sometimes

y'know, sometimes i feel stupid for wanting to make things easier for the other person. it would look like i'm the bad guy, making last-minute changes in plans when in fact those plans weren't even set up proper.

>_<

smile

all i can do is to smile and be gracious...

hope

i'm hoping against hope that he'd actually bade his fare-thee-wells after i called and had rushed to try to meet me. <: (

he mumbled something about having classified stuff that he can't tell me about.


what's that got to do with playing games online and failing to .. >_<

i'm too tired to contemplate this.


all i wanted was to hold him to sleep.

replacements

wow... when one somehow, just somehow (don't ask me how) just manages to miss the chance to make it all okay, another one actually sms-es me out of nowhere to ask if i'd like to meet.

"what, now?" i'd asked. "but i'm bleary-eyed."

"it's alright even if you're cock-eyed," he'd said.


and i wish i didn't have to compete with someone in a virtual world. i've lost him.

another shot

oh, goodness me, i'd been reading her story, THIS ONE.

and this is the best bit of it all:

31st May 2007

Post Script: Impromptu Interview With Marlboro Man
Date: Yesterday
Place: The Pioneer Living Room
Pioneer Woman: Honey, in ten words or less, what do you remember about the first meal I cooked for you?
Marlboro Man: I really hated it. But I really liked you.

from thepioneerwoman.com

this is a true story, chronicled by The Pioneer Woman (name's Ree), who's married to someone she calls The Marlboro Man - not that he smokes, but rather that he looks like the chap on marlboro cig boxes.

that's right, he's a real cowboy.

here, i've happily copied it right off HER WEBSITE. i promise you this is one great love story. and Marlboro Man - he is so macho.

Black Heels to Tractor Wheels: A Love Story. Part XXXIII
Apr. 25, 2008

We spent the morning driving, my Marlboro Man and me. We drove around the hidden places and the far reaches of his family’s ranch: through rippling creeks, across innumerable cattle guards, over this hill, past that thicket of trees. All of this in search of the ideal spot for us to start our lives together. Marlboro Man liked the house in which he’d been living, but it was far removed from the heart of the ranch and he’d always planned to set up a more permanent spot somewhere. That we were now engaged to be married made it the perfect time for him to make the transition. I always liked his house; it was rustic and unadorned, yet beautiful in its simplicity. I could live there. Or I could live in another house. Or I could live in his pickup, or in his barn, or in a tee-pee in a pasture…just as long as he was there. But he wanted to drive and look together, so we drove. And we looked. And we held hands. And we talked. And somewhere along the way, in the bright morning sunshine, Marlboro Man stopped his pickup under the shade of a tree, crossed the great divide between our leather bucket seats, and grabbed me in a sexy, warm embrace. And we sat there and kissed, like two teenagers parked at a drive-in. A drive-in in 1958, though. Before the sexual revolution. Before Cinemax, though my mind remained very much in the 1990’s. It was hard to practice restraint in the pickup that morning.

We did, though, ending our make-out fest within minutes instead of hours, which would have been my choice. But we had a lifetime ahead. Things to do. Cattle guards to cross, and we continued our drive, checking out some of the more obvious locations we might one day call our home. We started at the Home Place—the quaint, modest homestead where his grandfather used to live back when he was a newly married rancher just beginning to raise a family. The well-maintained road on which we drove wasn’t always there, Marlboro Man told me, and when any amount of rain would fall, his grandmother would find herself trapped at the Home Place for days because of the roaring, impassable creek. His grandmother had been a city girl much like me, Marlboro Man said, and had resisted living on the ranch at the beginning. But because she wanted to marry his grandfather, she’d bitten the bullet and made the move.

“How sweet,” I replied. “Did she eventually wind up liking it?”

“Well, she tried to,” he said. “But the first time she got on a horse my grandpa laughed at her.” Marlboro Man explained. “She got off and said that was the last time she was ever riding a horse.” Malrboro Man chuckled his signature chuckle.

“Oh…hmmm,” I said, smiling nervously. “Well, how long did it take her to get used to it?”

“Well, she never really did,” Marlboro Man said. “They eventually moved to town and bought a house.” He chuckled again.

I looked out the window, twirling my hair. Something about the Home Place didn’t seem like the best fit.

We continued our drive, not making any permanent decisions that day about where we’d live. We’d been engaged less than 24 hours, after all; there was no huge rush. When we finally returned to his house, we curled up on his couch and watched a movie. Gone With the Wind, of all things. He was a fan. And as I lay there that afternoon and watched the South crumble around Scarlett O’Hara’s knees for what had to have been the 304th time in my life, I touched the arms that held me so sweetly and securely…and I sighed contently, wondering how on earth I’d ever found this person.
______________________

Meanwhile, word of our engagement had begun to spread through my hometown of 35,000, thanks in no small part to My Retarded Brother, Mike, and his patented Bullhorn Approach to announcing our engagement at the mall the day before. My return to my hometown after living in Los Angeles had been somewhat noteworthy, since I’d always given off the air—sometimes obnoxiously so—of someone who thought she belonged in a larger, more cosmopolitan locale. The fact that I would now be hanging up my L.A.-acquired black pumps to move to an isolated ranch in the middle of nowhere was enough to raise a few eyebrows. I could almost hear the whispers through the grapevine.

“Ree? Is getting married?”

“Seriously? She’s marrying a rancher?”

“She’s going to live in the COUNTRY?”

“I can’t picture Ree…riding a horse.”

“She’s the last person I would ever imagine in the country.”

“Whatever happened to her California boyfriend..?”

________________________________

When he walked me to my car late that afternoon, minutes after Scarlett declared tomorrow another day. Marlboro Man backed me up against the driver side door and rested his hands lightly on my waist. He caressed my rib cage up and down, touching his forehead to mine and closing his eyes—as if he were recording the moment in his memory. And it tickled like crazy, his fingertips on my ribs, but I didn’t care; I was engaged to this man, I told myself, and there’ll likely be much rib caressing and forehead touching in the future. I needed to harden myself to its deathgrip, I told myself. I needed to toughen up, to be able to withstand such onslaughts of romance without my knees buckling beneath me and without my forgetting my mother’s maiden name and who my first grade teacher was. I needed to practice now, I told myself, to desensitize myself to its power. Otherwise I had lots of years of trouble—and decreased productivity—ahead. So I stood there and took it, closing my eyes as well and trying with all my might to will away the ticklish sensations. They had no place here. Begone, Satan! Ree, hold still.

My mind won, and we stood there and hugged and kissed and thumbed our nose at the reality that we were two separate bodies…and the western sun behind us changed from yellow to orange to pink to a brilliant, impossible red—the same color as the fire between us.
______________________

On the drive home, my whole torso felt warm, tingly, right. Like you’ve awakened from the most glorious dream you’ve ever had, when you’re still half-in, half-out and you still feel the dream and it’s still real. I forced myself to think, to look around me, to take it all in. One day, I told myself as I drove down that rural county road, I’m going to be driving down a road like this to run to the grocery store in town…or pick up the mail on the highway…or take my kids to cello lessons.

