lone

at times like this, when i'm back in my own room to some hours of solitude and quietness, i sit before the computer and start to type. at the end of the day, i start to type.

then i find out how tough it is to do so with false nails. nabeh.


ahem.

well, suffice to say, this is a beautiful period, with tammie. she's a ray of sunshine and she's someone i am growing to love, though she gets the heebie-jeebies when i tell her that in person lol! come to think of it, she's turned up for my ms earth pageant just to support me today at chinatown point, even when she's not involved.

yeah, she's sweet-tempered and smiley. she's assertive in the charming way as well. i've lots to learn from her.

..she is what i look for in a friend, can talk, we can chat, share make-up, clothes, support. with her i feel like she really cares for me, and that makes me want to care for her.

no, not turning lesbian on anyone - i'm too homophobic personally to go anywhere near that. no offense to gays out there, it's just that i personally cannot stomach the idea of me being attracted to another girl "in that way". so yes, rest assured that i'm still very straight, very very normal.

uhm. okay, i'll settle for very straight, since i foresee that quite a few of you will dispute the "normal" tag. heh. bitches. that includes you, osala! hahahaa!

but seriously, if i were ever to have a sister, i'd want that sister to be like her.


well, i guess i feel a little lonesome right now, living alone... though i'm willing to bet that the source of this slight bluesy-wuesy feeling is the actual result of hunger... : P

yeah, been hitting the calculator hard recently with the pageants going on. loving every moment of it, the excitement, the make-up, the limelight, the whole "being beautiful" thing. knowing that i am loved. : )

this limelight, make-up and pageantry's all new to me! rest assured though, i remain very much in tune with who i am, as today's sermon warns: what you have is not yours. you are steward of everything you possess, your smarts, your voice, your ability to walk, run, jump - money, house, heck, even yer dog.

thus.

i know i can sing and i'm going to get groomed. i will ace this, i know. i will be joyous and prosperous and fit in to the very idea of "wildly successful".

i also know that i will still be me when i find riches and fame. i would have grown even more then, and most of it will be good. having said that, i will continue to have that humility with me, because of the foundations that are being set right now, with iglamour. they teach well.

yes, i have come to the right place. yes, yes, yes and yes. praise be to God.

Cockpuncher Steven Segal

ooooh that's gotta hurt!

reason?

my well-meaning maid has washed and ironed my clothes today - and in the process burnt a patch in my white ruffled dress.

i liked that dress. because it was ruffled and in a strangely delectable way, makes me look like i'm wearing a hershey's layer of icing. it also has a good flounce factor when i walk; i almost always feel like the human version of a peacock when i wear that dress. and it's a luxurious cream in colour.

i liked that dress.

in fact, it is the same one i'm wearing in that picture on the right. see how soft it seems to be? well it is.

so... well, there's now a patch of über shiny patch on the left-back-top side of it and i really don't want to risk blinding anyone by walking under the sun and then getting sued for being a partial mirror ball -

no, it's not really that shiny. and no i'm probably not going to wear it unless i cover it up with a jacket, which means it'd defeat the purpose of having ruffles in the first place.

i'm probably not going to wear it again. hum.


reason to go pick up some more stuff? <: +

tired

man... i'm tired out. it's 11:21 and i'm tired, like, bone-tired.

i need sleep. >_<

misinterpretation?

i was just recalling my conversation with someone earlier today - at this illogical hour - that i mentioned "seems like we're drifting further and further apart" when he mentioned he wanted to do his masters and whatnot.

then he said that settling down is not part of his priorities right now. it didn't hit me just then but it's getting me now: does "drifting further and further apart" mean "i want to settle down with you now"? did he take it as a hint from me to "MARRY ME, RIGHT NOW"?

the last time i checked the two were unrelated, even in my odd dictionary. is it a case of male over-sensitivity to commitment? i don't know, but i sure know that i'd been misunderstood. pity i didn't catch that just now.

i know i'd like to have him in my life, but if he's not it then alright. moving on, laughing while at it. marriage - doesn't quite matter whom it's with - not until i'm very much older, please. i feel i need to develop me personality some more; i feel like i hadn't grown fully yet. if i were to get married now it'd probably end up in divorce, and i only want to marry once and stick with that one.

don't mistake me: i like romance. marriage, however, is something different altogether, something i want to be slow about. i still haven't seen the world. i still haven't made my mark. i still want to roam, lead my life, have fun, laugh. i want to be glad to leave my past behind when i get married, that's when i know i've had my fun.

i think marriage's something that happens naturally. like how a seed must sprout when given the right conditions.


and no, no kids.

not yet. not until i'm stable in my own career and can pull my own weight, even after i'm pregnant and/or with kids running about the house. that might translate to what, 35 and above?

lol i don't know.


and there it is again. how i dislike being misunderstood like that. can i be understood nicely, appropriately? i hesitate to call each time that happens. i hesitate to try.

hardness

i think it's hard to love someone you can't talk to.


the end. regrettably.

suddenly

eh. how come suddenly so many bees.

tammie! your luck with the opposite sex is rubbing off on me!

anxious, anxious!

so many things are happening! so many things all at once!

here goes, grace under fire. keeping my grace and wits about me. amen.

..or so i thought

or so i thought the bullet did.

'cause today we went back to playing (ie: me bothering him and him being indulgently tolerant). and it's back to numa-time! >: D

the bullet bites deep

it has hit me. it's finally hit me that he's leaving. it's real, it's sinking in.

>_<

nearing the end of the line

i found out yesterday morning, that my adorable, humourous, humble, likeable boss is leaving singapore for his hometown end of july.

i still cannot believe that he is leaving, strangely. one thing is for sure, is that we're easier around each other, more cheerful, more open. there was a distinct shift in position and perspective and we're taking it all a little easier...

i still cannot believe that he's leaving. maybe it hasn't hit me yet. he's such a great boss, working for him is like playing. every day i've been playing and reading and playing and playing and playing.

..i know that this period for me is incubatory, i just didn't know when it'll end. i had wondered about that during when i first joined the company, when i'll feel better, when this stint will end, when i'll be ready to start another phase of my life - there's got to be a "signal" somewhere and when i thought well, alright - and before i can come to a conclusive thought there the signal is.

end of july. i'll probably stick around till end of august, then i'll move on. that is for the new person taking over fujimoto-san. that is so i know that he will have better footing in singapore, that loose ends will have been tied up already, and he will be able to handle it.

another door with open, probably before then, and the path for me will carry on will be apparent.


...through the years that my boss has worked in singapore, he hadn't quite expected the HQ to be calling him back to japan now. according to him he was a little distraught when he heard the news himself... perhaps it's because he is an untidy person? haha

unfunny jokes aside... i know i'm going to spend the following weeks and days in the office remembering each and every moment, the kind of practical jokes we play on each other, the nonsensical things we try to teach each other... it's a great thing to be here, fujimoto-san.

yeah, i want to tell him that. i want to tell him that it's been a great time spent here with him, that it will be one of the best times i've ever had in my life; i will always - i promise, always - remember it. i have the newspaper cutouts to document the time when i am here, in sankei shimbun. january, and counting. still counting.


i'm sorry he had to leave; i probably won't see him again. i do hope, though, that he will be well, that our paths hopefully may cross another time in our lives.

so i can tell him, hello fujimoto-san, i am back! tadaima! - and grin at him, like i usually do.