here, too is love

and this one, is done by someone who calls herself BD.

this is love.

aye, this is love. written by a pioneer woman.

back

Me says: (20:54:33) if you hadn't been scaring me then i wouldn't be scared
Me says: (20:54:38) like now
Someone says: (20:55:14) :/
Someone says: (20:56:06) okies, have to go for a bit now
Someone says: (20:56:18) ttyl~

-snip-

Me says: (21:39:32) : +
when're you coming back?

The following message could not be delivered:
Me says: (21:39:32) : +
when're you coming back?

chris

me: 你问我会不会怕。不会，因为我已经变成了洋葱：没心，也只会让人哭。
chris: 我知道。
me: 知道了还玩？
me: 你对我好其实只是因为你得不到...　你得到了就不对我好，不要我了。我不想这样。
chris: If this is how you think. I can't say any thing. Right?
me: 可能吧。我很痛，真的很痛。痛到不知道要跟谁说，要说什么。感觉就像被风一吹就吹倒的人。这样的我... 谁敢要？
me: 不好意思，我可能是累了，才说这么多傻话。我睡了；晚安！
chris: 我 lor.
chris: Good night n Sweet dreams.

next morning

chris: feeling better?

...okay, trying to look like the emo-wreck didn't work. -_-

日本の形−茶

this is what elegance looks like.

this is what fear looks like

oh, my, god.

look at this piece of writing, by bobbie johnson! the indignance! the cruel, sparkling wit!

he's lancing someone through with words and all i can think of when i read his entry is that this man is brilliant!

closely followed by i want to have his kids.


brr. wait. i should at least wait till i find out if he's gay.

HARRY POTTER IN THE HOOD with LYRICS

WAAAAHOOOOO!

damn nice. this is what JASMINE the ghetto queen will luuuurve!

conversation

Friend: anyway, it's an old problem... bad habit that i need to kick
Me: hmmm
Me: y'know, sometimes when you aren't the one with the problems
Me: the other person will have the problems. i'm just not sure if your wanting to let go of "baggage" - for lack of a less offensive term - is necessary
Me: cause i think the reason why you're doing this is because your guy's not around and you want attention, like any neglected woman wants attention
Me: and with different guys, there will be different baggages that come up
Me: it's just that sometimes a person is more prone to using the same "defence mechanism" to deal with it
Me: if it's become damaging to the relationship, then okay, have to drop. but that does not mean the source of the issue (his side also) has been resolved.
Me: "resolved"
Me: for this particular one (in your case) i think it might be a chicken and egg
Friend: yeah
Friend: agree
Me: ..does it.. yeah. i was about to ask if it makes sense when i put it like that
Friend: i dont deny that fact that this is chicken n egg prob
Friend: at same time, i believe one party has to initiate willingness for a change..
Friend: mayb this case, i hope i can b strong enough to do that for him
Friend: though i know it's really not easy.. im almost struggling here.. but i guess till now, im still willing to make effort for this change
Me: yeah. i just hope he's appreciative. i too am willing to make the change... but guess what... he didn't want that change.
Friend: ya.. i know.. that's why i didnt even attempt to 'talk' u out of ur decision...
Friend: if he doesnt even want it, n it's not worth it, fighting so hard for both of u.. n fighting it alone..
Me: haha
Me: tough, no?
Friend: tough for wanting to make things better?
Me: actually, yeah.

politely quiet

it would seem that the issue does not just come from me.

read: i'm not crazy! woo!

forced

today, i came home from a day of cross-border running around chasing anwar's shirttails, to remember that hey, i forgot to pay rent - so i went ahead and paid it.

then when the money was being carefully counted then folded by my landlady - like how an obvious trap unfolds in a horror movie because the scene is just too quiet - the house caretaker nonchalantly mentioned "the phone that i'd given ('given') to my maid is very hard to use."

i immediately knew something was up, considering i had intended to throw that phone away personally or burn it because it was 1) faulty and 2) holds digital mementos that will undoubtedly stir up memories.

- the house "care taker" (but the landlord's "buddy")continued, "also, there is the addressbook and other information inside it, you better clear!"

suffice to say, i was not happy. it is obvious that he'd gone through my phonebook, my sms-es, and of course, my photos in the phone. and i'm not being paranoid - this is the person who'd go through a person's BANK BOOK just because he (the previous tenant) accidentally left it behind. the house "care taker".

ahem, let me say that again. the house "care taker".

pui!


so i politely but grimly asked the maid for the phone, raced upstairs with it and deleted, one by painful one, the pictures that i'd taken from more than one year ago.

oh look, that's him before he got his hair shorn, on that island i'd rather not mention.

hey, that's me when i had longer, rebonded hair. how together we looked, how ha... how happy. despite him going into the army that day, we looked happy.


right.

there was no way to "select all" and there certainly was no "delete selected" options in the phone. so ...yes, i was forced.

one.

by.

painful.

one.


...then came the sms-es. i don't know which is worse. seeing us happy together, or reading the three words from very nearly 1 year ago.

"i love you," he wrote, on 13th march, 2007.


"i love you."

"i've decided that you're The One," i'd replied.



it's almost hilarious as i imagine watching myself from a short distance away, right now. i've my face mask on, a quick facial - the mask must have cracked but moisture would've muddied some parts of it. i must look a sight.

yeah, a greenish, cracked-up, muddied sight. almost hilarious.

心

心一被切半，就不叫心了。

只有全心全意，没一心半意，更没有三心两意。被切半的心，就不叫心了。


我的心，没了。

one love, one life

mmm, i think i'll wait.

without his asking, i will wait.


because what we had would have been a waste of time - if i were to let it go like that - especially when i know that he still cares for me. i care for him, too. he's not a bad person... in fact i think he's great. he'll grow up to be a magnificent man, that i know.

but.. meanwhile... i think this is it, world. this is the person i'm going to marry. sure, he's got his bad points and his personality's still forming... but i think we can make it work.

mmm. as for how i know it... it's strange, but i hadn't the heart to give to anyone else. it is not with me. so... as far as suitors and matchmaking goes... ^^'

心不在我这儿。

today, 4pm

i find my thoughts drifting back to him, for some reason. i wanted to sms him, tell him i miss him dearly, that i would want nothing more than to call him tonight, if no more than to hear him speak.

i wanted to tell him that i care for him in my sms, that i wish he were done with NS, that i know how getting through shit can be, but for the sake of knowing more about yourself, to learn more about yourself... to really become a man now, i think it is worth the two years. i wanted to tell him that yes, i see the boy-man in him now, no longer just a boy but more a man now, that the change is really happening, i can see it...

it was all i could do to hold it all in and force my mind down by the throat to concentrate on archiving.


i wanted to call him dear again.

that's a thought that made me sigh, for lack of a more indulgent expression at the given time.