Cello lessons? That would be possible, right? Or ballet? Surely there was an academy nearby.

We’d casually thrown some wedding dates around: August? September? October? When the weather was cool again. When shipping was over. When we could relax and celebrate and enjoy a nice, long honeymoon without the pressures of cattle work. Our wedding would likely be months and months away, which was fine with me. It would take me that long to address enough invitations for his side of the family, what with the cousins and uncles and aunts and extended relatives, all who seemed to live within a fifty mile radius, all of whom would want to celebrate the first wedding in Marlboro Man’s immediately family—a family who’d been rocked by the tragic death of the oldest son some twenty years before. And it would take me that long to break away from my old life, to cut the cord between my former and future selves.

Just then the phone in my car rang loudly. It was my sister, Betsy, who’d been visiting our parents’ house for the past 24 hours.

“Mom just saw Carolyn at the gift shop,” Betsy laughed. “She said she’d just heard about you getting engaged and she could not BELIEVE you were actually going to be living in the country…” We both laughed, knowing this was going to become a regular thing.

I couldn’t blame anyone for their judgments. And actually, I heartily agreed. I’d been the quintessential country club kid; Throughout my seventh-fairway childhood, I’d scampered across the golf course at will, jumping over rolling golf balls, just to take a dip in the pool. I’d used just about every sand trap on the golf course as my own personal sand box, sometimes even leaving my toys sticking through the surface for golfers to find. I’d been voted Best Dressed in seventh grade, and didn’t think it was the least bit strange that the junior high school I attended would even sanction such an award. (I won Class Clown, too, but tried to downplay it as much as I could.) And once I’d hit eighteen, I’d fled that place, my hometown of 35,000, at the earliest convenience, bailing on my lifelong friends in favor for Los Angeles, which seemed oh, so large—large enough for me to find what I was looking for.

So I couldn’t blame them for having their doubts. And the truth was, I still didn’t even know what it would all mean. Country life? It was still The Big Unknown to me. I closed my eyes and tried to reconcile my future—a future in an as yet unidentified house, likely at the end of an as yet unidentified dusty gravel road far away from restaurants and shops and makeup counters—with my citified, self-absorbed past. I just couldn’t see it; I had no idea what even to picture in my mind. What would I do every day? What time would I have to get out of bed? Would there be chickens involved? Though I’d dated Marlboro Man for some time, I’d never really spent the night with him…I’d never woken up to his schedule and watched how it all played out once his feet hit the floor. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do with him in the morning. Would I eat Grape Nuts in front of him, or wait ’til he left for the office? Wait—he didn’t even have an office. Would I go to work with him, or would I have to spend the day scrubbing clothes on the washboard…and hanging them on a clothesline? Where would Bounce come into play? If I sat still, my mind wandered and eventually, took over. And all the stereotypes I’d ever heard about country life swam around in my mind like a school of a million tiny fish. For some reason, I was completely powerless to shake them.

I finally arrived back home and entered my house. Betsy had gone out with friends from high school and when I walked into the kitchen I saw it—the elephant in the room: The door leading to the family room was closed; my parents were on the other side. The air was thick and suffocating and oppressive. I could actually see what normally would be intangible: tension, strife, conflict, pain. And just like that, I was split in two—giddy and fizzy and ecstatic about my future with Marlboro Man…and simultaneously, devastated and filled with doom and dread over the knowledge that the very fabric of my soul—my stable, normal, happy family life—was being ripped to shreds before my eyes. How could this perfect, shiny house have spiraled downward into such a den of death and destruction? That it happened to coincide with my finding the greatest love of my life had to be a joke.

Dragging up to my room, I kicked off my shoes and curled up on the soft chair next to my bed. I so wanted to leave, to avoid the whole godforsaken mess altogether. It was my parents’ problem, after all; I certainly had no power to reunite them. This should have liberating, but instead all I could think about was how on earth I’d be able to negotiate the next several months of my engagement. I could see it all in front of me—a never-ending, schizophrenic cycle of euphoric highs from being with my beloved…and abysmal lows the second I walked back into my parents’ house. I didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the contrast.

Suddenly, he called. He called as he always did after we’d spent the day together. He called to say Goodnight, I had a good time today, What are you doing tomorrow, I love you. His calls were a panacea; they instantly lifted me, reassured me, healed me, made me smile. Tonight’s call was no different.

“Hey, you,” he said, his gravelly voice reaching new heights of sexiness.

“Hey,” I said, quietly sighing. Feeling instantly better.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Sitting here,” I answered. “And thinking...”

“What about?” he said.

“I was thinking…” I began, hesitating for a moment. “I was thinking…that I want to elope.”

Marlboro Man chuckled at first. But when he realized I wasn’t laughing, he stopped. And for what seemed like an hour, we both sat on the phone in utter silence.


To be continued…

can anything be more beautiful? my heart aches just reading this, wanting this.

the rest of the chronicled story can be HERE.

ode to rice

y'know, during this period in which rice shortages are splashed across websites, newspapers and the wires i discover that i am in love with rice.

i have a sneaking suspicion that it's something to do with my lineage.


i find myself craving rice more. the way i actively seek out rice dishes near my workplace during lunchtime is... amusing, if you were to see the efforts i go to to get myself rice during then. i'd actually go to work dressed up in office wear so i can squirrel myself into upscale shopping malls' staff canteens to get myself some.

the reason of doing that is not really to satisfy my appetite for faux espionage (ie cheap thrills). on the contrary. i look at it as this is something i do in order to get desired results (rice for lunch) with least amount of trouble. imagine being looked over by the malls' sales staff due to my outfit of jeans shirt and jacket, deemed "highly suspicious", get hauled out by security without my rice. then being barred from that place for good.

so why do i go to all that trouble? i mean, it may well sound like putting on a spacesuit so you can go get cereal from the NASA canteen.

it may sound odd to you, but eating warm, cooked rice feels makes me feel loved. not just any kind of rice, neither.

it's got to be plain, white rice. and warm. cooked by a chinese woman. who speaks broken english. sorta.

then it has to be eaten indoors, at a private spot - "private spot" - like my office desk. or at home, in my own room, or at the dinner table at my aunt's. away from strangers, i suppose. i hardly eat around strangers and if i did, they'll soon realise that i do not have a tendency to speak at mealtimes and conversations will become stilted*. give me beer with potato wedges though, and you'll have a yakker on your hands, stranger or no.

not that i'm much of a beer drinker, but beer and wedges**... don't say i didn't warn you.

so. rice!

consumed in private = that luvvin' feelin'

(i must've been living by myself for too long.)


* unless with family. then there will be sparing conversation.

