mmm, i think i'll wait.
without his asking, i will wait.
because what we had would have been a waste of time - if i were to let it go like that - especially when i know that he still cares for me. i care for him, too. he's not a bad person... in fact i think he's great. he'll grow up to be a magnificent man, that i know.
but.. meanwhile... i think this is it, world. this is the person i'm going to marry. sure, he's got his bad points and his personality's still forming... but i think we can make it work.
mmm. as for how i know it... it's strange, but i hadn't the heart to give to anyone else. it is not with me. so... as far as suitors and matchmaking goes... ^^'
心不在我这儿。
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
today, 4pm
i find my thoughts drifting back to him, for some reason. i wanted to sms him, tell him i miss him dearly, that i would want nothing more than to call him tonight, if no more than to hear him speak.
i wanted to tell him that i care for him in my sms, that i wish he were done with NS, that i know how getting through shit can be, but for the sake of knowing more about yourself, to learn more about yourself... to really become a man now, i think it is worth the two years. i wanted to tell him that yes, i see the boy-man in him now, no longer just a boy but more a man now, that the change is really happening, i can see it...
it was all i could do to hold it all in and force my mind down by the throat to concentrate on archiving.
i wanted to call him dear again.
that's a thought that made me sigh, for lack of a more indulgent expression at the given time.
"so what if i called him 'dear'," i argued internally. "he may ignore it like i ignored it, and choose to be polite, like i chose to be polite."
now, on an impulse, i sent him that question. i regretted it the very next moment, fearing a polite but cheerful answer.
well, to continue with my tale from the afternoon... and i didn't sms about those words i had in my mind. i daren't.
i tried to look for a reason as to why i should be feeling that way - could he be in trouble, was he missing me and therefore i by proxy am feeling shoddy? ..no, that's rubbish.
or is there a part of me that's not really "right", like say, i need to pee and i didn't realise it - and i'm therefore irritable/twitchy/whatnot? ...no i just had my loo break and lunch was just an hour ago...
and so i was like that for a while. i know how it can be to be in his position, i really do. i was like that and good heavens, it was all i could do to remember to breathe. it's never a good time to call. call me and you get shot. sms me and you'll get a quick response fired off in literal record time, assuming i have the time to respond, if i were to decide to trade that extra nanosecond's worth of breathing time to respond.
so yes, i do know how it feels and i want to be there for him. the same way he was there for me, i want to be there for him.
he'd endured my short-fused temper (due to serious stress) and he'd endured my boss's nastiness peripherally with me, when i needed him most. i also hurt him the most when he was there for me and i have never forgotten it. i have never forgotten those days when he very simply stayed with me. he was there, there and there again, for me.
i remember those, and i love him for it. and it is my turn, now. because i realise just how similar his situation was with mine, from that last email.
how that last email hurt!
and how it must have hurt him. if i were in position to make it all better, the way he needed it to be better. if i knew how, i would do it.
i would!
i wanted to tell him that i care for him in my sms, that i wish he were done with NS, that i know how getting through shit can be, but for the sake of knowing more about yourself, to learn more about yourself... to really become a man now, i think it is worth the two years. i wanted to tell him that yes, i see the boy-man in him now, no longer just a boy but more a man now, that the change is really happening, i can see it...
it was all i could do to hold it all in and force my mind down by the throat to concentrate on archiving.
i wanted to call him dear again.
that's a thought that made me sigh, for lack of a more indulgent expression at the given time.
"so what if i called him 'dear'," i argued internally. "he may ignore it like i ignored it, and choose to be polite, like i chose to be polite."
now, on an impulse, i sent him that question. i regretted it the very next moment, fearing a polite but cheerful answer.
well, to continue with my tale from the afternoon... and i didn't sms about those words i had in my mind. i daren't.
i tried to look for a reason as to why i should be feeling that way - could he be in trouble, was he missing me and therefore i by proxy am feeling shoddy? ..no, that's rubbish.
or is there a part of me that's not really "right", like say, i need to pee and i didn't realise it - and i'm therefore irritable/twitchy/whatnot? ...no i just had my loo break and lunch was just an hour ago...
and so i was like that for a while. i know how it can be to be in his position, i really do. i was like that and good heavens, it was all i could do to remember to breathe. it's never a good time to call. call me and you get shot. sms me and you'll get a quick response fired off in literal record time, assuming i have the time to respond, if i were to decide to trade that extra nanosecond's worth of breathing time to respond.
so yes, i do know how it feels and i want to be there for him. the same way he was there for me, i want to be there for him.
he'd endured my short-fused temper (due to serious stress) and he'd endured my boss's nastiness peripherally with me, when i needed him most. i also hurt him the most when he was there for me and i have never forgotten it. i have never forgotten those days when he very simply stayed with me. he was there, there and there again, for me.
i remember those, and i love him for it. and it is my turn, now. because i realise just how similar his situation was with mine, from that last email.
how that last email hurt!
and how it must have hurt him. if i were in position to make it all better, the way he needed it to be better. if i knew how, i would do it.
i would!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
hm. i was checking and clearing mail when i stumbled onto his most recent email to me.
i honestly did - do - not know what to do with it. :/
delete it? keep it? where?
i honestly did - do - not know what to do with it. :/
delete it? keep it? where?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
phonecalls and sms-es
i woke up this morning to a pleasant 5 sms-es, each wishing me happy birthday. it was a lovely way to wake up.. almost like waking up to see a beloved's face sleeping next to mine :)
anyhoos, i've had a Trusted Friend wanting to introduce me to "a hunk". he's christian, had education in noo yawk, and from what i see (if that's him) has a goatee.
-snip-
well, i ended up having dinner with a friend of mine instead, but damn i wish i had the chance to sit in my Trusted Friend's spanking new car! no automobile cherry for me, it seems.
..but well. it was a really nice day, today.
anyhoos, i've had a Trusted Friend wanting to introduce me to "a hunk". he's christian, had education in noo yawk, and from what i see (if that's him) has a goatee.
-snip-
well, i ended up having dinner with a friend of mine instead, but damn i wish i had the chance to sit in my Trusted Friend's spanking new car! no automobile cherry for me, it seems.