"so what if i called him 'dear'," i argued internally. "he may ignore it like i ignored it, and choose to be polite, like i chose to be polite."

now, on an impulse, i sent him that question. i regretted it the very next moment, fearing a polite but cheerful answer.

well, to continue with my tale from the afternoon... and i didn't sms about those words i had in my mind. i daren't.


i tried to look for a reason as to why i should be feeling that way - could he be in trouble, was he missing me and therefore i by proxy am feeling shoddy? ..no, that's rubbish.

or is there a part of me that's not really "right", like say, i need to pee and i didn't realise it - and i'm therefore irritable/twitchy/whatnot? ...no i just had my loo break and lunch was just an hour ago...

and so i was like that for a while. i know how it can be to be in his position, i really do. i was like that and good heavens, it was all i could do to remember to breathe. it's never a good time to call. call me and you get shot. sms me and you'll get a quick response fired off in literal record time, assuming i have the time to respond, if i were to decide to trade that extra nanosecond's worth of breathing time to respond.


so yes, i do know how it feels and i want to be there for him. the same way he was there for me, i want to be there for him.

he'd endured my short-fused temper (due to serious stress) and he'd endured my boss's nastiness peripherally with me, when i needed him most. i also hurt him the most when he was there for me and i have never forgotten it. i have never forgotten those days when he very simply stayed with me. he was there, there and there again, for me.

i remember those, and i love him for it. and it is my turn, now. because i realise just how similar his situation was with mine, from that last email.

how that last email hurt!


and how it must have hurt him. if i were in position to make it all better, the way he needed it to be better. if i knew how, i would do it.

i would!

email

hm. i was checking and clearing mail when i stumbled onto his most recent email to me.

i honestly did - do - not know what to do with it. :/


delete it? keep it? where?

phonecalls and sms-es

i woke up this morning to a pleasant 5 sms-es, each wishing me happy birthday. it was a lovely way to wake up.. almost like waking up to see a beloved's face sleeping next to mine :)

anyhoos, i've had a Trusted Friend wanting to introduce me to "a hunk". he's christian, had education in noo yawk, and from what i see (if that's him) has a goatee.


-snip-

well, i ended up having dinner with a friend of mine instead, but damn i wish i had the chance to sit in my Trusted Friend's spanking new car! no automobile cherry for me, it seems.

..but well. it was a really nice day, today.

wonder

i wonder though, will i find one whom i will just... love?


junwei was like that for me, until the army, of course.

don't think the fault lies with him, really. it's the fact that i didn't know about his schedules enough to begin with, and as a result, think that he's not trying. the "email of doom" (as he had called one of my previous emails) actually shed a lot of light on the matter, how his schedules are.

he has explained it to me before, i'm sure, but muffled phone conversations and high speed talking makes it very much harder to absorb and retain relevant information. i wish he'd written about this to me earlier, instead of me having to run a pitchfork at him and forcing him to tell me something when he already has.

...of course i didn't really run a pitchfork at him. what do you think i am, a farmer??

having said that though, it felt like i was indeed running at him at that point (see squeezing water from stone remark in previous post). i'm glad it's all stopped now. come to think of it, when things were still "fine" and we're still able to talk and enjoy the talk... why haven't those things been written down and emailed? (oh, right. there was no need. hm.)

'cause one thing i realised about most singaporeans/some malaysians is that they talk quickly. you will understand how quickly they talk when you have to transcribe speeches. another one is that they can (and usually do) begin a sentence about one topic then have change trajectory midway and have it end up not having a concrete conclusion.

this is true even for some government high officials during trade talks - and the best bit is that they're reading from their papers. thankfully junwei stays on the path and his ideas connect... but his talking speed is oh my god bullet train.

hehe


sometimes it's just amusing to imagine him talking to an ah beng peng (ah beng soldier). hahahhahahahha

maybe that's why he uses hand signals and one-word commands. hey, i don't know. maybe they have reached an advanced stage wherein "get me the chicken rice" is being expressed with miming the chicken with a hand after saying in a very macho manner: "rice".

the "get me the" part of the sentence goes unsaid because it's already been established... LOL

...


nahhhhh. he's not like that. hahahahaha

but jokes aside, i think the way he expressed himself with me was fine, before he went to the army. he held me close often, held my hands and kissed me tenderly - that's all i needed to know that he loves me. no words were needed, then. it did get a little stilted when we did chat though. that was what got me concerned.. it is alright when things are fine but when bad things start to happen, the ability and/or willingness to talk things through with the other is crucial.

listening too, is important. listen to the things that are said and as importantly, listen for the things that aren't said. i heard too much from the "unsaid side"...


i still think that there must at least be some form of aural foothold before proper "listening to the unsaid" can happen. otherwise static builds up and funny ideas will generate. or if i were stronger, lock emotional needs kicking and screaming into the closet under the staircase and trust that he loves - loved - me, that will call and/or sms when he can.

knowing myself then, i would have required more.


well, now that that's said and come to pass, i still think it would've been better if he wrote his thoughts down. at least then i would have known and have something to hold on to when he cannot be around.

welp, it's another good day. a few more good days and i'll be back to my cocky, funny and laughing self.

taking stock

hmm, now that i'm finally free, what have i learnt from it all?