** the beer will probably be left virtually untouched, but it makes me happy to have beer right in front of me. it's a quirk that'll probably get me crucified by beer worshippers anywhere.

do's and don'ts

blues

i thought i knew a thing or two about the blues until i chanced upon this website (i was searching for online instruction on singing) - and realise there's more to singing the blues than just singing the blues.

can you believe it, the blues can only be sung if certain conditions are present.

here's one:
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

here's another one:
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brulee.


and the hilarious rest, can be found HERE.

facial

i went for a facial today.

finally! it felt good, the "extraction" (what they call SQUEEZE THINE PIMPLES) wasn't painful but they were effective - lovely. the mask made me feel alive, that one, because it was so cold! the air-conditioning made it even more so, and it was nice. it was almost like being kissed by snowflakes in winter while warmly dressed - or at least that's how i imagined it to be. :)

it was nice. i felt prettier, cleaner... fresher. less ..pocked. not that i was very pocked to start with, but you get my meaning.


it felt like i have now "a new face," to start anew with. yeahhh facials are good. just get it done by a lady if you want it thorough but get it done by a lad if you hope to get some freebie.

i got my freebie. -chuckle-

meh

i am putting together a plan...

to become the person i was and more, not the person i am afraid of becoming. i wonder how that'd work. :)

i'm so excited to see how it goes!

trade

i don't judge. i only speak of what i feel, how i feel about things.

rather, i'm trying hard not to judge and i think i'm succeeding, that's why i can be "not mad". discernment is different from judgement.. and no, i'm not trying to defend myself.

well, read this however you want to, but i'm tired out. i never knew fatigue can feel like this - so natural, a little healing cause somehow i know healing's on the way. i don't know from whom, or what, but i know i will feel better, have reason to be joyous.

those who read my blog and don't understand and think i'm trying to gain sympathy, please leave. even if you're a friend, a close friend. this is the time when i need your understanding most - if you're not going to encourage me, cheer me on - please leave. if you're going to be brusque or are going to be stony in silence, please leave.

i do not wish to alienate, my purpose is simply to recuperate, as quickly as i can. if you're not going to be of help, or want to be of help, then i suggest you go. cause that's not what friends are for.

being unhelpful and tough love - very different things. i hope you can discern which is which.

i don't like being like this, neither. everybody loves a ray of sunshine, but who catches the rain when it falls?


..thank you jasmine, for being unjudgemental about my weakness. i appreciate that, deeply.

addition

lol

no... i didn't stay long enough for the band to turn up. i actually turned tail and ran!

what, a man?? i know i've to have fun but a "brand new" man?? ^^'

there are too many who i don't know what to do with! let it be someone i know what to do with, please. heck, can't i have too many of those i KNOW what to do with, instead of those i just don't know what to do with??

pfft. terms and conditions apply.


(two days later, the blog reads: "ohkay, i eat my words... brand new men - goooode"... LOL)

cafe

today i went to the cafe, after a full day out. apparently the girls thought i'd be he first amongst us to be married, for some reason. i hope it was only because i seemed very in love.

anyways. the cafe owner thought "two months is too long!" - and decided i should stay to listen to the band. haha!

"you have to come out in order to meet the tall dark handsome," she said.


that woman makes me smile :)

my family

my family.. has often been a source of grief.

this time though, i hope it will be different. i hope, and i pray, that my father will come back. "come back".

be my father again. bring us joy again, instead of grief, anger, jealousy.


may The Lord bring us together again. amen.

music

listening to music helps. sometimes it is easier hearing the words i'd say but couldn't find. heh.

classical music, acid jazz, random pop songs and soft rock. having a radio built into one's mobile phone has never been a greater blessing. and i count the blessings in my life.

understanding

dear you,

i understand that i may have caused worry with my previous posts, and ..i'm sorry i caused you worry. maybe you can rest easier now: i have come to an understanding that... well, it takes two to tango. maybe i'll be doing a ballet solo, maybe i'll be dirty dancing.

i don't know.

i do know that whatever it is, i have found the courage to let go, live and let live. i'm scared shitless about having to dance alone; the weight of all that empty space on "stage" can be so frightening. but i also understand that i cannot force an unwilling party to dance.

thus. please be assured that i will continue to dance and not fall dead off the stage. however hard or easy it is, i will continue to dance, and i will make it graceful and joyous, the best ways i know how.

yours sincerely,
me

consolation from the radio

it's only pain, by katie melua

It's only pain
It only hurts
I am only down on the floor
Where I have been before
And I'll be here again
Though it hurts to lose you
It's only pain

We went so far
We flew so high
Now it's not easy
To watch it die
To just let go
And not ask the reason way
It won't matter anymore

It's only pain
It only hurts
I am only down on the floor
Where I have been before
And I'll be here again
Though it hurts to lose you
It's only pain

It's not my style
It's not my way
To see the future
In shades of grey
Though I still can't bring myself to say
That you don't matter anymore

It's only pain
It only hurts
I am only down on the floor
Where I have been before
And I'll be here again
Though it hurts to lose you
It's only pain
It's only pain

bad news

this is bad.

today, today i really really wanted to kill myself. i thought it was only during the pms that i would feel that bad. that was a few days ago.

i think that i might be spiralling out of control. now i know how britney feels, haha.


friends, please forgive me if i were to call you suddenly. i do not want to be like this, i will do my best to not harass anyone. and junwei, while it is true that it is mainly our currently-dysfunctional relationship that contributed to this - if i really do kill myself, please don't think of it as your fault.

you couldn't have helped me if you tried. i know, and i understand.

know that i've thought and still do think of you as my soulmate, that i love you loads.


meanwhile, this is an obstacle that i must cross. i hope to know myself even better after this.

reasons

i said i hate it because i missed your touch.

i miss you, still. i don't know if you still read this, but even if i were talking to thin air i'd still imagine you reading my thoughts, smiling as you read these words from me, telling you that i love you and am thinking of you.

i still cry sometimes, wishing we were the way we were before the army came along.

but then, we know more about each other at this point in time than back then. for that i am glad. while "the newer parts about you" aren't all good (neither are they all bad, for that matter) - i find myself accepting that these are all parts of you.

i know that you have your quirks/issues, i understand. i have mine, too.


i just wish i could hold you again and feel like i were holding you, like you're really here.

i love you darling, i do. with all my heart. because you move me.

frustration

okay, i admit it. i'm frustrated by the fact that you still don't know how to behave around me, despite still loving me!

how is that even possible????


it makes me not know how to behave around you. :((( i hate it.

can't you just love me??

emo wall

poor wall.

Wedding Dance

my wedding dance will be like this!

for a broken-hearted friend

at 4:30pm today

Friend says: back frm e doc
Me says: yah back from some time already
Friend says: wat did e doc say
Me says: nothing
Me says: lol
Me says: well he said soemthing but i was too distracted by his cute looks to actually remember
Me says: LOL
Friend says: diaoz

i feel...

like cheese. so i went and cut myself a sliver of cheese from the little slice of blue cheese i bought a few days ago. yumm :)

i wish there were someone to share it with but given as there is no one else, i'm happy to eat it myself. ^^

charlie

PLEASE BRACE YOURSELVES. you'll see why.

words

dear you,

i know there are times when i am not on my best behaviour; there are times when i didn't know how to better receive what you mean for me, to me. slowly, i see and i realise that. i'm sorry it took me so long.

there are a lot of things that i do not know about that goes on in your life, work and otherwise.

i just want you to know that, if ever you feel like you aren't "good enough", for work, for love, for etc etc etc -


i believe in you.