..but well. it was a really nice day, today.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
wonder
i wonder though, will i find one whom i will just... love?
junwei was like that for me, until the army, of course.
don't think the fault lies with him, really. it's the fact that i didn't know about his schedules enough to begin with, and as a result, think that he's not trying. the "email of doom" (as he had called one of my previous emails) actually shed a lot of light on the matter, how his schedules are.
he has explained it to me before, i'm sure, but muffled phone conversations and high speed talking makes it very much harder to absorb and retain relevant information. i wish he'd written about this to me earlier, instead of me having to run a pitchfork at him and forcing him to tell me something when he already has.
...of course i didn't really run a pitchfork at him. what do you think i am, a farmer??
having said that though, it felt like i was indeed running at him at that point (see squeezing water from stone remark in previous post). i'm glad it's all stopped now. come to think of it, when things were still "fine" and we're still able to talk and enjoy the talk... why haven't those things been written down and emailed? (oh, right. there was no need. hm.)
'cause one thing i realised about most singaporeans/some malaysians is that they talk quickly. you will understand how quickly they talk when you have to transcribe speeches. another one is that they can (and usually do) begin a sentence about one topic then have change trajectory midway and have it end up not having a concrete conclusion.
this is true even for some government high officials during trade talks - and the best bit is that they're reading from their papers. thankfully junwei stays on the path and his ideas connect... but his talking speed is oh my god bullet train.
hehe
sometimes it's just amusing to imagine him talking to an ah beng peng (ah beng soldier). hahahhahahahha
maybe that's why he uses hand signals and one-word commands. hey, i don't know. maybe they have reached an advanced stage wherein "get me the chicken rice" is being expressed with miming the chicken with a hand after saying in a very macho manner: "rice".
the "get me the" part of the sentence goes unsaid because it's already been established... LOL
...
nahhhhh. he's not like that. hahahahaha
but jokes aside, i think the way he expressed himself with me was fine, before he went to the army. he held me close often, held my hands and kissed me tenderly - that's all i needed to know that he loves me. no words were needed, then. it did get a little stilted when we did chat though. that was what got me concerned.. it is alright when things are fine but when bad things start to happen, the ability and/or willingness to talk things through with the other is crucial.
listening too, is important. listen to the things that are said and as importantly, listen for the things that aren't said. i heard too much from the "unsaid side"...
i still think that there must at least be some form of aural foothold before proper "listening to the unsaid" can happen. otherwise static builds up and funny ideas will generate. or if i were stronger, lock emotional needs kicking and screaming into the closet under the staircase and trust that he loves - loved - me, that will call and/or sms when he can.
knowing myself then, i would have required more.
well, now that that's said and come to pass, i still think it would've been better if he wrote his thoughts down. at least then i would have known and have something to hold on to when he cannot be around.
welp, it's another good day. a few more good days and i'll be back to my cocky, funny and laughing self.
junwei was like that for me, until the army, of course.
don't think the fault lies with him, really. it's the fact that i didn't know about his schedules enough to begin with, and as a result, think that he's not trying. the "email of doom" (as he had called one of my previous emails) actually shed a lot of light on the matter, how his schedules are.
he has explained it to me before, i'm sure, but muffled phone conversations and high speed talking makes it very much harder to absorb and retain relevant information. i wish he'd written about this to me earlier, instead of me having to run a pitchfork at him and forcing him to tell me something when he already has.
...of course i didn't really run a pitchfork at him. what do you think i am, a farmer??
having said that though, it felt like i was indeed running at him at that point (see squeezing water from stone remark in previous post). i'm glad it's all stopped now. come to think of it, when things were still "fine" and we're still able to talk and enjoy the talk... why haven't those things been written down and emailed? (oh, right. there was no need. hm.)
'cause one thing i realised about most singaporeans/some malaysians is that they talk quickly. you will understand how quickly they talk when you have to transcribe speeches. another one is that they can (and usually do) begin a sentence about one topic then have change trajectory midway and have it end up not having a concrete conclusion.
this is true even for some government high officials during trade talks - and the best bit is that they're reading from their papers. thankfully junwei stays on the path and his ideas connect... but his talking speed is oh my god bullet train.
hehe
sometimes it's just amusing to imagine him talking to an ah beng peng (ah beng soldier). hahahhahahahha
maybe that's why he uses hand signals and one-word commands. hey, i don't know. maybe they have reached an advanced stage wherein "get me the chicken rice" is being expressed with miming the chicken with a hand after saying in a very macho manner: "rice".
the "get me the" part of the sentence goes unsaid because it's already been established... LOL
...
nahhhhh. he's not like that. hahahahaha
but jokes aside, i think the way he expressed himself with me was fine, before he went to the army. he held me close often, held my hands and kissed me tenderly - that's all i needed to know that he loves me. no words were needed, then. it did get a little stilted when we did chat though. that was what got me concerned.. it is alright when things are fine but when bad things start to happen, the ability and/or willingness to talk things through with the other is crucial.
listening too, is important. listen to the things that are said and as importantly, listen for the things that aren't said. i heard too much from the "unsaid side"...
i still think that there must at least be some form of aural foothold before proper "listening to the unsaid" can happen. otherwise static builds up and funny ideas will generate. or if i were stronger, lock emotional needs kicking and screaming into the closet under the staircase and trust that he loves - loved - me, that will call and/or sms when he can.
knowing myself then, i would have required more.
well, now that that's said and come to pass, i still think it would've been better if he wrote his thoughts down. at least then i would have known and have something to hold on to when he cannot be around.
welp, it's another good day. a few more good days and i'll be back to my cocky, funny and laughing self.
taking stock
hmm, now that i'm finally free, what have i learnt from it all?
1) that i am capable of loving someone.
2) that i am a bitch when i don't see enough of someone, which probably pushes them farther away.
3) that i am capable of forgiving, remembering most of the good memories and not much of the bad ones.
4) that i am resilient.
5) that my core being is a love-able person, and am very worthy of love.
6) be gracious and accept his expressions of love. if he expresses, he expresses. if he doesn't, don't press it.