1) that i am capable of loving someone.
2) that i am a bitch when i don't see enough of someone, which probably pushes them farther away.
3) that i am capable of forgiving, remembering most of the good memories and not much of the bad ones.
4) that i am resilient.
5) that my core being is a love-able person, and am very worthy of love.
6) be gracious and accept his expressions of love. if he expresses, he expresses. if he doesn't, don't press it.
7) singaporean/malaysian men are equivalents of The Batu (malay word) when it comes to verbal expressions: you'll have to squeeze water out of them before they'll speak. and then it'll be a grouchy one about how you've been squeezing them.


hmm. if you're together with a man who is not good at expressing but found out too late, well. it's a little bit like having a husband who really snores, i suppose. the only way to get over it is to love him.

whim

right, i'd changed the site address from emolystuffed to emolyspeaking. i think the latter is more palatable, less negative and more objective.

:) no closing of blogs. love will continue to be a wonderful thing!

morning after

i thought i'd be devastated today, but no leh? hmm. very strange, but very fortunate.

odd thing was the tears were running like the tap just before i checked my mail and read the email - but i didn't know what i was crying for at the time. i felt fine emotionally, but my eyes for some reason were trying to simulate the great ganges river.

it's a little ironic how this is one of the rare times that he responded in a longer email that allowed me better, more complete understanding of his schedule and life in the army.

anyway, i felt fine after i felt "the knife" and ..i feel fine now.


-big smile-

time for bed

okay, time for bed.

i just read the email, felt the knife twist and having it pulled out. it is complete.

says my invisible angel 2

you're everyone's loren but nobody's pei. but that's alright, right?

you know who you are, and that's all there is to it. you'll be your own pei, eh?


hush, now. it's alright. it's going to be alright. chin up now, deep breath. it's going to be alright, i promise. it's going to be alright.

says my invisible angel

nah, happiness isn't hard.

in fact, it's easy. just do like i do, pei; hold my hands and learn to fly, again.


here, you're doing great. now, again.

a little bit of love

There are people who have no trouble
In expressing what they feel
For me it's never been that bad
It's just the way I've always been

I often try to tell my friends
‘Bout the effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near
My heart is weak

It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy

You have in your hands, my light of love
And in your eyes, all that I've missed
What more could I expect from life
Than your loving and tender kiss

And they can talk about paradise
And all the dreams that are to be
I laugh and doubt it could compare
To the effect you have on me

There are no words, no reasons why
The tears that sometimes fill my eyes
They're only tears of happiness
It's only fear of losing you

I often try to tell my friends
‘bout this effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near my heart is weak

It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy

Only your voice can bring me peace
Only your touch can bring me joy
What more should I expect from this life
When so many people
Still search for love

I know I never will explain
This effect you have on me
But if I have on you the same
We'll be in love
Eternally

happy

y'know, i just want to be happy. i just want to feel loved, have a friend i can buy things for, go out with, take catnaps with and sometimes have a "cute" lil tiffs with.


meanwhile, though, i just want to be happy. that's not hard, is it?

blamed?

i am writing this because i do not understand something, not because i'm upset or happy or... hey, maybe the answer will come to me as i write.

i don't understand why he feels blamed. :/

he said i made it hard for him to love me. because of my sms-es and how i'm always complaining about him each time he calls.

these are how they sounded to me when i heard them: emotionless, pointed. i said my defense as i usually do, albeit more lembek than usual - maybe that's what he wanted: someone who expresses herself in a more half-hearted kinda way.

the reason why i say this is because he actually talked to me during our conversation, or, i don't know. maybe he felt forced... he is brusque when talking to me these days... it does make talking to him harder. i feel like i've to fight him instead of the issues i am calling to fight with him about, hand-in-hand, to solve. talking softly with him probably went out the window and what remained was probably the option of talking to him.

being brushed off at the end of the conversations with "i'm in public/with company right now, bye" is becoming more and more common, too... and today i hear that i make it hard for him to love me... i honestly would've been devastated.


do you know that it's hard for me too, dealing with the issues at large by myself and not daring to be sure of how to start (on the phone) with him? even when i know i just want to call and say more than hi? the best i can be is to sound confident, like i've my shit together.

and i don't call him if i can help it, given that there are quite a few considerations i have to go through before i even pick up the phone. if you think about it, it's almost like i were buying a new computer the way i weigh the pros and cons...

why is it so complicated? it is a simple call. it's either you call or you do not, right?


well, actually no. it's not that simple.

here are some of the questions i go through.


1) can i handle it? (no, next question. yes means i don't call)
2) what time is it? is it suitable? (yes, next question. no means i bite a hanky but i don't call... though the ironic thing is that i don't know if it's a suitable time at any given time.)
3) could he be in the middle of something, in front of his recruits where he shouldn't use his phone, outfield where i can't get him anyway..?
4) is he having lunch/dinner because he usually gets stalled and makan-time as a result gets encroached upon. it's usually precious and i don't want him to have indigestion... believe it or not, i deeply appreciated the two times when he skipped dinner to slip a call to me. "the sacrifices i make," he'd say. haha
5) ...does he just have "company"..?

so basically what i've got on my hands is "call if you want to get him into trouble/encroach on his already-limited free time", or "press this button, he dies if he's unlucky". yah, it's a bit like playing russian roulette.

as a result i don't call more often than i do, because it doesn't get pass them questions. true enough, i find out today that hey, i nearly got him into trouble calling him two days ago. it's a bit tragic really, that a call is suddenly more complicated than writing a letter.



i therefore didn't quite know whether to laugh or cry when he said to me, "why didn't you just call?" when i told him i didn't know what to do when i was missing him very much and shit happened during our conversation earlier today...

well, if i were to call without first going through the list, it usually means i'm at the part where the label reads "i can't help it anymore" (ie spilt out of my threshold). i'm almost always upset and/or in tears at that point in time; so i call because i know - i just know - that he can make it better... because he is gentle in manner and most of all he loved me despite me being the imperfect, weak person that i am... to have him feel like i'm dumping emo-thrash on him.

...yeah. how that reads is exactly how it felt when i heard it (not in those words, of course. he's too [i don't have the word for it] for that).


i'm wincing now that i think about it...heh. has it always been like that for him? i hurt him when i needed him? what have i been doing to him? was i helping him while i hurt or wasn't i helping him while i hurt? maybe i could've held out a little bit longer, another hour. the trouble might have passed, then. and it would have been well on his side.