..i believe in you.

today, as i was walking towards the bus stop from my workplace i had to cross the road, there was this maid who was walking this dog - and they were walking in front of me.

the only thing i could notice was the dog's balls...

this is a person who will drive himself aground.

for you

asian

no, i cannot take "the asian way".

words unspoken are actions not fulfilled. sometimes, just sometimes, words equate action.

beautiful sad rock song

beautiful rock song.

by emiliana torrini. enjoy!

Dog Years

video that made me cry

eeyer

eeyer. so depressing.

change song change song! >_<

listening to music, sitting in my chair

i got back from wherever today, and now i'm sitting here, perched on my wooden chair in front of the computer, listening to bobby darin drawl the song "i'm beginning to see the light".. and i'm missing someone.

here, too is love

and this one, is done by someone who calls herself BD.

this is love.

aye, this is love. written by a pioneer woman.

back

Me says: (20:54:33) if you hadn't been scaring me then i wouldn't be scared
Me says: (20:54:38) like now
Someone says: (20:55:14) :/
Someone says: (20:56:06) okies, have to go for a bit now
Someone says: (20:56:18) ttyl~

-snip-

Me says: (21:39:32) : +
when're you coming back?

The following message could not be delivered:
Me says: (21:39:32) : +
when're you coming back?

chris

me: 你问我会不会怕。不会，因为我已经变成了洋葱：没心，也只会让人哭。
chris: 我知道。
me: 知道了还玩？
me: 你对我好其实只是因为你得不到...　你得到了就不对我好，不要我了。我不想这样。
chris: If this is how you think. I can't say any thing. Right?
me: 可能吧。我很痛，真的很痛。痛到不知道要跟谁说，要说什么。感觉就像被风一吹就吹倒的人。这样的我... 谁敢要？
me: 不好意思，我可能是累了，才说这么多傻话。我睡了；晚安！
chris: 我 lor.
chris: Good night n Sweet dreams.

next morning

chris: feeling better?

...okay, trying to look like the emo-wreck didn't work. -_-

日本の形−茶

this is what elegance looks like.

this is what fear looks like

oh, my, god.

look at this piece of writing, by bobbie johnson! the indignance! the cruel, sparkling wit!

he's lancing someone through with words and all i can think of when i read his entry is that this man is brilliant!

closely followed by i want to have his kids.


brr. wait. i should at least wait till i find out if he's gay.

HARRY POTTER IN THE HOOD with LYRICS

WAAAAHOOOOO!

damn nice. this is what JASMINE the ghetto queen will luuuurve!

conversation

Friend: anyway, it's an old problem... bad habit that i need to kick
Me: hmmm
Me: y'know, sometimes when you aren't the one with the problems
Me: the other person will have the problems. i'm just not sure if your wanting to let go of "baggage" - for lack of a less offensive term - is necessary
Me: cause i think the reason why you're doing this is because your guy's not around and you want attention, like any neglected woman wants attention
Me: and with different guys, there will be different baggages that come up
Me: it's just that sometimes a person is more prone to using the same "defence mechanism" to deal with it
Me: if it's become damaging to the relationship, then okay, have to drop. but that does not mean the source of the issue (his side also) has been resolved.
Me: "resolved"
Me: for this particular one (in your case) i think it might be a chicken and egg
Friend: yeah
Friend: agree
Me: ..does it.. yeah. i was about to ask if it makes sense when i put it like that
Friend: i dont deny that fact that this is chicken n egg prob
Friend: at same time, i believe one party has to initiate willingness for a change..
Friend: mayb this case, i hope i can b strong enough to do that for him
Friend: though i know it's really not easy.. im almost struggling here.. but i guess till now, im still willing to make effort for this change
Me: yeah. i just hope he's appreciative. i too am willing to make the change... but guess what... he didn't want that change.
Friend: ya.. i know.. that's why i didnt even attempt to 'talk' u out of ur decision...
Friend: if he doesnt even want it, n it's not worth it, fighting so hard for both of u.. n fighting it alone..
Me: haha
Me: tough, no?
Friend: tough for wanting to make things better?
Me: actually, yeah.

politely quiet

it would seem that the issue does not just come from me.

read: i'm not crazy! woo!

forced

today, i came home from a day of cross-border running around chasing anwar's shirttails, to remember that hey, i forgot to pay rent - so i went ahead and paid it.

then when the money was being carefully counted then folded by my landlady - like how an obvious trap unfolds in a horror movie because the scene is just too quiet - the house caretaker nonchalantly mentioned "the phone that i'd given ('given') to my maid is very hard to use."

i immediately knew something was up, considering i had intended to throw that phone away personally or burn it because it was 1) faulty and 2) holds digital mementos that will undoubtedly stir up memories.

- the house "care taker" (but the landlord's "buddy")continued, "also, there is the addressbook and other information inside it, you better clear!"

suffice to say, i was not happy. it is obvious that he'd gone through my phonebook, my sms-es, and of course, my photos in the phone. and i'm not being paranoid - this is the person who'd go through a person's BANK BOOK just because he (the previous tenant) accidentally left it behind. the house "care taker".

ahem, let me say that again. the house "care taker".

pui!


so i politely but grimly asked the maid for the phone, raced upstairs with it and deleted, one by painful one, the pictures that i'd taken from more than one year ago.

oh look, that's him before he got his hair shorn, on that island i'd rather not mention.

hey, that's me when i had longer, rebonded hair. how together we looked, how ha... how happy. despite him going into the army that day, we looked happy.


right.

there was no way to "select all" and there certainly was no "delete selected" options in the phone. so ...yes, i was forced.

one.

by.

painful.

one.


...then came the sms-es. i don't know which is worse. seeing us happy together, or reading the three words from very nearly 1 year ago.

"i love you," he wrote, on 13th march, 2007.


"i love you."

"i've decided that you're The One," i'd replied.



it's almost hilarious as i imagine watching myself from a short distance away, right now. i've my face mask on, a quick facial - the mask must have cracked but moisture would've muddied some parts of it. i must look a sight.

yeah, a greenish, cracked-up, muddied sight. almost hilarious.

心

心一被切半，就不叫心了。

只有全心全意，没一心半意，更没有三心两意。被切半的心，就不叫心了。


我的心，没了。

one love, one life

mmm, i think i'll wait.

without his asking, i will wait.


because what we had would have been a waste of time - if i were to let it go like that - especially when i know that he still cares for me. i care for him, too. he's not a bad person... in fact i think he's great. he'll grow up to be a magnificent man, that i know.

but.. meanwhile... i think this is it, world. this is the person i'm going to marry. sure, he's got his bad points and his personality's still forming... but i think we can make it work.

mmm. as for how i know it... it's strange, but i hadn't the heart to give to anyone else. it is not with me. so... as far as suitors and matchmaking goes... ^^'

心不在我这儿。

today, 4pm

i find my thoughts drifting back to him, for some reason. i wanted to sms him, tell him i miss him dearly, that i would want nothing more than to call him tonight, if no more than to hear him speak.

i wanted to tell him that i care for him in my sms, that i wish he were done with NS, that i know how getting through shit can be, but for the sake of knowing more about yourself, to learn more about yourself... to really become a man now, i think it is worth the two years. i wanted to tell him that yes, i see the boy-man in him now, no longer just a boy but more a man now, that the change is really happening, i can see it...

it was all i could do to hold it all in and force my mind down by the throat to concentrate on archiving.


i wanted to call him dear again.

that's a thought that made me sigh, for lack of a more indulgent expression at the given time.