7) singaporean/malaysian men are equivalents of The Batu (malay word) when it comes to verbal expressions: you'll have to squeeze water out of them before they'll speak. and then it'll be a grouchy one about how you've been squeezing them.
hmm. if you're together with a man who is not good at expressing but found out too late, well. it's a little bit like having a husband who really snores, i suppose. the only way to get over it is to love him.
1) that i am capable of loving someone.
2) that i am a bitch when i don't see enough of someone, which probably pushes them farther away.
3) that i am capable of forgiving, remembering most of the good memories and not much of the bad ones.
4) that i am resilient.
5) that my core being is a love-able person, and am very worthy of love.
6) be gracious and accept his expressions of love. if he expresses, he expresses. if he doesn't, don't press it.
7) singaporean/malaysian men are equivalents of The Batu (malay word) when it comes to verbal expressions: you'll have to squeeze water out of them before they'll speak. and then it'll be a grouchy one about how you've been squeezing them.
hmm. if you're together with a man who is not good at expressing but found out too late, well. it's a little bit like having a husband who really snores, i suppose. the only way to get over it is to love him.
whim
right, i'd changed the site address from emolystuffed to emolyspeaking. i think the latter is more palatable, less negative and more objective.
:) no closing of blogs. love will continue to be a wonderful thing!
:) no closing of blogs. love will continue to be a wonderful thing!
morning after
i thought i'd be devastated today, but no leh? hmm. very strange, but very fortunate.
odd thing was the tears were running like the tap just before i checked my mail and read the email - but i didn't know what i was crying for at the time. i felt fine emotionally, but my eyes for some reason were trying to simulate the great ganges river.
it's a little ironic how this is one of the rare times that he responded in a longer email that allowed me better, more complete understanding of his schedule and life in the army.
anyway, i felt fine after i felt "the knife" and ..i feel fine now.
-big smile-
odd thing was the tears were running like the tap just before i checked my mail and read the email - but i didn't know what i was crying for at the time. i felt fine emotionally, but my eyes for some reason were trying to simulate the great ganges river.
it's a little ironic how this is one of the rare times that he responded in a longer email that allowed me better, more complete understanding of his schedule and life in the army.
anyway, i felt fine after i felt "the knife" and ..i feel fine now.
-big smile-
time for bed
okay, time for bed.
i just read the email, felt the knife twist and having it pulled out. it is complete.
i just read the email, felt the knife twist and having it pulled out. it is complete.
says my invisible angel 2
you're everyone's loren but nobody's pei. but that's alright, right?
you know who you are, and that's all there is to it. you'll be your own pei, eh?
hush, now. it's alright. it's going to be alright. chin up now, deep breath. it's going to be alright, i promise. it's going to be alright.
you know who you are, and that's all there is to it. you'll be your own pei, eh?
hush, now. it's alright. it's going to be alright. chin up now, deep breath. it's going to be alright, i promise. it's going to be alright.
says my invisible angel
nah, happiness isn't hard.
in fact, it's easy. just do like i do, pei; hold my hands and learn to fly, again.
here, you're doing great. now, again.
in fact, it's easy. just do like i do, pei; hold my hands and learn to fly, again.
here, you're doing great. now, again.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
a little bit of love
There are people who have no trouble
In expressing what they feel
For me it's never been that bad
It's just the way I've always been
I often try to tell my friends
‘Bout the effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near
My heart is weak
It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy
You have in your hands, my light of love
And in your eyes, all that I've missed
What more could I expect from life
Than your loving and tender kiss
And they can talk about paradise
And all the dreams that are to be
I laugh and doubt it could compare
To the effect you have on me
There are no words, no reasons why
The tears that sometimes fill my eyes
They're only tears of happiness
It's only fear of losing you
I often try to tell my friends
‘bout this effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near my heart is weak
It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy
Only your voice can bring me peace
Only your touch can bring me joy
What more should I expect from this life
When so many people
Still search for love
I know I never will explain
This effect you have on me
But if I have on you the same
We'll be in love
Eternally
In expressing what they feel
For me it's never been that bad
It's just the way I've always been
I often try to tell my friends
‘Bout the effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near
My heart is weak
It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy
You have in your hands, my light of love
And in your eyes, all that I've missed
What more could I expect from life
Than your loving and tender kiss
And they can talk about paradise
And all the dreams that are to be
I laugh and doubt it could compare
To the effect you have on me
There are no words, no reasons why
The tears that sometimes fill my eyes
They're only tears of happiness
It's only fear of losing you
I often try to tell my friends
‘bout this effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near my heart is weak
It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy
Only your voice can bring me peace
Only your touch can bring me joy
What more should I expect from this life
When so many people
Still search for love
I know I never will explain
This effect you have on me
But if I have on you the same
We'll be in love
Eternally
happy
y'know, i just want to be happy. i just want to feel loved, have a friend i can buy things for, go out with, take catnaps with and sometimes have a "cute" lil tiffs with.
meanwhile, though, i just want to be happy. that's not hard, is it?
meanwhile, though, i just want to be happy. that's not hard, is it?
blamed?
i am writing this because i do not understand something, not because i'm upset or happy or... hey, maybe the answer will come to me as i write.
i don't understand why he feels blamed. :/
he said i made it hard for him to love me. because of my sms-es and how i'm always complaining about him each time he calls.
these are how they sounded to me when i heard them: emotionless, pointed. i said my defense as i usually do, albeit more lembek than usual - maybe that's what he wanted: someone who expresses herself in a more half-hearted kinda way.
the reason why i say this is because he actually talked to me during our conversation, or, i don't know. maybe he felt forced... he is brusque when talking to me these days... it does make talking to him harder. i feel like i've to fight him instead of the issues i am calling to fight with him about, hand-in-hand, to solve. talking softly with him probably went out the window and what remained was probably the option of talking to him.
being brushed off at the end of the conversations with "i'm in public/with company right now, bye" is becoming more and more common, too... and today i hear that i make it hard for him to love me... i honestly would've been devastated.
do you know that it's hard for me too, dealing with the issues at large by myself and not daring to be sure of how to start (on the phone) with him? even when i know i just want to call and say more than hi? the best i can be is to sound confident, like i've my shit together.
and i don't call him if i can help it, given that there are quite a few considerations i have to go through before i even pick up the phone. if you think about it, it's almost like i were buying a new computer the way i weigh the pros and cons...
why is it so complicated? it is a simple call. it's either you call or you do not, right?
well, actually no. it's not that simple.
here are some of the questions i go through.