...his gentleness... calms my anger. he is the water to my fire, but the water ran out and the fire got away.

anyway. that's what i did, yesterday. but i couldn't hold it in any longer in the office and i had cried, oh my god cried, in front of my alarmed boss. i assured him profusely through choked tears that it was alright, i'm fine, no it's not his fault and i'm okay, really.


still, it would've been heartbreaking to know that whatever i say incites and/or insinuates blame. do i indeed not know how to choose my words? did i really call to only piss him off, which is to say - i deserve all this? does he hear/see what i'm not saying, or why i'm like this? or is it guilt that makes it so very sharp against the ear? i know for a fact guilt played a large part for the last significant relationship.

is - was - everything i said an accusation, implied or otherwise? if it were then.. even when pouring out my woes to him, sobbing like my insides would tear, crying... probably sounded like a blame. hell, i don't know.

i only hope that "i miss you very, very much" didn't sound like an accusation too.


where could it have stemmed from, then? could it be that i do not know contentment or how to just be happy so he can be happy so i will be happy because he's happy that i'm happy? you know, like "the reason the sun shines", a story i made up (the sun shines not for any particular reason itself, but because it makes the happy flowers bloom. but the happy flowers didn't bloom when the sun didn't shine and the sun had no reason to shine when the flowers couldn't bloom - the earth was thus bare, till the sun decided to shine again).

could it be freudian?

...i wish i could do a -smile- here without having it sound so contrived.


maybe the only way to not sound accusatory is to ask questions and as a consequence, sound unsure.

haha then the situation will probably become "pei, you're so insecure..."

i know, because that's what i did when we first started out, and that was just what he said... "pei, you're so insecure..."

guts

what i did today took me a great deal of guts. and now i feel like i've been punched - hard - in the stomach.


"my name is jane jones."

only defense

my only defense against his "not good with words" then leaving it to silence and seemingly having forgotten about the conversation we've had just the night before - is to ignore it.

Leaving on a Jet Plane - John Denver

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

[Guitar Solo]

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

what?

what?

er. i like the doctor best. because he's smart, and he loves and loves hard - but most of all it's the way he fought for his happiness.


isn't that admirably single-minded?

closer

CLOSER is a play written by Patrick Marber that was made into a film of the same name in 2004 - i'd chanced upon it when we saw it on tv, at jas's. also one of a certain ms tan's favoured films.

the show offers simple, concise dialogue; the sets are decidedly "play-like"; handling of timeline is brilliant (also very play-like) - though some do not like it in films. the cast was well-chosen, with jude law playing ..what he plays best, nat portman, like julia roberts, offer stellar performances while not losing none of the original feel of it being a play. so did clive owens, for that matter: he made a very believable doctor-cum-"nemesis" caught in this kind of situation.

wikipedia said the movie is about betrayals, instant attractions, what-not - but i think it is about chance encounters, decisions to fall or not fall in love, not really understanding what - who - you have in your hands right now and having to climb mountains and swim seas to finally learn that what you had was the best thing you could ever be blessed with. all of these - portrayed in stingingly ironic plain-ness.

this film will leave a bitter-sweet taste in your mouth and have you reminisce past loves ... it will give you reason to smile (or cry, depending on which character you most identify with and at what stage in love and/or life you are at right now).


i strongly recommend it to people who are emotionally stable and at peace, cause otherwise, this will more than make you cry.


(film HERE)

i'll be watching yooo

4 a.m.

Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you wouldn't change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

popped thoughts

i should've noticed it. "single" was spelt "snigle" in my previous post - and i hadn't noticed.

it might've been a sign, but a day after proclaiming singlehood's fantastic and wonderful i'm back at home, struck suddenly by heartache and a clawing need to know if he's thought of me, if his thoughts drift back to me the way mine do him.


well well well. what do you know - eating my words just one day later, humbled by a keen understanding of the fact that i still love him.

snigle

and then there's the thing at jasmi's tomorrow... yay more eye-candy.

singlehood's fun!


i love you baby, but you didn't know what a great thing you have. too bad.

valentine's - decoded

well, i was supposed to meet a friend up on 13th feb but is turned out that he was down with the flu, so he postponed it to the 14th. which happened to be valentine's day.

and he's cooking.


he's not a very good cook, but the food was passable when i ate it and we had a very yummy bottle of white wine and i even managed to catch a glimpse of the train through the leaves at night. suffice to say, it was wonderful, albeit unintentional. anyhoos: the night was fine, the atmosphere friendly and nowhere near "i like you you like me" - it was very easy and i enjoyed it thoroughly. perfect valentine's evening, honestly. i loved his place: very rustic, very natural and most of all, very peaceful, quiet and very, very "village". (if i can say that in a french way i would. vill-ar-che. there.)

so that was a nice valentine's... and then there's friday, which is today. i met up with the friday gang and we had drinks at harry's - (met up with my primary schoolmate whom i hadn't seen for "a dozen years" and omigosh how she's blossomed!) - and it was great. we had drinks, then we gatecrashed some event and got invited to indochine by the owner micheal ma his good self.

i personally find him (micheal ma) very charming without being overtly so, and he cuts a naturally impressive figure. he definitely looks like someone i'll tip my hat at when i see him at social situations.

aaaanyhoos, we had a hoot and a holler there, it was great. and my prayers went answered: i wanted a nice time and that someone send me home.

all was fulfilled, through His gracious love. THANK YOU, LORD!