"so what if i called him 'dear'," i argued internally. "he may ignore it like i ignored it, and choose to be polite, like i chose to be polite."

now, on an impulse, i sent him that question. i regretted it the very next moment, fearing a polite but cheerful answer.

well, to continue with my tale from the afternoon... and i didn't sms about those words i had in my mind. i daren't.


i tried to look for a reason as to why i should be feeling that way - could he be in trouble, was he missing me and therefore i by proxy am feeling shoddy? ..no, that's rubbish.

or is there a part of me that's not really "right", like say, i need to pee and i didn't realise it - and i'm therefore irritable/twitchy/whatnot? ...no i just had my loo break and lunch was just an hour ago...

and so i was like that for a while. i know how it can be to be in his position, i really do. i was like that and good heavens, it was all i could do to remember to breathe. it's never a good time to call. call me and you get shot. sms me and you'll get a quick response fired off in literal record time, assuming i have the time to respond, if i were to decide to trade that extra nanosecond's worth of breathing time to respond.


so yes, i do know how it feels and i want to be there for him. the same way he was there for me, i want to be there for him.

he'd endured my short-fused temper (due to serious stress) and he'd endured my boss's nastiness peripherally with me, when i needed him most. i also hurt him the most when he was there for me and i have never forgotten it. i have never forgotten those days when he very simply stayed with me. he was there, there and there again, for me.

i remember those, and i love him for it. and it is my turn, now. because i realise just how similar his situation was with mine, from that last email.

how that last email hurt!


and how it must have hurt him. if i were in position to make it all better, the way he needed it to be better. if i knew how, i would do it.

i would!

email

hm. i was checking and clearing mail when i stumbled onto his most recent email to me.

i honestly did - do - not know what to do with it. :/


delete it? keep it? where?

phonecalls and sms-es

i woke up this morning to a pleasant 5 sms-es, each wishing me happy birthday. it was a lovely way to wake up.. almost like waking up to see a beloved's face sleeping next to mine :)

anyhoos, i've had a Trusted Friend wanting to introduce me to "a hunk". he's christian, had education in noo yawk, and from what i see (if that's him) has a goatee.


-snip-

well, i ended up having dinner with a friend of mine instead, but damn i wish i had the chance to sit in my Trusted Friend's spanking new car! no automobile cherry for me, it seems.

..but well. it was a really nice day, today.

wonder

i wonder though, will i find one whom i will just... love?


junwei was like that for me, until the army, of course.

don't think the fault lies with him, really. it's the fact that i didn't know about his schedules enough to begin with, and as a result, think that he's not trying. the "email of doom" (as he had called one of my previous emails) actually shed a lot of light on the matter, how his schedules are.

he has explained it to me before, i'm sure, but muffled phone conversations and high speed talking makes it very much harder to absorb and retain relevant information. i wish he'd written about this to me earlier, instead of me having to run a pitchfork at him and forcing him to tell me something when he already has.

...of course i didn't really run a pitchfork at him. what do you think i am, a farmer??

having said that though, it felt like i was indeed running at him at that point (see squeezing water from stone remark in previous post). i'm glad it's all stopped now. come to think of it, when things were still "fine" and we're still able to talk and enjoy the talk... why haven't those things been written down and emailed? (oh, right. there was no need. hm.)

'cause one thing i realised about most singaporeans/some malaysians is that they talk quickly. you will understand how quickly they talk when you have to transcribe speeches. another one is that they can (and usually do) begin a sentence about one topic then have change trajectory midway and have it end up not having a concrete conclusion.

this is true even for some government high officials during trade talks - and the best bit is that they're reading from their papers. thankfully junwei stays on the path and his ideas connect... but his talking speed is oh my god bullet train.

hehe


sometimes it's just amusing to imagine him talking to an ah beng peng (ah beng soldier). hahahhahahahha

maybe that's why he uses hand signals and one-word commands. hey, i don't know. maybe they have reached an advanced stage wherein "get me the chicken rice" is being expressed with miming the chicken with a hand after saying in a very macho manner: "rice".

the "get me the" part of the sentence goes unsaid because it's already been established... LOL

...


nahhhhh. he's not like that. hahahahaha

but jokes aside, i think the way he expressed himself with me was fine, before he went to the army. he held me close often, held my hands and kissed me tenderly - that's all i needed to know that he loves me. no words were needed, then. it did get a little stilted when we did chat though. that was what got me concerned.. it is alright when things are fine but when bad things start to happen, the ability and/or willingness to talk things through with the other is crucial.

listening too, is important. listen to the things that are said and as importantly, listen for the things that aren't said. i heard too much from the "unsaid side"...


i still think that there must at least be some form of aural foothold before proper "listening to the unsaid" can happen. otherwise static builds up and funny ideas will generate. or if i were stronger, lock emotional needs kicking and screaming into the closet under the staircase and trust that he loves - loved - me, that will call and/or sms when he can.

knowing myself then, i would have required more.


well, now that that's said and come to pass, i still think it would've been better if he wrote his thoughts down. at least then i would have known and have something to hold on to when he cannot be around.

welp, it's another good day. a few more good days and i'll be back to my cocky, funny and laughing self.

taking stock

hmm, now that i'm finally free, what have i learnt from it all?

1) that i am capable of loving someone.
2) that i am a bitch when i don't see enough of someone, which probably pushes them farther away.
3) that i am capable of forgiving, remembering most of the good memories and not much of the bad ones.
4) that i am resilient.
5) that my core being is a love-able person, and am very worthy of love.
6) be gracious and accept his expressions of love. if he expresses, he expresses. if he doesn't, don't press it.
7) singaporean/malaysian men are equivalents of The Batu (malay word) when it comes to verbal expressions: you'll have to squeeze water out of them before they'll speak. and then it'll be a grouchy one about how you've been squeezing them.


hmm. if you're together with a man who is not good at expressing but found out too late, well. it's a little bit like having a husband who really snores, i suppose. the only way to get over it is to love him.

whim

right, i'd changed the site address from emolystuffed to emolyspeaking. i think the latter is more palatable, less negative and more objective.

:) no closing of blogs. love will continue to be a wonderful thing!

morning after

i thought i'd be devastated today, but no leh? hmm. very strange, but very fortunate.

odd thing was the tears were running like the tap just before i checked my mail and read the email - but i didn't know what i was crying for at the time. i felt fine emotionally, but my eyes for some reason were trying to simulate the great ganges river.

it's a little ironic how this is one of the rare times that he responded in a longer email that allowed me better, more complete understanding of his schedule and life in the army.

anyway, i felt fine after i felt "the knife" and ..i feel fine now.