1) can i handle it? (no, next question. yes means i don't call)
2) what time is it? is it suitable? (yes, next question. no means i bite a hanky but i don't call... though the ironic thing is that i don't know if it's a suitable time at any given time.)
3) could he be in the middle of something, in front of his recruits where he shouldn't use his phone, outfield where i can't get him anyway..?
4) is he having lunch/dinner because he usually gets stalled and makan-time as a result gets encroached upon. it's usually precious and i don't want him to have indigestion... believe it or not, i deeply appreciated the two times when he skipped dinner to slip a call to me. "the sacrifices i make," he'd say. haha
5) ...does he just have "company"..?
so basically what i've got on my hands is "call if you want to get him into trouble/encroach on his already-limited free time", or "press this button, he dies if he's unlucky". yah, it's a bit like playing russian roulette.
as a result i don't call more often than i do, because it doesn't get pass them questions. true enough, i find out today that hey, i nearly got him into trouble calling him two days ago. it's a bit tragic really, that a call is suddenly more complicated than writing a letter.
i therefore didn't quite know whether to laugh or cry when he said to me, "why didn't you just call?" when i told him i didn't know what to do when i was missing him very much and shit happened during our conversation earlier today...
well, if i were to call without first going through the list, it usually means i'm at the part where the label reads "i can't help it anymore" (ie spilt out of my threshold). i'm almost always upset and/or in tears at that point in time; so i call because i know - i just know - that he can make it better... because he is gentle in manner and most of all he loved me despite me being the imperfect, weak person that i am... to have him feel like i'm dumping emo-thrash on him.
...yeah. how that reads is exactly how it felt when i heard it (not in those words, of course. he's too [i don't have the word for it] for that).
i'm wincing now that i think about it...heh. has it always been like that for him? i hurt him when i needed him? what have i been doing to him? was i helping him while i hurt or wasn't i helping him while i hurt? maybe i could've held out a little bit longer, another hour. the trouble might have passed, then. and it would have been well on his side.
...his gentleness... calms my anger. he is the water to my fire, but the water ran out and the fire got away.
anyway. that's what i did, yesterday. but i couldn't hold it in any longer in the office and i had cried, oh my god cried, in front of my alarmed boss. i assured him profusely through choked tears that it was alright, i'm fine, no it's not his fault and i'm okay, really.
still, it would've been heartbreaking to know that whatever i say incites and/or insinuates blame. do i indeed not know how to choose my words? did i really call to only piss him off, which is to say - i deserve all this? does he hear/see what i'm not saying, or why i'm like this? or is it guilt that makes it so very sharp against the ear? i know for a fact guilt played a large part for the last significant relationship.
is - was - everything i said an accusation, implied or otherwise? if it were then.. even when pouring out my woes to him, sobbing like my insides would tear, crying... probably sounded like a blame. hell, i don't know.
i only hope that "i miss you very, very much" didn't sound like an accusation too.
where could it have stemmed from, then? could it be that i do not know contentment or how to just be happy so he can be happy so i will be happy because he's happy that i'm happy? you know, like "the reason the sun shines", a story i made up (the sun shines not for any particular reason itself, but because it makes the happy flowers bloom. but the happy flowers didn't bloom when the sun didn't shine and the sun had no reason to shine when the flowers couldn't bloom - the earth was thus bare, till the sun decided to shine again).
could it be freudian?
...i wish i could do a -smile- here without having it sound so contrived.
maybe the only way to not sound accusatory is to ask questions and as a consequence, sound unsure.
haha then the situation will probably become "pei, you're so insecure..."
i know, because that's what i did when we first started out, and that was just what he said... "pei, you're so insecure..."
i don't understand why he feels blamed. :/
he said i made it hard for him to love me. because of my sms-es and how i'm always complaining about him each time he calls.
these are how they sounded to me when i heard them: emotionless, pointed. i said my defense as i usually do, albeit more lembek than usual - maybe that's what he wanted: someone who expresses herself in a more half-hearted kinda way.
the reason why i say this is because he actually talked to me during our conversation, or, i don't know. maybe he felt forced... he is brusque when talking to me these days... it does make talking to him harder. i feel like i've to fight him instead of the issues i am calling to fight with him about, hand-in-hand, to solve. talking softly with him probably went out the window and what remained was probably the option of talking to him.
being brushed off at the end of the conversations with "i'm in public/with company right now, bye" is becoming more and more common, too... and today i hear that i make it hard for him to love me... i honestly would've been devastated.
do you know that it's hard for me too, dealing with the issues at large by myself and not daring to be sure of how to start (on the phone) with him? even when i know i just want to call and say more than hi? the best i can be is to sound confident, like i've my shit together.
and i don't call him if i can help it, given that there are quite a few considerations i have to go through before i even pick up the phone. if you think about it, it's almost like i were buying a new computer the way i weigh the pros and cons...
why is it so complicated? it is a simple call. it's either you call or you do not, right?
well, actually no. it's not that simple.
here are some of the questions i go through.
1) can i handle it? (no, next question. yes means i don't call)
2) what time is it? is it suitable? (yes, next question. no means i bite a hanky but i don't call... though the ironic thing is that i don't know if it's a suitable time at any given time.)
3) could he be in the middle of something, in front of his recruits where he shouldn't use his phone, outfield where i can't get him anyway..?