Your Name i eternally praise! THANK You, for the wonderful evening, for the great valentine's day, the lifting me up after my breakup and keeping me soaring on a high note, and the wonderful times to come. thank YOU, O Lord, for Your great love.


i love You, too. Lord Jesus' Name i praise. Amen.

valentine's.

i had a great valentine's. with wine, he cooked me something and ...i caught glimpses of a train amongst leaves in the night.

it was magical.

it was a fantastic valentine's, despite us being unintentionally having a meal together on a day lovers commemorate. it was nice.

time shift

- now the time is right!

friends

well, friends are we or... are we?

i wish he were a little more forthcoming. how do we be friends otherwise?

meep

i don't understand why i'd been this tired lately... might be that i need to turn in earlier. well, whatever it is, i'm glad that my investment wheels are being put in place to turn. so that's very good! >: D

i called him last night, just to see how he was and he sounded upbeat, which is a good thing. but he said it's been a rollercoaster ride and he got into big trouble.

refused to tell me what, though he said it was over "something silly".


did he get it because he was checking my blog? that is something silly. silly but endearing to a person hoping against quasi-inborn realism, at least.

.....then again, he might've gotten into trouble because of something else. i'm not "important" anymore, so to speak. why'd he get into trouble because of me? least of all checking my blog.

..i'm too naive.

passing on

oh yah. ah meng died.

let us all observe a minute's silence.

correction

in my previous post i had said something like he never was around to fight off suitors - i have to amend that.

he was around - he just didn't do anything about the suitors.


to his credit though - he did not have to do much pre-army: i felt naturally safe and secure in his love and affections.. nobody could've broken through to me even if they tried with a battering ram.

..why'm i reminiscing? it'll only cause additional distress. stop.

air-conditioned chill

today, i found some comfort in the office's air-conditioned chill. it gave me something to anchor myself with, to the present - instead of being washed away by unbridled memories and thoughts.

...this morning i did something very brave. i made him feel better. through cheeky sentiments expressed via sms in response to his initial note, i know i made him feel better. i hope that's good for him to cope... on my end, i'll have to be content that i'm probably the one doing the thinking for the both of us, and i'll have to find my own champions - imaginary or otherwise - to fight my wars.

he is no longer "available" to help me fob off suitors... then again, he never was.


i've been alone before, it was easy. it will not get hard now. thus begins the walk to recovery: "hutt hutt hutt hutt hutt!"

refusal

no, i refuse to think about what went wrong and no, i refuse to think about what was right. it's gone now.

i refuse to think about it.

holland v

i was out at holland v after heading to eunos for lunch right, and as i was getting out of the car i saw a young man piggy-backing his girlfriend through the carpark... and i realise, that it does not quite matter where you are to feel the heartache.

sure, being confined in the army can be a bummer, considering you do not have privacy most of the time, but you're being kept busy and you're probably too busy to do anything more than whatever it is at hand. being "outside" has its merits and demerits as well... like seeing the things i see. imagine valentine's day, hey. i'll probably have to blind myself and walk with a cane to and from work, keep the radio off and go nowhere near newpaper, which is going to be full of sappy declarations of love.

if i don't blind myself then i must walk quickly, and look nobody - nobody - in the eye. maybe do what jasmi does when i do see couples - "receding hairline!"

blessed

blessed, very blessed i am, to have friends.

thank you,O Lord, for your blessings upon me. thank you for providing me with everything, from core friends (jasmi, jenn, su), eye-candy to take my mind off things, a friend to stay with to keep the silence of my own home at bay, a friend to take me to eat with when i absolutely have no idea where to go for food.

thank you, O Lord Jesus. YOU are the mighty saviour. you're my mighty saviour... and Lord, if You would, Sir, please help save my love from drowning as well.

we may be mere friends now, but i love him, and i beg that You, through your gracious love for me, grant him relief, calmness of the heart and peace. let him know that everything will be alright. please, Lord, take his heartaches from him and grant him peace.

in Lord Jesus' beloved, beloved Name i pray. Amen.

hope

i'd picked up a book that his mother had passed to me on a whim - and flipped to the page that says

"To be successful you need to learn to overcome your fear of being rejected and to stop worrying about what other people will say about you."

that is the right way to go.


y'know, i think i'm a treasure. i think i'm made, perfect, for that person in mind. my backgrounds, my strengths and weaknesses, are all meant to complement that person and help that person grow. the very same way he is meant for me.

i will be happy. it might not be now, but i will be happy, once this hurt is over.

i will be happy again.


meanwhile though, i think that my picking that book up is no coincidence. i shall read it.

no idea

i have no idea how not calling someone takes this much effort.

i also have no idea how disappointing it is to receive an sms to realise it's from "someone else".


i try to catch some shut-eye: turned on the aircon, left the radio on and tried to sleep. the only things i ended up doing was look around my room without really seeing anything and checking my phone, knowing full well that he hasn't sent word.

i wonder what he's doing now, how he is.


is he well?

...ohkay now

okay, i now listen to sad songs, too.

nabeh.

conversation 2

Guy Friend B: oi
Me: yeah?
Guy Friend B: happy near year
Me: haha happy NEW year
Guy Friend B: ok.
Guy Friend B: spelling nazi
Me: i see!
Guy Friend B: how are you?
Me: i'm alright.
Me: a lil ragged 'round the edges,
Me: but still intact
Me: -smile-
Guy Friend B: from what?
Me: thank you for asking.
Me: i broke up
Me: heartbreak never gets easier

-snip-

Guy Friend B: i suggest going out and getting laid
Me: lol
Me: i'm not that kind of person [name removed]
Guy Friend B: you think i am joking
Me: i might be heart-broken but that does not mean i've gotten dumb
Me: men and women work very differently
Me: ..and he does not deserve his love to be defiled that way
Guy Friend B: ok... sit at home and listen to sad songs and write poetyry...
Me: lol
Me: sad songs?
Me: please.


i hadn't told him about the poetry part...

conversation

Guy Friend: whatcha up to so early?
Me: trying to get over the breakup
Guy Friend: *hug*
Me: thank you
Guy Friend: i'm here if you need someone to talk to.
Me: thank you...
Me: there's really nothing more to say (not to you, anyway)
Me: just "ouch".
Me: "ouch ouch."
Me: "..ouch"

alright, show's over

yeah, show's over.

this is the right move. doting or not - it's all linked. maybe his parent(s) said something about me that shook his love. i know my own mother did, but i am glad i gave it my all. i loved and i loved hard, i do not regret.

i was proud of him, regardless whether or not he was hot, or if he had muscles.


maybe fault's mine, maybe fault's his. whatever it is, i learnt that i am capable of loving and giving. i know i try. i know i try to find out if i'm doing a good job at loving... i'm just not quite sure if "support" means seeing him off to the bus stop, too.


then again, i won't know what i don't know.

show's over. i will not speak of it again.

the good stuff only

y'know, i try to only remember the good stuff. i don't want to get angry at you, or at me, or at situations you hadn't learnt to deal with - or situations i hadn't learnt to deal with.

i just want you to be happy, less tired. i also want to feel less wronged.

it's dragged on long enough, causing both of us distress. yet you remain the person i want to marry.