-big smile-

time for bed

okay, time for bed.

i just read the email, felt the knife twist and having it pulled out. it is complete.

says my invisible angel 2

you're everyone's loren but nobody's pei. but that's alright, right?

you know who you are, and that's all there is to it. you'll be your own pei, eh?


hush, now. it's alright. it's going to be alright. chin up now, deep breath. it's going to be alright, i promise. it's going to be alright.

says my invisible angel

nah, happiness isn't hard.

in fact, it's easy. just do like i do, pei; hold my hands and learn to fly, again.


here, you're doing great. now, again.

a little bit of love

There are people who have no trouble
In expressing what they feel
For me it's never been that bad
It's just the way I've always been

I often try to tell my friends
‘Bout the effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near
My heart is weak

It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy

You have in your hands, my light of love
And in your eyes, all that I've missed
What more could I expect from life
Than your loving and tender kiss

And they can talk about paradise
And all the dreams that are to be
I laugh and doubt it could compare
To the effect you have on me

There are no words, no reasons why
The tears that sometimes fill my eyes
They're only tears of happiness
It's only fear of losing you

I often try to tell my friends
‘bout this effect you have on me
I don't know why
I can't explain
When you are near my heart is weak

It spins around my head and then
Recalls your fingers down my spine
It goes away, comes back again
Makes me cry, it makes me shy

Only your voice can bring me peace
Only your touch can bring me joy
What more should I expect from this life
When so many people
Still search for love

I know I never will explain
This effect you have on me
But if I have on you the same
We'll be in love
Eternally

happy

y'know, i just want to be happy. i just want to feel loved, have a friend i can buy things for, go out with, take catnaps with and sometimes have a "cute" lil tiffs with.


meanwhile, though, i just want to be happy. that's not hard, is it?

blamed?

i am writing this because i do not understand something, not because i'm upset or happy or... hey, maybe the answer will come to me as i write.

i don't understand why he feels blamed. :/

he said i made it hard for him to love me. because of my sms-es and how i'm always complaining about him each time he calls.

these are how they sounded to me when i heard them: emotionless, pointed. i said my defense as i usually do, albeit more lembek than usual - maybe that's what he wanted: someone who expresses herself in a more half-hearted kinda way.

the reason why i say this is because he actually talked to me during our conversation, or, i don't know. maybe he felt forced... he is brusque when talking to me these days... it does make talking to him harder. i feel like i've to fight him instead of the issues i am calling to fight with him about, hand-in-hand, to solve. talking softly with him probably went out the window and what remained was probably the option of talking to him.

being brushed off at the end of the conversations with "i'm in public/with company right now, bye" is becoming more and more common, too... and today i hear that i make it hard for him to love me... i honestly would've been devastated.


do you know that it's hard for me too, dealing with the issues at large by myself and not daring to be sure of how to start (on the phone) with him? even when i know i just want to call and say more than hi? the best i can be is to sound confident, like i've my shit together.

and i don't call him if i can help it, given that there are quite a few considerations i have to go through before i even pick up the phone. if you think about it, it's almost like i were buying a new computer the way i weigh the pros and cons...

why is it so complicated? it is a simple call. it's either you call or you do not, right?


well, actually no. it's not that simple.

here are some of the questions i go through.


1) can i handle it? (no, next question. yes means i don't call)
2) what time is it? is it suitable? (yes, next question. no means i bite a hanky but i don't call... though the ironic thing is that i don't know if it's a suitable time at any given time.)
3) could he be in the middle of something, in front of his recruits where he shouldn't use his phone, outfield where i can't get him anyway..?
4) is he having lunch/dinner because he usually gets stalled and makan-time as a result gets encroached upon. it's usually precious and i don't want him to have indigestion... believe it or not, i deeply appreciated the two times when he skipped dinner to slip a call to me. "the sacrifices i make," he'd say. haha
5) ...does he just have "company"..?

so basically what i've got on my hands is "call if you want to get him into trouble/encroach on his already-limited free time", or "press this button, he dies if he's unlucky". yah, it's a bit like playing russian roulette.

as a result i don't call more often than i do, because it doesn't get pass them questions. true enough, i find out today that hey, i nearly got him into trouble calling him two days ago. it's a bit tragic really, that a call is suddenly more complicated than writing a letter.



i therefore didn't quite know whether to laugh or cry when he said to me, "why didn't you just call?" when i told him i didn't know what to do when i was missing him very much and shit happened during our conversation earlier today...

well, if i were to call without first going through the list, it usually means i'm at the part where the label reads "i can't help it anymore" (ie spilt out of my threshold). i'm almost always upset and/or in tears at that point in time; so i call because i know - i just know - that he can make it better... because he is gentle in manner and most of all he loved me despite me being the imperfect, weak person that i am... to have him feel like i'm dumping emo-thrash on him.

...yeah. how that reads is exactly how it felt when i heard it (not in those words, of course. he's too [i don't have the word for it] for that).


i'm wincing now that i think about it...heh. has it always been like that for him? i hurt him when i needed him? what have i been doing to him? was i helping him while i hurt or wasn't i helping him while i hurt? maybe i could've held out a little bit longer, another hour. the trouble might have passed, then. and it would have been well on his side.

...his gentleness... calms my anger. he is the water to my fire, but the water ran out and the fire got away.

anyway. that's what i did, yesterday. but i couldn't hold it in any longer in the office and i had cried, oh my god cried, in front of my alarmed boss. i assured him profusely through choked tears that it was alright, i'm fine, no it's not his fault and i'm okay, really.


still, it would've been heartbreaking to know that whatever i say incites and/or insinuates blame. do i indeed not know how to choose my words? did i really call to only piss him off, which is to say - i deserve all this? does he hear/see what i'm not saying, or why i'm like this? or is it guilt that makes it so very sharp against the ear? i know for a fact guilt played a large part for the last significant relationship.

is - was - everything i said an accusation, implied or otherwise? if it were then.. even when pouring out my woes to him, sobbing like my insides would tear, crying... probably sounded like a blame. hell, i don't know.

i only hope that "i miss you very, very much" didn't sound like an accusation too.


where could it have stemmed from, then? could it be that i do not know contentment or how to just be happy so he can be happy so i will be happy because he's happy that i'm happy? you know, like "the reason the sun shines", a story i made up (the sun shines not for any particular reason itself, but because it makes the happy flowers bloom. but the happy flowers didn't bloom when the sun didn't shine and the sun had no reason to shine when the flowers couldn't bloom - the earth was thus bare, till the sun decided to shine again).

could it be freudian?

...i wish i could do a -smile- here without having it sound so contrived.


maybe the only way to not sound accusatory is to ask questions and as a consequence, sound unsure.

haha then the situation will probably become "pei, you're so insecure..."

i know, because that's what i did when we first started out, and that was just what he said... "pei, you're so insecure..."

guts

what i did today took me a great deal of guts. and now i feel like i've been punched - hard - in the stomach.