4) is he having lunch/dinner because he usually gets stalled and makan-time as a result gets encroached upon. it's usually precious and i don't want him to have indigestion... believe it or not, i deeply appreciated the two times when he skipped dinner to slip a call to me. "the sacrifices i make," he'd say. haha
5) ...does he just have "company"..?
so basically what i've got on my hands is "call if you want to get him into trouble/encroach on his already-limited free time", or "press this button, he dies if he's unlucky". yah, it's a bit like playing russian roulette.
as a result i don't call more often than i do, because it doesn't get pass them questions. true enough, i find out today that hey, i nearly got him into trouble calling him two days ago. it's a bit tragic really, that a call is suddenly more complicated than writing a letter.
i therefore didn't quite know whether to laugh or cry when he said to me, "why didn't you just call?" when i told him i didn't know what to do when i was missing him very much and shit happened during our conversation earlier today...
well, if i were to call without first going through the list, it usually means i'm at the part where the label reads "i can't help it anymore" (ie spilt out of my threshold). i'm almost always upset and/or in tears at that point in time; so i call because i know - i just know - that he can make it better... because he is gentle in manner and most of all he loved me despite me being the imperfect, weak person that i am... to have him feel like i'm dumping emo-thrash on him.
...yeah. how that reads is exactly how it felt when i heard it (not in those words, of course. he's too [i don't have the word for it] for that).
i'm wincing now that i think about it...heh. has it always been like that for him? i hurt him when i needed him? what have i been doing to him? was i helping him while i hurt or wasn't i helping him while i hurt? maybe i could've held out a little bit longer, another hour. the trouble might have passed, then. and it would have been well on his side.
...his gentleness... calms my anger. he is the water to my fire, but the water ran out and the fire got away.
anyway. that's what i did, yesterday. but i couldn't hold it in any longer in the office and i had cried, oh my god cried, in front of my alarmed boss. i assured him profusely through choked tears that it was alright, i'm fine, no it's not his fault and i'm okay, really.
still, it would've been heartbreaking to know that whatever i say incites and/or insinuates blame. do i indeed not know how to choose my words? did i really call to only piss him off, which is to say - i deserve all this? does he hear/see what i'm not saying, or why i'm like this? or is it guilt that makes it so very sharp against the ear? i know for a fact guilt played a large part for the last significant relationship.
is - was - everything i said an accusation, implied or otherwise? if it were then.. even when pouring out my woes to him, sobbing like my insides would tear, crying... probably sounded like a blame. hell, i don't know.
i only hope that "i miss you very, very much" didn't sound like an accusation too.
where could it have stemmed from, then? could it be that i do not know contentment or how to just be happy so he can be happy so i will be happy because he's happy that i'm happy? you know, like "the reason the sun shines", a story i made up (the sun shines not for any particular reason itself, but because it makes the happy flowers bloom. but the happy flowers didn't bloom when the sun didn't shine and the sun had no reason to shine when the flowers couldn't bloom - the earth was thus bare, till the sun decided to shine again).
could it be freudian?
...i wish i could do a -smile- here without having it sound so contrived.
maybe the only way to not sound accusatory is to ask questions and as a consequence, sound unsure.
haha then the situation will probably become "pei, you're so insecure..."
i know, because that's what i did when we first started out, and that was just what he said... "pei, you're so insecure..."
guts
what i did today took me a great deal of guts. and now i feel like i've been punched - hard - in the stomach.
"my name is jane jones."
"my name is jane jones."
only defense
my only defense against his "not good with words" then leaving it to silence and seemingly having forgotten about the conversation we've had just the night before - is to ignore it.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Leaving on a Jet Plane - John Denver
All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
[Guitar Solo]
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
[Guitar Solo]
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Sunday, February 17, 2008
what?
what?
er. i like the doctor best. because he's smart, and he loves and loves hard - but most of all it's the way he fought for his happiness.
isn't that admirably single-minded?
er. i like the doctor best. because he's smart, and he loves and loves hard - but most of all it's the way he fought for his happiness.
isn't that admirably single-minded?
closer
CLOSER is a play written by Patrick Marber that was made into a film of the same name in 2004 - i'd chanced upon it when we saw it on tv, at jas's. also one of a certain ms tan's favoured films.
the show offers simple, concise dialogue; the sets are decidedly "play-like"; handling of timeline is brilliant (also very play-like) - though some do not like it in films. the cast was well-chosen, with jude law playing ..what he plays best, nat portman, like julia roberts, offer stellar performances while not losing none of the original feel of it being a play. so did clive owens, for that matter: he made a very believable doctor-cum-"nemesis" caught in this kind of situation.
wikipedia said the movie is about betrayals, instant attractions, what-not - but i think it is about chance encounters, decisions to fall or not fall in love, not really understanding what - who - you have in your hands right now and having to climb mountains and swim seas to finally learn that what you had was the best thing you could ever be blessed with. all of these - portrayed in stingingly ironic plain-ness.
this film will leave a bitter-sweet taste in your mouth and have you reminisce past loves ... it will give you reason to smile (or cry, depending on which character you most identify with and at what stage in love and/or life you are at right now).
i strongly recommend it to people who are emotionally stable and at peace, cause otherwise, this will more than make you cry.
(film HERE)
the show offers simple, concise dialogue; the sets are decidedly "play-like"; handling of timeline is brilliant (also very play-like) - though some do not like it in films. the cast was well-chosen, with jude law playing ..what he plays best, nat portman, like julia roberts, offer stellar performances while not losing none of the original feel of it being a play. so did clive owens, for that matter: he made a very believable doctor-cum-"nemesis" caught in this kind of situation.
wikipedia said the movie is about betrayals, instant attractions, what-not - but i think it is about chance encounters, decisions to fall or not fall in love, not really understanding what - who - you have in your hands right now and having to climb mountains and swim seas to finally learn that what you had was the best thing you could ever be blessed with. all of these - portrayed in stingingly ironic plain-ness.
this film will leave a bitter-sweet taste in your mouth and have you reminisce past loves ... it will give you reason to smile (or cry, depending on which character you most identify with and at what stage in love and/or life you are at right now).
i strongly recommend it to people who are emotionally stable and at peace, cause otherwise, this will more than make you cry.
(film HERE)
4 a.m.
Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright
But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you wouldn't change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)
Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright
But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you wouldn't change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)
popped thoughts
i should've noticed it. "single" was spelt "snigle" in my previous post - and i hadn't noticed.
it might've been a sign, but a day after proclaiming singlehood's fantastic and wonderful i'm back at home, struck suddenly by heartache and a clawing need to know if he's thought of me, if his thoughts drift back to me the way mine do him.
well well well. what do you know - eating my words just one day later, humbled by a keen understanding of the fact that i still love him.
it might've been a sign, but a day after proclaiming singlehood's fantastic and wonderful i'm back at home, struck suddenly by heartache and a clawing need to know if he's thought of me, if his thoughts drift back to me the way mine do him.
well well well. what do you know - eating my words just one day later, humbled by a keen understanding of the fact that i still love him.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
snigle
and then there's the thing at jasmi's tomorrow... yay more eye-candy.
singlehood's fun!
i love you baby, but you didn't know what a great thing you have. too bad.
singlehood's fun!
i love you baby, but you didn't know what a great thing you have. too bad.
valentine's - decoded
well, i was supposed to meet a friend up on 13th feb but is turned out that he was down with the flu, so he postponed it to the 14th. which happened to be valentine's day.
and he's cooking.
he's not a very good cook, but the food was passable when i ate it and we had a very yummy bottle of white wine and i even managed to catch a glimpse of the train through the leaves at night. suffice to say, it was wonderful, albeit unintentional. anyhoos: the night was fine, the atmosphere friendly and nowhere near "i like you you like me" - it was very easy and i enjoyed it thoroughly. perfect valentine's evening, honestly. i loved his place: very rustic, very natural and most of all, very peaceful, quiet and very, very "village". (if i can say that in a french way i would. vill-ar-che. there.)
so that was a nice valentine's... and then there's friday, which is today. i met up with the friday gang and we had drinks at harry's - (met up with my primary schoolmate whom i hadn't seen for "a dozen years" and omigosh how she's blossomed!) - and it was great. we had drinks, then we gatecrashed some event and got invited to indochine by the owner micheal ma his good self.
i personally find him (micheal ma) very charming without being overtly so, and he cuts a naturally impressive figure. he definitely looks like someone i'll tip my hat at when i see him at social situations.
aaaanyhoos, we had a hoot and a holler there, it was great. and my prayers went answered: i wanted a nice time and that someone send me home.
all was fulfilled, through His gracious love. THANK YOU, LORD!
Your Name i eternally praise! THANK You, for the wonderful evening, for the great valentine's day, the lifting me up after my breakup and keeping me soaring on a high note, and the wonderful times to come. thank YOU, O Lord, for Your great love.
i love You, too. Lord Jesus' Name i praise. Amen.
and he's cooking.
he's not a very good cook, but the food was passable when i ate it and we had a very yummy bottle of white wine and i even managed to catch a glimpse of the train through the leaves at night. suffice to say, it was wonderful, albeit unintentional. anyhoos: the night was fine, the atmosphere friendly and nowhere near "i like you you like me" - it was very easy and i enjoyed it thoroughly. perfect valentine's evening, honestly. i loved his place: very rustic, very natural and most of all, very peaceful, quiet and very, very "village". (if i can say that in a french way i would. vill-ar-che. there.)
so that was a nice valentine's... and then there's friday, which is today. i met up with the friday gang and we had drinks at harry's - (met up with my primary schoolmate whom i hadn't seen for "a dozen years" and omigosh how she's blossomed!) - and it was great. we had drinks, then we gatecrashed some event and got invited to indochine by the owner micheal ma his good self.
i personally find him (micheal ma) very charming without being overtly so, and he cuts a naturally impressive figure. he definitely looks like someone i'll tip my hat at when i see him at social situations.
aaaanyhoos, we had a hoot and a holler there, it was great. and my prayers went answered: i wanted a nice time and that someone send me home.
all was fulfilled, through His gracious love. THANK YOU, LORD!
Your Name i eternally praise! THANK You, for the wonderful evening, for the great valentine's day, the lifting me up after my breakup and keeping me soaring on a high note, and the wonderful times to come. thank YOU, O Lord, for Your great love.
i love You, too. Lord Jesus' Name i praise. Amen.
Friday, February 15, 2008
valentine's.
i had a great valentine's. with wine, he cooked me something and ...i caught glimpses of a train amongst leaves in the night.
it was magical.
it was a fantastic valentine's, despite us being unintentionally having a meal together on a day lovers commemorate. it was nice.
it was magical.
it was a fantastic valentine's, despite us being unintentionally having a meal together on a day lovers commemorate. it was nice.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
friends
well, friends are we or... are we?
i wish he were a little more forthcoming. how do we be friends otherwise?
i wish he were a little more forthcoming. how do we be friends otherwise?
meep
i don't understand why i'd been this tired lately... might be that i need to turn in earlier. well, whatever it is, i'm glad that my investment wheels are being put in place to turn. so that's very good! >: D
i called him last night, just to see how he was and he sounded upbeat, which is a good thing. but he said it's been a rollercoaster ride and he got into big trouble.
refused to tell me what, though he said it was over "something silly".
did he get it because he was checking my blog? that is something silly. silly but endearing to a person hoping against quasi-inborn realism, at least.
.....then again, he might've gotten into trouble because of something else. i'm not "important" anymore, so to speak. why'd he get into trouble because of me? least of all checking my blog.
..i'm too naive.
i called him last night, just to see how he was and he sounded upbeat, which is a good thing. but he said it's been a rollercoaster ride and he got into big trouble.
refused to tell me what, though he said it was over "something silly".
did he get it because he was checking my blog? that is something silly. silly but endearing to a person hoping against quasi-inborn realism, at least.
.....then again, he might've gotten into trouble because of something else. i'm not "important" anymore, so to speak. why'd he get into trouble because of me? least of all checking my blog.
..i'm too naive.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
correction
in my previous post i had said something like he never was around to fight off suitors - i have to amend that.
he was around - he just didn't do anything about the suitors.
to his credit though - he did not have to do much pre-army: i felt naturally safe and secure in his love and affections.. nobody could've broken through to me even if they tried with a battering ram.
..why'm i reminiscing? it'll only cause additional distress. stop.
he was around - he just didn't do anything about the suitors.
to his credit though - he did not have to do much pre-army: i felt naturally safe and secure in his love and affections.. nobody could've broken through to me even if they tried with a battering ram.
..why'm i reminiscing? it'll only cause additional distress. stop.
Monday, February 11, 2008
air-conditioned chill
today, i found some comfort in the office's air-conditioned chill. it gave me something to anchor myself with, to the present - instead of being washed away by unbridled memories and thoughts.