---
i want you to be happy... and if being angry at me makes it easier, then go ahead - use my picture as a dartboard. if loving me has been painful, i'm glad i finally found the courage to let you go.

please believe me when i tell you i do this unwillingly. i will remember how your kisses feel, i will remember your smile when you wake and see me in the morning, i will remember your delight when you get your lemonade.. i will remember how you reach out to hold my hand, how i felt when i danced with you.

maybe you're right when you ask how i can ever know how you feel - how do i know the things you do not say nor show?

then again, that's another story. i do not want to pair your name with sadness and unhappiness. you are love, personified. you are my love. my. love. you gave me, discounting the "recent" times, the best relationship i've had so far.


this isn't denial neither. this is my gift to you, so to speak. i honour you with good thoughts only, in thanks of your love.

hey, maybe the only person crying when we see each other next is me. who knows how the other feels, eh?


thank you, for your love.

good and bad

the good thing about living alone is that you enjoy your solitude, your peace.

the bad thing about it is that nobody will know your pains and nobody will witness your tears. i miss him.

i miss him very much, though i know he will never have met me up even if we were still together. but now he has a very good reason: we're no longer together.

there is no need.

suitors

y'know, the thing about suitors is all balls. if the person i love does not love me enough to want to show me to his folks then the whole world's worth of suitors won't make a difference: i am still love-less.

step by step now, step by step. i will find someone who is proud of me.

you're the one who makes me shy

...the lingering scent of you on my skin makes it this much harder.







i love you. i still do.

very much.

comic

"..of course, the assert doesn't work." - xkcd.com

promise

i promise myself to not hurt.

i'm going to keep that promise.

bees

so many bees, so little time!

reading

re-reading what i wrote in the previous entry... i'm a little worried he might read it, but to wipe it away would probably mean i'm not being very honest with myself.

golly, what'd i need to do??

the feeling that eats at my gut

it's the sick-sad feeling that you get when you break up.

i haven't broken up yet but it sure feels like i have. there seems no point in continuing this relationship though... he does not fight for me to ask me to stay when i tell him i want to go. so much for "i can't live without you" kind of romance.

i haven't the guts to follow it through, neither. maybe i should very simply wean it off... it should be easy, considering he does not call during the day and does not even respond to sms-es. to feel unloved in a relationship is quite unconceivable, don't you think? you can be unloved when you're not in a relationship; and you can feel the same when you're in one.

does that not mean a relationship may be redundant?


i think i need to go out and date again. heart is breaking breaking has been breaking since he went into the army. it will probably continue to be chipped away steadily as this goes on.

i think i need to go out and date again.

insulted.

it's annoyingly disgusting how i am a romantic by nature.

---
on another note altogether - no, i don't want to fight. i don't want to have to fight for time, for affection, whatnot. if it's mine, everything will go swimmingly well. and i place it in His hands. i follow your lead, Lord.

Amen.

de-toofed munchkin

"it's not tuuf and me," says he.

"oh? then what," go i.

"it's the community, like how you interact with the people in [name erased] club."

"oh. i don't think i'll ever understand then - cause mostly i don't give a f*. in fact, i think i'll go concentrate on digesting now."


"..."

---

this is the kind of conversation we have, even when "arguing".

it's supposed to be like this

query and grievance

the way you do anything is the way you do everything.

Christmas

Christmas. good cheer, good cheer all round.

thank you, sweetheart, for the wonderful year. i love you!

ma-in-law - logorrhea

'tis scary. no, not her. and no, i don't have a ma-in-law yet, just this potential one who might be my ma-in-law. i feel like a country bumpkin speaking to her!

i almost bite my tongue when we converse - because the talks about soft toys and their pasts do not make sense to me and the overseas trips and geographical locations are alien and therefore do not mean a thing - but i cannot, because a conversation cannot happen when i bite my tongue. there is only so long you can smile and make eye-contact for, before you start feeling silly...

she's a nice lady.


i suddenly feel like i'm not good enough for his family, seeing as i am on my own and he has his family. why do i feel like this?? >_<

Him

i packed up my troubles and handed it over to Him.


then i felt better.

fear

yes, i fear.


the smiles you have in the morning does not assure me; the things you don't say don't assure me –

i feel somehow defeated, like i am caught in the sea on a boat without any oars.


to curl up and hide.

love.

From The Art of Courtly Love by Andreas Capellanus

1. Thou shalt avoid avarice like the deadly pestilence and shalt embrace its opposite.
2. Thou shalt keep thyself chaste for the sake of her whom thou lovest.
3. Thou shalt not knowingly strive to break up a correct love affair that someone else is engaged in.
4. Thou shalt not chose for thy love anyone whom a natural sense of shame forbids thee to marry.
5. Be mindful completely to avoid falsehood.
6. Thou shalt not have many who know of thy love affair.
7. Being obedient in all things to the commands of ladies, thou shalt ever strive to ally thyself to the service of Love.
8. In giving and receiving love's solaces let modesty be ever present.
9. Thou shalt speak no evil.
10. Thou shalt not be a revealer of love affairs.
11. Thou shalt be in all things polite and courteous.
12. In practising the solaces of love thou shalt not exceed the desires of thy lover.