"my name is jane jones."

only defense

my only defense against his "not good with words" then leaving it to silence and seemingly having forgotten about the conversation we've had just the night before - is to ignore it.

Leaving on a Jet Plane - John Denver

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

[Guitar Solo]

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

what?

what?

er. i like the doctor best. because he's smart, and he loves and loves hard - but most of all it's the way he fought for his happiness.


isn't that admirably single-minded?

closer

CLOSER is a play written by Patrick Marber that was made into a film of the same name in 2004 - i'd chanced upon it when we saw it on tv, at jas's. also one of a certain ms tan's favoured films.

the show offers simple, concise dialogue; the sets are decidedly "play-like"; handling of timeline is brilliant (also very play-like) - though some do not like it in films. the cast was well-chosen, with jude law playing ..what he plays best, nat portman, like julia roberts, offer stellar performances while not losing none of the original feel of it being a play. so did clive owens, for that matter: he made a very believable doctor-cum-"nemesis" caught in this kind of situation.

wikipedia said the movie is about betrayals, instant attractions, what-not - but i think it is about chance encounters, decisions to fall or not fall in love, not really understanding what - who - you have in your hands right now and having to climb mountains and swim seas to finally learn that what you had was the best thing you could ever be blessed with. all of these - portrayed in stingingly ironic plain-ness.

this film will leave a bitter-sweet taste in your mouth and have you reminisce past loves ... it will give you reason to smile (or cry, depending on which character you most identify with and at what stage in love and/or life you are at right now).


i strongly recommend it to people who are emotionally stable and at peace, cause otherwise, this will more than make you cry.


(film HERE)

i'll be watching yooo

4 a.m.

Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you wouldn't change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

popped thoughts

i should've noticed it. "single" was spelt "snigle" in my previous post - and i hadn't noticed.

it might've been a sign, but a day after proclaiming singlehood's fantastic and wonderful i'm back at home, struck suddenly by heartache and a clawing need to know if he's thought of me, if his thoughts drift back to me the way mine do him.


well well well. what do you know - eating my words just one day later, humbled by a keen understanding of the fact that i still love him.

snigle

and then there's the thing at jasmi's tomorrow... yay more eye-candy.

singlehood's fun!


i love you baby, but you didn't know what a great thing you have. too bad.

valentine's - decoded

well, i was supposed to meet a friend up on 13th feb but is turned out that he was down with the flu, so he postponed it to the 14th. which happened to be valentine's day.

and he's cooking.


he's not a very good cook, but the food was passable when i ate it and we had a very yummy bottle of white wine and i even managed to catch a glimpse of the train through the leaves at night. suffice to say, it was wonderful, albeit unintentional. anyhoos: the night was fine, the atmosphere friendly and nowhere near "i like you you like me" - it was very easy and i enjoyed it thoroughly. perfect valentine's evening, honestly. i loved his place: very rustic, very natural and most of all, very peaceful, quiet and very, very "village". (if i can say that in a french way i would. vill-ar-che. there.)

so that was a nice valentine's... and then there's friday, which is today. i met up with the friday gang and we had drinks at harry's - (met up with my primary schoolmate whom i hadn't seen for "a dozen years" and omigosh how she's blossomed!) - and it was great. we had drinks, then we gatecrashed some event and got invited to indochine by the owner micheal ma his good self.

i personally find him (micheal ma) very charming without being overtly so, and he cuts a naturally impressive figure. he definitely looks like someone i'll tip my hat at when i see him at social situations.

aaaanyhoos, we had a hoot and a holler there, it was great. and my prayers went answered: i wanted a nice time and that someone send me home.

all was fulfilled, through His gracious love. THANK YOU, LORD!


Your Name i eternally praise! THANK You, for the wonderful evening, for the great valentine's day, the lifting me up after my breakup and keeping me soaring on a high note, and the wonderful times to come. thank YOU, O Lord, for Your great love.


i love You, too. Lord Jesus' Name i praise. Amen.

valentine's.

i had a great valentine's. with wine, he cooked me something and ...i caught glimpses of a train amongst leaves in the night.

it was magical.

it was a fantastic valentine's, despite us being unintentionally having a meal together on a day lovers commemorate. it was nice.

time shift

- now the time is right!

friends

well, friends are we or... are we?

i wish he were a little more forthcoming. how do we be friends otherwise?

meep

i don't understand why i'd been this tired lately... might be that i need to turn in earlier. well, whatever it is, i'm glad that my investment wheels are being put in place to turn. so that's very good! >: D

i called him last night, just to see how he was and he sounded upbeat, which is a good thing. but he said it's been a rollercoaster ride and he got into big trouble.

refused to tell me what, though he said it was over "something silly".


did he get it because he was checking my blog? that is something silly. silly but endearing to a person hoping against quasi-inborn realism, at least.

.....then again, he might've gotten into trouble because of something else. i'm not "important" anymore, so to speak. why'd he get into trouble because of me? least of all checking my blog.

..i'm too naive.

passing on

oh yah. ah meng died.

let us all observe a minute's silence.

correction

in my previous post i had said something like he never was around to fight off suitors - i have to amend that.

he was around - he just didn't do anything about the suitors.


to his credit though - he did not have to do much pre-army: i felt naturally safe and secure in his love and affections.. nobody could've broken through to me even if they tried with a battering ram.

..why'm i reminiscing? it'll only cause additional distress. stop.

air-conditioned chill

today, i found some comfort in the office's air-conditioned chill. it gave me something to anchor myself with, to the present - instead of being washed away by unbridled memories and thoughts.

...this morning i did something very brave. i made him feel better. through cheeky sentiments expressed via sms in response to his initial note, i know i made him feel better. i hope that's good for him to cope... on my end, i'll have to be content that i'm probably the one doing the thinking for the both of us, and i'll have to find my own champions - imaginary or otherwise - to fight my wars.

he is no longer "available" to help me fob off suitors... then again, he never was.


i've been alone before, it was easy. it will not get hard now. thus begins the walk to recovery: "hutt hutt hutt hutt hutt!"

refusal

no, i refuse to think about what went wrong and no, i refuse to think about what was right. it's gone now.

i refuse to think about it.

holland v

i was out at holland v after heading to eunos for lunch right, and as i was getting out of the car i saw a young man piggy-backing his girlfriend through the carpark... and i realise, that it does not quite matter where you are to feel the heartache.

sure, being confined in the army can be a bummer, considering you do not have privacy most of the time, but you're being kept busy and you're probably too busy to do anything more than whatever it is at hand. being "outside" has its merits and demerits as well... like seeing the things i see. imagine valentine's day, hey. i'll probably have to blind myself and walk with a cane to and from work, keep the radio off and go nowhere near newpaper, which is going to be full of sappy declarations of love.

if i don't blind myself then i must walk quickly, and look nobody - nobody - in the eye. maybe do what jasmi does when i do see couples - "receding hairline!"

blessed

blessed, very blessed i am, to have friends.