...this morning i did something very brave. i made him feel better. through cheeky sentiments expressed via sms in response to his initial note, i know i made him feel better. i hope that's good for him to cope... on my end, i'll have to be content that i'm probably the one doing the thinking for the both of us, and i'll have to find my own champions - imaginary or otherwise - to fight my wars.
he is no longer "available" to help me fob off suitors... then again, he never was.
i've been alone before, it was easy. it will not get hard now. thus begins the walk to recovery: "hutt hutt hutt hutt hutt!"
...this morning i did something very brave. i made him feel better. through cheeky sentiments expressed via sms in response to his initial note, i know i made him feel better. i hope that's good for him to cope... on my end, i'll have to be content that i'm probably the one doing the thinking for the both of us, and i'll have to find my own champions - imaginary or otherwise - to fight my wars.
he is no longer "available" to help me fob off suitors... then again, he never was.
i've been alone before, it was easy. it will not get hard now. thus begins the walk to recovery: "hutt hutt hutt hutt hutt!"
Sunday, February 10, 2008
refusal
no, i refuse to think about what went wrong and no, i refuse to think about what was right. it's gone now.
i refuse to think about it.
i refuse to think about it.
holland v
i was out at holland v after heading to eunos for lunch right, and as i was getting out of the car i saw a young man piggy-backing his girlfriend through the carpark... and i realise, that it does not quite matter where you are to feel the heartache.
sure, being confined in the army can be a bummer, considering you do not have privacy most of the time, but you're being kept busy and you're probably too busy to do anything more than whatever it is at hand. being "outside" has its merits and demerits as well... like seeing the things i see. imagine valentine's day, hey. i'll probably have to blind myself and walk with a cane to and from work, keep the radio off and go nowhere near newpaper, which is going to be full of sappy declarations of love.
if i don't blind myself then i must walk quickly, and look nobody - nobody - in the eye. maybe do what jasmi does when i do see couples - "receding hairline!"
sure, being confined in the army can be a bummer, considering you do not have privacy most of the time, but you're being kept busy and you're probably too busy to do anything more than whatever it is at hand. being "outside" has its merits and demerits as well... like seeing the things i see. imagine valentine's day, hey. i'll probably have to blind myself and walk with a cane to and from work, keep the radio off and go nowhere near newpaper, which is going to be full of sappy declarations of love.
if i don't blind myself then i must walk quickly, and look nobody - nobody - in the eye. maybe do what jasmi does when i do see couples - "receding hairline!"
blessed
blessed, very blessed i am, to have friends.
thank you,O Lord, for your blessings upon me. thank you for providing me with everything, from core friends (jasmi, jenn, su), eye-candy to take my mind off things, a friend to stay with to keep the silence of my own home at bay, a friend to take me to eat with when i absolutely have no idea where to go for food.
thank you, O Lord Jesus. YOU are the mighty saviour. you're my mighty saviour... and Lord, if You would, Sir, please help save my love from drowning as well.
we may be mere friends now, but i love him, and i beg that You, through your gracious love for me, grant him relief, calmness of the heart and peace. let him know that everything will be alright. please, Lord, take his heartaches from him and grant him peace.
in Lord Jesus' beloved, beloved Name i pray. Amen.
thank you,O Lord, for your blessings upon me. thank you for providing me with everything, from core friends (jasmi, jenn, su), eye-candy to take my mind off things, a friend to stay with to keep the silence of my own home at bay, a friend to take me to eat with when i absolutely have no idea where to go for food.
thank you, O Lord Jesus. YOU are the mighty saviour. you're my mighty saviour... and Lord, if You would, Sir, please help save my love from drowning as well.
we may be mere friends now, but i love him, and i beg that You, through your gracious love for me, grant him relief, calmness of the heart and peace. let him know that everything will be alright. please, Lord, take his heartaches from him and grant him peace.
in Lord Jesus' beloved, beloved Name i pray. Amen.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
hope
i'd picked up a book that his mother had passed to me on a whim - and flipped to the page that says
that is the right way to go.
y'know, i think i'm a treasure. i think i'm made, perfect, for that person in mind. my backgrounds, my strengths and weaknesses, are all meant to complement that person and help that person grow. the very same way he is meant for me.
i will be happy. it might not be now, but i will be happy, once this hurt is over.
i will be happy again.
meanwhile though, i think that my picking that book up is no coincidence. i shall read it.
"To be successful you need to learn to overcome your fear of being rejected and to stop worrying about what other people will say about you."
that is the right way to go.
y'know, i think i'm a treasure. i think i'm made, perfect, for that person in mind. my backgrounds, my strengths and weaknesses, are all meant to complement that person and help that person grow. the very same way he is meant for me.
i will be happy. it might not be now, but i will be happy, once this hurt is over.
i will be happy again.
meanwhile though, i think that my picking that book up is no coincidence. i shall read it.
no idea
i have no idea how not calling someone takes this much effort.
i also have no idea how disappointing it is to receive an sms to realise it's from "someone else".
i try to catch some shut-eye: turned on the aircon, left the radio on and tried to sleep. the only things i ended up doing was look around my room without really seeing anything and checking my phone, knowing full well that he hasn't sent word.
i wonder what he's doing now, how he is.
is he well?
i also have no idea how disappointing it is to receive an sms to realise it's from "someone else".
i try to catch some shut-eye: turned on the aircon, left the radio on and tried to sleep. the only things i ended up doing was look around my room without really seeing anything and checking my phone, knowing full well that he hasn't sent word.
i wonder what he's doing now, how he is.
is he well?
conversation 2
Guy Friend B: oi
Me: yeah?
Guy Friend B: happy near year
Me: haha happy NEW year
Guy Friend B: ok.
Guy Friend B: spelling nazi
Me: i see!
Guy Friend B: how are you?
Me: i'm alright.
Me: a lil ragged 'round the edges,
Me: but still intact
Me: -smile-
Guy Friend B: from what?
Me: thank you for asking.
