wonder

i wonder though, will i find one whom i will just... love?


junwei was like that for me, until the army, of course.

don't think the fault lies with him, really. it's the fact that i didn't know about his schedules enough to begin with, and as a result, think that he's not trying. the "email of doom" (as he had called one of my previous emails) actually shed a lot of light on the matter, how his schedules are.

he has explained it to me before, i'm sure, but muffled phone conversations and high speed talking makes it very much harder to absorb and retain relevant information. i wish he'd written about this to me earlier, instead of me having to run a pitchfork at him and forcing him to tell me something when he already has.

...of course i didn't really run a pitchfork at him. what do you think i am, a farmer??

having said that though, it felt like i was indeed running at him at that point (see squeezing water from stone remark in previous post). i'm glad it's all stopped now. come to think of it, when things were still "fine" and we're still able to talk and enjoy the talk... why haven't those things been written down and emailed? (oh, right. there was no need. hm.)

'cause one thing i realised about most singaporeans/some malaysians is that they talk quickly. you will understand how quickly they talk when you have to transcribe speeches. another one is that they can (and usually do) begin a sentence about one topic then have change trajectory midway and have it end up not having a concrete conclusion.

this is true even for some government high officials during trade talks - and the best bit is that they're reading from their papers. thankfully junwei stays on the path and his ideas connect... but his talking speed is oh my god bullet train.

hehe


sometimes it's just amusing to imagine him talking to an ah beng peng (ah beng soldier). hahahhahahahha

maybe that's why he uses hand signals and one-word commands. hey, i don't know. maybe they have reached an advanced stage wherein "get me the chicken rice" is being expressed with miming the chicken with a hand after saying in a very macho manner: "rice".

the "get me the" part of the sentence goes unsaid because it's already been established... LOL

...


nahhhhh. he's not like that. hahahahaha

but jokes aside, i think the way he expressed himself with me was fine, before he went to the army. he held me close often, held my hands and kissed me tenderly - that's all i needed to know that he loves me. no words were needed, then. it did get a little stilted when we did chat though. that was what got me concerned.. it is alright when things are fine but when bad things start to happen, the ability and/or willingness to talk things through with the other is crucial.

listening too, is important. listen to the things that are said and as importantly, listen for the things that aren't said. i heard too much from the "unsaid side"...


i still think that there must at least be some form of aural foothold before proper "listening to the unsaid" can happen. otherwise static builds up and funny ideas will generate. or if i were stronger, lock emotional needs kicking and screaming into the closet under the staircase and trust that he loves - loved - me, that will call and/or sms when he can.

knowing myself then, i would have required more.


well, now that that's said and come to pass, i still think it would've been better if he wrote his thoughts down. at least then i would have known and have something to hold on to when he cannot be around.

welp, it's another good day. a few more good days and i'll be back to my cocky, funny and laughing self.