thank you,O Lord, for your blessings upon me. thank you for providing me with everything, from core friends (jasmi, jenn, su), eye-candy to take my mind off things, a friend to stay with to keep the silence of my own home at bay, a friend to take me to eat with when i absolutely have no idea where to go for food.

thank you, O Lord Jesus. YOU are the mighty saviour. you're my mighty saviour... and Lord, if You would, Sir, please help save my love from drowning as well.

we may be mere friends now, but i love him, and i beg that You, through your gracious love for me, grant him relief, calmness of the heart and peace. let him know that everything will be alright. please, Lord, take his heartaches from him and grant him peace.

in Lord Jesus' beloved, beloved Name i pray. Amen.

hope

i'd picked up a book that his mother had passed to me on a whim - and flipped to the page that says

"To be successful you need to learn to overcome your fear of being rejected and to stop worrying about what other people will say about you."

that is the right way to go.


y'know, i think i'm a treasure. i think i'm made, perfect, for that person in mind. my backgrounds, my strengths and weaknesses, are all meant to complement that person and help that person grow. the very same way he is meant for me.

i will be happy. it might not be now, but i will be happy, once this hurt is over.

i will be happy again.


meanwhile though, i think that my picking that book up is no coincidence. i shall read it.

no idea

i have no idea how not calling someone takes this much effort.

i also have no idea how disappointing it is to receive an sms to realise it's from "someone else".


i try to catch some shut-eye: turned on the aircon, left the radio on and tried to sleep. the only things i ended up doing was look around my room without really seeing anything and checking my phone, knowing full well that he hasn't sent word.

i wonder what he's doing now, how he is.


is he well?

...ohkay now

okay, i now listen to sad songs, too.

nabeh.

conversation 2

Guy Friend B: oi
Me: yeah?
Guy Friend B: happy near year
Me: haha happy NEW year
Guy Friend B: ok.
Guy Friend B: spelling nazi
Me: i see!
Guy Friend B: how are you?
Me: i'm alright.
Me: a lil ragged 'round the edges,
Me: but still intact
Me: -smile-
Guy Friend B: from what?
Me: thank you for asking.
Me: i broke up
Me: heartbreak never gets easier

-snip-

Guy Friend B: i suggest going out and getting laid
Me: lol
Me: i'm not that kind of person [name removed]
Guy Friend B: you think i am joking
Me: i might be heart-broken but that does not mean i've gotten dumb
Me: men and women work very differently
Me: ..and he does not deserve his love to be defiled that way
Guy Friend B: ok... sit at home and listen to sad songs and write poetyry...
Me: lol
Me: sad songs?
Me: please.


i hadn't told him about the poetry part...

conversation

Guy Friend: whatcha up to so early?
Me: trying to get over the breakup
Guy Friend: *hug*
Me: thank you
Guy Friend: i'm here if you need someone to talk to.
Me: thank you...
Me: there's really nothing more to say (not to you, anyway)
Me: just "ouch".
Me: "ouch ouch."
Me: "..ouch"

alright, show's over

yeah, show's over.

this is the right move. doting or not - it's all linked. maybe his parent(s) said something about me that shook his love. i know my own mother did, but i am glad i gave it my all. i loved and i loved hard, i do not regret.

i was proud of him, regardless whether or not he was hot, or if he had muscles.


maybe fault's mine, maybe fault's his. whatever it is, i learnt that i am capable of loving and giving. i know i try. i know i try to find out if i'm doing a good job at loving... i'm just not quite sure if "support" means seeing him off to the bus stop, too.


then again, i won't know what i don't know.

show's over. i will not speak of it again.

the good stuff only

y'know, i try to only remember the good stuff. i don't want to get angry at you, or at me, or at situations you hadn't learnt to deal with - or situations i hadn't learnt to deal with.

i just want you to be happy, less tired. i also want to feel less wronged.

it's dragged on long enough, causing both of us distress. yet you remain the person i want to marry.


---
i want you to be happy... and if being angry at me makes it easier, then go ahead - use my picture as a dartboard. if loving me has been painful, i'm glad i finally found the courage to let you go.

please believe me when i tell you i do this unwillingly. i will remember how your kisses feel, i will remember your smile when you wake and see me in the morning, i will remember your delight when you get your lemonade.. i will remember how you reach out to hold my hand, how i felt when i danced with you.

maybe you're right when you ask how i can ever know how you feel - how do i know the things you do not say nor show?

then again, that's another story. i do not want to pair your name with sadness and unhappiness. you are love, personified. you are my love. my. love. you gave me, discounting the "recent" times, the best relationship i've had so far.


this isn't denial neither. this is my gift to you, so to speak. i honour you with good thoughts only, in thanks of your love.

hey, maybe the only person crying when we see each other next is me. who knows how the other feels, eh?


thank you, for your love.

good and bad

the good thing about living alone is that you enjoy your solitude, your peace.

the bad thing about it is that nobody will know your pains and nobody will witness your tears. i miss him.

i miss him very much, though i know he will never have met me up even if we were still together. but now he has a very good reason: we're no longer together.

there is no need.

suitors

y'know, the thing about suitors is all balls. if the person i love does not love me enough to want to show me to his folks then the whole world's worth of suitors won't make a difference: i am still love-less.

step by step now, step by step. i will find someone who is proud of me.

you're the one who makes me shy

...the lingering scent of you on my skin makes it this much harder.







i love you. i still do.

very much.

comic

"..of course, the assert doesn't work." - xkcd.com

promise

i promise myself to not hurt.

i'm going to keep that promise.

bees

so many bees, so little time!

reading

re-reading what i wrote in the previous entry... i'm a little worried he might read it, but to wipe it away would probably mean i'm not being very honest with myself.

golly, what'd i need to do??

the feeling that eats at my gut

it's the sick-sad feeling that you get when you break up.

i haven't broken up yet but it sure feels like i have. there seems no point in continuing this relationship though... he does not fight for me to ask me to stay when i tell him i want to go. so much for "i can't live without you" kind of romance.

i haven't the guts to follow it through, neither. maybe i should very simply wean it off... it should be easy, considering he does not call during the day and does not even respond to sms-es. to feel unloved in a relationship is quite unconceivable, don't you think? you can be unloved when you're not in a relationship; and you can feel the same when you're in one.

does that not mean a relationship may be redundant?


i think i need to go out and date again. heart is breaking breaking has been breaking since he went into the army. it will probably continue to be chipped away steadily as this goes on.

i think i need to go out and date again.

insulted.

it's annoyingly disgusting how i am a romantic by nature.

---
on another note altogether - no, i don't want to fight. i don't want to have to fight for time, for affection, whatnot. if it's mine, everything will go swimmingly well. and i place it in His hands. i follow your lead, Lord.

Amen.

de-toofed munchkin

"it's not tuuf and me," says he.

"oh? then what," go i.

"it's the community, like how you interact with the people in [name erased] club."

"oh. i don't think i'll ever understand then - cause mostly i don't give a f*. in fact, i think i'll go concentrate on digesting now."


"..."

---

this is the kind of conversation we have, even when "arguing".

it's supposed to be like this