The Art of Courtly Love
From The Art of Courtly Love by Andreas Capellanus

1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.
2. He who is not jealous cannot love.
3. No one can be bound by a double love.
4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
5. That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.
6. Boys do not love until they reach the age of maturity.
7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is required of the survivor.
8. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.
9. No one can love unless he is propelled by the persuasion of love.
10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.
11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one would be ashamed to seek to marry.
12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.
13. When made public love rarely endures.
14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value: difficulty of attainment makes it prized.
15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.
16. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.
17. A new love puts an old one to flight.
18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.
19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
20. A man in love is always apprehensive.
21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.
22. Jealousy increases when one suspects his beloved.
23. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.
24. Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.
25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.
26. Love can deny nothing to love.
27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.
28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.
29. A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.
30. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved.
31. Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.


information from here.

weekends vs weekdays

it doesn't matter whether i have more fun during the weekend or the weekday.




it's just not the same without you.

:)

and it did, many drinks and great company later.

and of course, he called and that was what really made it better. we spoke and chatted and laughed and had our usual banter... it's good to be happy together again.

it's just a heart-ache

it's just a heart-ache, nothing but a heart-ache – so the song goes.

the heart really aches. golly, but it does. i'm yet amazed by the powers of the heart.



it'll pass, yes it'll pass, as it must.

conscience

in all seriousness, amidst all this madness, i want to acknowledge that he tries. he tries really hard to make this work.

maybe it's just how we function, hey.

but how does a boy/girlfriend think that way of the other?? i don't get it.

love must be a funny thing!

...mac's saved the day

yeah, push me away then pull me close.


no-can-do, sirree. i've macdonald's delivery. dinner. at home. unhealthy, but it's mine.

i know it won't play games with me.

pathetic

this is pathetic. hypocritical and pathetic. on one blog i say i'm a ray of sunshine but on this one i'm crying my effing eyes out. two nights' worth of crying.

but you tell me if you'd be like this, if someone you deem your best friend tells you that he thinks of you this way, and that he does not exactly expect you to take care of him when he's sick. and he's not just your best friend, he's your boyfriend.

come to think of it, why don't you tell me what more don't you expect from me?


nobody should make me cry, you hear me! NO-FUCKING-BODY!

FUCKING ARSEHOLE!

ba-da-da-da-DA-DAAAA!

no use feeling down. it's not you, it's him! :D

you don't deserve to feel down, pei. nooo you don't. if he thinks you're like that then you're too good for him, eh?

who's a happy person? whoooo's a happy person? :)

ow

that hurt. that really hurt.

NOW i have it!

now i have it. my boyfriend's a laissez-faire.

noun [U] (ALSO laisser-faire)
1. unwillingness to get involved in or influence other people's activities: The problems began long before he became headteacher, but they worsened with his laissez-faire approach/attitude.

this kind of attitude, alright, MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR SOMETHING DOWN. people who shouldn't be like that are: teachers/mentors, spouses, significant others, parents. if a teacher doesn't care or doesn't want to influence his students, then who should? yes, there are things like freedom of will, choice, whatnot, but if a teacher/parent does not instill some form of structure, then the kid will grow up an anarchist. you might as well instruct them to place bombs under cars or join the osala's camp!

well, i've had teachers like that and they simply make me think that they didn't care and i don't matter. yes they smile and we talk, but they didn't quite care, like they should, you know what i mean? it might be because they've been at this for a long long time and therefore are somewhat jaded... but then we're talking about people who are taking care of people who will later take care of other people. their growths, i mean.


it especially drives me up the wall when it's something closer to home, like the boyfriend. i mean, don't i matter? if i matter, isn't he going to try to influence me to continue to be with him?

it's like, "i'm leaving!"

"i don't want you to leave but if that's your choice, okay."


WTF?? translation? you don't matter enough for me to want to persuade/influence you to stay. and that's not good. if you don't want it enough, then you won't have it for very long.

being uninvolved... that's one thing a relationship should not be. >_<

query

boyfriend: "dear, is my belt at your place?"

mixed valentine

today - well, yesterday - was our anniversary. i thought i'd've no chance to see my boy whatsoever but as luck would have it, he managed to book out today and we are able to see each other.

that's the nice part. the bad part is that his mother has had a mild stroke, and he had to book out to take care of her until someone else is able to fill in the spot, which is tomorrow.

this is... so... y'know, oddly perfect.

thank God for...

Kleenex.

i need to go to sleep, now. like, now.

too much of a good thing

yes, i like the attention from gentlemen.

but i only like it because it makes the man i love pay me more attention.


fuck it, i can be negative too. right now, i quit trying.

mulled

okay, i'd called my boy up and hollered.

well, not holler holler, but more of like, holler holler. as it happened, he denied it completely, saying he doesn't recall typing "thanks" in response to my show of affection.

then again, he sounded genuinely unaware...

words unsaid

his response to my "i love you"?

"thanks."




cb.

emo balance

i don't know if i should be glad or not when i say this: i'm emotionally balanced.

i don't quite feel the pinch when my boy and i part company anymore. i don't particularly feel it neither, when i miss his calls. the trip to taiwan and my trip to phuket may have something to do with it. heh.

when i don't wait, i really don't wait, huh. well. this is something new - let's see where this takes me.

peoplescape

i've found that the need to cheat is at a low when i'm happy with my partner (i use "partner" to refer to boyfriends/girlfriends and spouses alike, because that's what we are: partners walking the same path towards hopefully the same goal).

like the very cute indian chap i mentioned two posts back – yes, it'd be nice to see him, meet him up – but not in the heyheyhey-we're-gonna-do-dinner kind of way-hey (excuse me). not after my baby returned, anyway. heh. that's not to say he's not attractive. i maintain that he is, and he is quite a catch.

but that's where it ends, because i know my darling boy loves me (hate it when he doesn't tell me that he loves me though).

i suspect he knows something about how to keep his woman from straying, truth be told, even if she were someone as social as i am. it must sound clichéd but it's really the small stuff – an sms, a call – anything, really - that a girl's sweetheart does to let her know that she means a lot to him, that he loves her and that she's on his mind.

those do more than just a little to make me feel cherished, missed and keep me from looking elsewhere, even if it were just looking around at the landscape in general.

i find it particularly easy to somehow not-see the hot stuffs because 1) i need spectacles, 2) i am aware of the people around me as moving objects (that's all general peoplescape should be: moving objects) and 3) if i do recognise that it's a cutie i make it a point to not look a fifth time and concentrate on my darling boy instead.





