blamed?

i am writing this because i do not understand something, not because i'm upset or happy or... hey, maybe the answer will come to me as i write.

i don't understand why he feels blamed. :/

he said i made it hard for him to love me. because of my sms-es and how i'm always complaining about him each time he calls.

these are how they sounded to me when i heard them: emotionless, pointed. i said my defense as i usually do, albeit more lembek than usual - maybe that's what he wanted: someone who expresses herself in a more half-hearted kinda way.

the reason why i say this is because he actually talked to me during our conversation, or, i don't know. maybe he felt forced... he is brusque when talking to me these days... it does make talking to him harder. i feel like i've to fight him instead of the issues i am calling to fight with him about, hand-in-hand, to solve. talking softly with him probably went out the window and what remained was probably the option of talking to him.

being brushed off at the end of the conversations with "i'm in public/with company right now, bye" is becoming more and more common, too... and today i hear that i make it hard for him to love me... i honestly would've been devastated.


do you know that it's hard for me too, dealing with the issues at large by myself and not daring to be sure of how to start (on the phone) with him? even when i know i just want to call and say more than hi? the best i can be is to sound confident, like i've my shit together.

and i don't call him if i can help it, given that there are quite a few considerations i have to go through before i even pick up the phone. if you think about it, it's almost like i were buying a new computer the way i weigh the pros and cons...

why is it so complicated? it is a simple call. it's either you call or you do not, right?


well, actually no. it's not that simple.

here are some of the questions i go through.


1) can i handle it? (no, next question. yes means i don't call)
2) what time is it? is it suitable? (yes, next question. no means i bite a hanky but i don't call... though the ironic thing is that i don't know if it's a suitable time at any given time.)
3) could he be in the middle of something, in front of his recruits where he shouldn't use his phone, outfield where i can't get him anyway..?
4) is he having lunch/dinner because he usually gets stalled and makan-time as a result gets encroached upon. it's usually precious and i don't want him to have indigestion... believe it or not, i deeply appreciated the two times when he skipped dinner to slip a call to me. "the sacrifices i make," he'd say. haha
5) ...does he just have "company"..?

so basically what i've got on my hands is "call if you want to get him into trouble/encroach on his already-limited free time", or "press this button, he dies if he's unlucky". yah, it's a bit like playing russian roulette.

as a result i don't call more often than i do, because it doesn't get pass them questions. true enough, i find out today that hey, i nearly got him into trouble calling him two days ago. it's a bit tragic really, that a call is suddenly more complicated than writing a letter.



i therefore didn't quite know whether to laugh or cry when he said to me, "why didn't you just call?" when i told him i didn't know what to do when i was missing him very much and shit happened during our conversation earlier today...

well, if i were to call without first going through the list, it usually means i'm at the part where the label reads "i can't help it anymore" (ie spilt out of my threshold). i'm almost always upset and/or in tears at that point in time; so i call because i know - i just know - that he can make it better... because he is gentle in manner and most of all he loved me despite me being the imperfect, weak person that i am... to have him feel like i'm dumping emo-thrash on him.

...yeah. how that reads is exactly how it felt when i heard it (not in those words, of course. he's too [i don't have the word for it] for that).


i'm wincing now that i think about it...heh. has it always been like that for him? i hurt him when i needed him? what have i been doing to him? was i helping him while i hurt or wasn't i helping him while i hurt? maybe i could've held out a little bit longer, another hour. the trouble might have passed, then. and it would have been well on his side.

...his gentleness... calms my anger. he is the water to my fire, but the water ran out and the fire got away.

anyway. that's what i did, yesterday. but i couldn't hold it in any longer in the office and i had cried, oh my god cried, in front of my alarmed boss. i assured him profusely through choked tears that it was alright, i'm fine, no it's not his fault and i'm okay, really.


still, it would've been heartbreaking to know that whatever i say incites and/or insinuates blame. do i indeed not know how to choose my words? did i really call to only piss him off, which is to say - i deserve all this? does he hear/see what i'm not saying, or why i'm like this? or is it guilt that makes it so very sharp against the ear? i know for a fact guilt played a large part for the last significant relationship.

is - was - everything i said an accusation, implied or otherwise? if it were then.. even when pouring out my woes to him, sobbing like my insides would tear, crying... probably sounded like a blame. hell, i don't know.

i only hope that "i miss you very, very much" didn't sound like an accusation too.


where could it have stemmed from, then? could it be that i do not know contentment or how to just be happy so he can be happy so i will be happy because he's happy that i'm happy? you know, like "the reason the sun shines", a story i made up (the sun shines not for any particular reason itself, but because it makes the happy flowers bloom. but the happy flowers didn't bloom when the sun didn't shine and the sun had no reason to shine when the flowers couldn't bloom - the earth was thus bare, till the sun decided to shine again).

could it be freudian?

...i wish i could do a -smile- here without having it sound so contrived.


maybe the only way to not sound accusatory is to ask questions and as a consequence, sound unsure.

haha then the situation will probably become "pei, you're so insecure..."

i know, because that's what i did when we first started out, and that was just what he said... "pei, you're so insecure..."