Me: i broke up
Me: heartbreak never gets easier
-snip-
Guy Friend B: i suggest going out and getting laid
Me: lol
Me: i'm not that kind of person [name removed]
Guy Friend B: you think i am joking
Me: i might be heart-broken but that does not mean i've gotten dumb
Me: men and women work very differently
Me: ..and he does not deserve his love to be defiled that way
Guy Friend B: ok... sit at home and listen to sad songs and write poetyry...
Me: lol
Me: sad songs?
Me: please.
i hadn't told him about the poetry part...
Me: yeah?
Guy Friend B: happy near year
Me: haha happy NEW year
Guy Friend B: ok.
Guy Friend B: spelling nazi
Me: i see!
Guy Friend B: how are you?
Me: i'm alright.
Me: a lil ragged 'round the edges,
Me: but still intact
Me: -smile-
Guy Friend B: from what?
Me: thank you for asking.
Me: i broke up
Me: heartbreak never gets easier
-snip-
Guy Friend B: i suggest going out and getting laid
Me: lol
Me: i'm not that kind of person [name removed]
Guy Friend B: you think i am joking
Me: i might be heart-broken but that does not mean i've gotten dumb
Me: men and women work very differently
Me: ..and he does not deserve his love to be defiled that way
Guy Friend B: ok... sit at home and listen to sad songs and write poetyry...
Me: lol
Me: sad songs?
Me: please.
i hadn't told him about the poetry part...
conversation
Guy Friend: whatcha up to so early?
Me: trying to get over the breakup
Guy Friend: *hug*
Me: thank you
Guy Friend: i'm here if you need someone to talk to.
Me: thank you...
Me: there's really nothing more to say (not to you, anyway)
Me: just "ouch".
Me: "ouch ouch."
Me: "..ouch"
Me: trying to get over the breakup
Guy Friend: *hug*
Me: thank you
Guy Friend: i'm here if you need someone to talk to.
Me: thank you...
Me: there's really nothing more to say (not to you, anyway)
Me: just "ouch".
Me: "ouch ouch."
Me: "..ouch"
Friday, February 08, 2008
alright, show's over
yeah, show's over.
this is the right move. doting or not - it's all linked. maybe his parent(s) said something about me that shook his love. i know my own mother did, but i am glad i gave it my all. i loved and i loved hard, i do not regret.
i was proud of him, regardless whether or not he was hot, or if he had muscles.
maybe fault's mine, maybe fault's his. whatever it is, i learnt that i am capable of loving and giving. i know i try. i know i try to find out if i'm doing a good job at loving... i'm just not quite sure if "support" means seeing him off to the bus stop, too.
then again, i won't know what i don't know.
show's over. i will not speak of it again.
this is the right move. doting or not - it's all linked. maybe his parent(s) said something about me that shook his love. i know my own mother did, but i am glad i gave it my all. i loved and i loved hard, i do not regret.
i was proud of him, regardless whether or not he was hot, or if he had muscles.
maybe fault's mine, maybe fault's his. whatever it is, i learnt that i am capable of loving and giving. i know i try. i know i try to find out if i'm doing a good job at loving... i'm just not quite sure if "support" means seeing him off to the bus stop, too.
then again, i won't know what i don't know.
show's over. i will not speak of it again.
the good stuff only
y'know, i try to only remember the good stuff. i don't want to get angry at you, or at me, or at situations you hadn't learnt to deal with - or situations i hadn't learnt to deal with.
i just want you to be happy, less tired. i also want to feel less wronged.
it's dragged on long enough, causing both of us distress. yet you remain the person i want to marry.
---
i want you to be happy... and if being angry at me makes it easier, then go ahead - use my picture as a dartboard. if loving me has been painful, i'm glad i finally found the courage to let you go.
please believe me when i tell you i do this unwillingly. i will remember how your kisses feel, i will remember your smile when you wake and see me in the morning, i will remember your delight when you get your lemonade.. i will remember how you reach out to hold my hand, how i felt when i danced with you.
maybe you're right when you ask how i can ever know how you feel - how do i know the things you do not say nor show?
then again, that's another story. i do not want to pair your name with sadness and unhappiness. you are love, personified. you are my love. my. love. you gave me, discounting the "recent" times, the best relationship i've had so far.
this isn't denial neither. this is my gift to you, so to speak. i honour you with good thoughts only, in thanks of your love.
hey, maybe the only person crying when we see each other next is me. who knows how the other feels, eh?
thank you, for your love.
i just want you to be happy, less tired. i also want to feel less wronged.
it's dragged on long enough, causing both of us distress. yet you remain the person i want to marry.
---
i want you to be happy... and if being angry at me makes it easier, then go ahead - use my picture as a dartboard. if loving me has been painful, i'm glad i finally found the courage to let you go.
please believe me when i tell you i do this unwillingly. i will remember how your kisses feel, i will remember your smile when you wake and see me in the morning, i will remember your delight when you get your lemonade.. i will remember how you reach out to hold my hand, how i felt when i danced with you.
maybe you're right when you ask how i can ever know how you feel - how do i know the things you do not say nor show?
then again, that's another story. i do not want to pair your name with sadness and unhappiness. you are love, personified. you are my love. my. love. you gave me, discounting the "recent" times, the best relationship i've had so far.
this isn't denial neither. this is my gift to you, so to speak. i honour you with good thoughts only, in thanks of your love.
hey, maybe the only person crying when we see each other next is me. who knows how the other feels, eh?
thank you, for your love.
good and bad
the good thing about living alone is that you enjoy your solitude, your peace.
the bad thing about it is that nobody will know your pains and nobody will witness your tears. i miss him.
i miss him very much, though i know he will never have met me up even if we were still together. but now he has a very good reason: we're no longer together.
there is no need.
the bad thing about it is that nobody will know your pains and nobody will witness your tears. i miss him.
i miss him very much, though i know he will never have met me up even if we were still together. but now he has a very good reason: we're no longer together.
there is no need.
suitors
y'know, the thing about suitors is all balls. if the person i love does not love me enough to want to show me to his folks then the whole world's worth of suitors won't make a difference: i am still love-less.
step by step now, step by step. i will find someone who is proud of me.
you're the one who makes me shy
...the lingering scent of you on my skin makes it this much harder.
i love you. i still do.
very much.
i love you. i still do.
very much.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
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