..but seriously. who's better than the one i chose?


the only people who are people are the people that i made plans to meet up with and are meeting up with.


others? peoplescape.

stardusted - again

i went and caught stardust again.

i got misty-eyed at the same parts, i wished sorely, that he's there with me, again.

nope, it does not get easier with time, when you love someone.

"i want nothing more than to give you my heart, if you asked for it, asking for nothing in return, if only to know that you love me, too."

- star to tristan after he's been turned into an adorable bug-eyed mouse.


and she gave him his heart. and this is where i died trying to contain both tears and mirth.

indian

yes, i like indian. on my phuket trip i made several friends, all fun-loving and witty and intelligent. there are ang mohs, chinese, indians and well, a few malays. all in good fun, all in good faith.

then there's this indian chap who's a muslim. hot as heck, 32, with a kind of charming cheeky geekiness that i so love. and my, has he got a great set of pearlies. very, very attractive.

but too bad for me, i've my baby coming back on sunday, and i'm going to pick him up at the airport.


i would SO date this chap if i were single.

movie

i'd been to the movies last night, to watch "stardust", a novel by neil gaiman and now happy-ending-ed by hollywood. which is not necessarily a bad thing, methinks.

when i was watching the show, though, while i was tittering at the moving-and-funny moments i got all misty an' all, knowing that if my darling love were to be there with me he'd give me a big squeeze and kiss me, telling me, without words, that those are the words he would tell me if he could find them.


...unfortunately, he's no screenwriter, so he'll have to settle for moving heartfelt swoonsome oh my god romantic words written by someone else.

well. i missed him anyway and had so wanted to be the star to his tristan thorne.


...and i got misty-eyed again.

friday tomorrow

it's friday tomorrow. and i'm expected to go clubbing... i'm not keen on that. instead, i want to go have a nice dinner with some friends and play some computer games, then head home to bed.

then it'd be saturday. :) a saturday that will be pretty busy: meeting the girls up at 11, then home, then off to holland village. it'd be so nice, saturday. then sunday i'll probably head over to my mother's, say hello or something.

oops. just found out that meeting the girls up will be at 2pm instead! well, that works. :) either way that works. and yes, life is working out. amen.

tom jones

i listened to tom jones' sing and i felt ready to sob into my pillow, having a last cigarette in a cigarette holder, complete with fancy arched eyebrows and a slinky black dress like the ladies you see in film noir - then leaping to my death from my second storey pigeon poop ridden balcony.

mattress

phone call

having settled down into a sort of an easy calm in my own cubicle in the office ("calm" being relative to the general environment) i got a call on my mobile.

there was no number displayed, only "Call", which is reserved for overseas numbers, like from my dad, who's overseas most of the time. or evil marketeers from malaysia. or my darling boy who's been sent overseas and hadn't called for the entire week.


"could it be?" i asked myself, half excited, not wanting to get excited.

so i picked the phone up, not really wanting to be quick about it, so i can say – oh, it wasn't so bad, these three weeks. pshaw, i wouldn't mind having to go through another three – and picked up the line in two rings.

"hello?"

nothing.

"hello??"

nothing.

is the line dead or something? is there something wrong with the phone? i swear i was beginning to have the palpitations here, the butterflies in my stomach began to stir –


my throat was dry and as i was about to say again, heartfelt, "hello," –

SOME CHAINA LADY SAID IN MAINLAND CHAINESE, "hello, i'm calling from – "


click.

the most romantic man

this has got to be the most romantic man alive! found here.

35 Years Of Roses
For our 25th wedding anniversary, I started 25 days before our anniversary, with one rose and a note stating that it was 25 days to our 25th. A few days later I sent 2 roses and a note stating the number of days to 25. I repeated this procedure for 3 roses, 4 roses, and 5 roses and on our 25 anniversary a note stating my love and the final 10 roses. (1+2+3+4+5+10=25). I did the same thing for our 30th anniversary, only ending with 15 to make 30. I am in the process of doing so for our 35th coming in June this year (2004) only this time it works out to be able to send one note every 5 days up to 10 days before (with 10 roses) and the final 10 on our 35th. I am using the suggestion of one of your submitters for the final 10 to spread candy kisses in a trail to the shower, with the final note of "I have kissed the ground you walked on and showered you with flowers, how about …" and my request for 35 more years. She loves every time the roses arrive.

conversation 2

Me: no guy should tell me break up
Friend: no sad thots
Friend: oh.
Me: if he wants a break up then he's not worth it
Friend: true
Me: mmm. i think i'm on to a good thing, with this guy.
Me: :)
Friend: =)
Friend: that's good


amen. that's good.

conversation

Friend: maybe it's a white lie.
Me: so exciting
Friend: that he replied to the girl but is not gg out with her
Friend: would never know
Friend: anyway, watever... he's a bastard lah....
Friend: he called me after that but i ignored him... 22 missed calls. watever.
Friend: then asked me out for a movie w olivier.... but no more tix.. so that's it. but we're OK after that.
Friend: stupid drama
Me: 22 calls!
Me: hur hur
Me: not bad
Me: i'd like 22 calls myself ^^

Me: ...i should date a french guy.

voice on the line

i dreamt this morning, of you; and it seems that you are, like usual, a muffled voice on the line. i remember missing you in my dream, and was so sorry when i had to hang up.


the next three weeks there will not even be a voice on the line to hold on to. how do i hold on to you?


(the non-emo me says: "with a lasso lah!")

solitude

i'd like a little bit of clarity and solitude, please.

yep, sounds about right.

the geek part, i mean. :P

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall part for the geek. If you're looking for love, consider spending a little more time studying up in the library. To you, there's nothing more attractive than intelligence, shyness, and kindness; your future love may have four eyes and zero social skills, but he'll make up for it in brains and heart.
	You would fall part for the gentleman. Keep an eye out for your love at your next formal or field trip to the opera. Watch out for bad boys who walk on the inside of the curb and don't hold the door for you, and you'll end up with the guy who's suave, sophisticated, and classy through-and-through.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com