and how it must have hurt him. if i were in position to make it all better, the way he needed it to be better. if i knew how, i would do it.

i would!

email

hm. i was checking and clearing mail when i stumbled onto his most recent email to me.

i honestly did - do - not know what to do with it. :/


delete it? keep it? where?

phonecalls and sms-es

i woke up this morning to a pleasant 5 sms-es, each wishing me happy birthday. it was a lovely way to wake up.. almost like waking up to see a beloved's face sleeping next to mine :)

anyhoos, i've had a Trusted Friend wanting to introduce me to "a hunk". he's christian, had education in noo yawk, and from what i see (if that's him) has a goatee.


-snip-

well, i ended up having dinner with a friend of mine instead, but damn i wish i had the chance to sit in my Trusted Friend's spanking new car! no automobile cherry for me, it seems.

..but well. it was a really nice day, today.

wonder

i wonder though, will i find one whom i will just... love?


junwei was like that for me, until the army, of course.

don't think the fault lies with him, really. it's the fact that i didn't know about his schedules enough to begin with, and as a result, think that he's not trying. the "email of doom" (as he had called one of my previous emails) actually shed a lot of light on the matter, how his schedules are.

he has explained it to me before, i'm sure, but muffled phone conversations and high speed talking makes it very much harder to absorb and retain relevant information. i wish he'd written about this to me earlier, instead of me having to run a pitchfork at him and forcing him to tell me something when he already has.

...of course i didn't really run a pitchfork at him. what do you think i am, a farmer??

having said that though, it felt like i was indeed running at him at that point (see squeezing water from stone remark in previous post). i'm glad it's all stopped now. come to think of it, when things were still "fine" and we're still able to talk and enjoy the talk... why haven't those things been written down and emailed? (oh, right. there was no need. hm.)

'cause one thing i realised about most singaporeans/some malaysians is that they talk quickly. you will understand how quickly they talk when you have to transcribe speeches. another one is that they can (and usually do) begin a sentence about one topic then have change trajectory midway and have it end up not having a concrete conclusion.

this is true even for some government high officials during trade talks - and the best bit is that they're reading from their papers. thankfully junwei stays on the path and his ideas connect... but his talking speed is oh my god bullet train.

hehe


sometimes it's just amusing to imagine him talking to an ah beng peng (ah beng soldier). hahahhahahahha

maybe that's why he uses hand signals and one-word commands. hey, i don't know. maybe they have reached an advanced stage wherein "get me the chicken rice" is being expressed with miming the chicken with a hand after saying in a very macho manner: "rice".

the "get me the" part of the sentence goes unsaid because it's already been established... LOL

...


nahhhhh. he's not like that. hahahahaha

but jokes aside, i think the way he expressed himself with me was fine, before he went to the army. he held me close often, held my hands and kissed me tenderly - that's all i needed to know that he loves me. no words were needed, then. it did get a little stilted when we did chat though. that was what got me concerned.. it is alright when things are fine but when bad things start to happen, the ability and/or willingness to talk things through with the other is crucial.

listening too, is important. listen to the things that are said and as importantly, listen for the things that aren't said. i heard too much from the "unsaid side"...


i still think that there must at least be some form of aural foothold before proper "listening to the unsaid" can happen. otherwise static builds up and funny ideas will generate. or if i were stronger, lock emotional needs kicking and screaming into the closet under the staircase and trust that he loves - loved - me, that will call and/or sms when he can.

knowing myself then, i would have required more.


well, now that that's said and come to pass, i still think it would've been better if he wrote his thoughts down. at least then i would have known and have something to hold on to when he cannot be around.

welp, it's another good day. a few more good days and i'll be back to my cocky, funny and laughing self.