today, 4pm

i find my thoughts drifting back to him, for some reason. i wanted to sms him, tell him i miss him dearly, that i would want nothing more than to call him tonight, if no more than to hear him speak.

i wanted to tell him that i care for him in my sms, that i wish he were done with NS, that i know how getting through shit can be, but for the sake of knowing more about yourself, to learn more about yourself... to really become a man now, i think it is worth the two years. i wanted to tell him that yes, i see the boy-man in him now, no longer just a boy but more a man now, that the change is really happening, i can see it...

it was all i could do to hold it all in and force my mind down by the throat to concentrate on archiving.


i wanted to call him dear again.

that's a thought that made me sigh, for lack of a more indulgent expression at the given time.

"so what if i called him 'dear'," i argued internally. "he may ignore it like i ignored it, and choose to be polite, like i chose to be polite."

now, on an impulse, i sent him that question. i regretted it the very next moment, fearing a polite but cheerful answer.

well, to continue with my tale from the afternoon... and i didn't sms about those words i had in my mind. i daren't.


i tried to look for a reason as to why i should be feeling that way - could he be in trouble, was he missing me and therefore i by proxy am feeling shoddy? ..no, that's rubbish.

or is there a part of me that's not really "right", like say, i need to pee and i didn't realise it - and i'm therefore irritable/twitchy/whatnot? ...no i just had my loo break and lunch was just an hour ago...

and so i was like that for a while. i know how it can be to be in his position, i really do. i was like that and good heavens, it was all i could do to remember to breathe. it's never a good time to call. call me and you get shot. sms me and you'll get a quick response fired off in literal record time, assuming i have the time to respond, if i were to decide to trade that extra nanosecond's worth of breathing time to respond.


so yes, i do know how it feels and i want to be there for him. the same way he was there for me, i want to be there for him.

he'd endured my short-fused temper (due to serious stress) and he'd endured my boss's nastiness peripherally with me, when i needed him most. i also hurt him the most when he was there for me and i have never forgotten it. i have never forgotten those days when he very simply stayed with me. he was there, there and there again, for me.

i remember those, and i love him for it. and it is my turn, now. because i realise just how similar his situation was with mine, from that last email.

how that last email hurt!


and how it must have hurt him. if i were in position to make it all better, the way he needed it to be better. if i knew how, i would do it.

i would!